Ask Alana: Gifts for new relationships and wine for children

This week: What to get your new girlfriend for Christmas and whether to bring wine to a dinner at your son's house. If you have a question for our etiquette maven, e-mail askalana@latimes.com

Dear Alana,
I recently met a woman online and we have been dating for about two months. I haven’t gotten her anything for Christmas yet but we’ll see each other next week. Should I get her something? If so, what?
Chris in Los Angeles

Chris,
This is why I always advise beginning relationships on February 15: you’re spared the difficulty of coming up with a romantic Valentine’s Day plan, and have a long time to decide whether you like the person enough to spend money on them during the holidays. That way, if his/her birthday is in January, you won’t have to buy him/her anything for at least ten months.

However, I realize that in Los Angeles, it is often difficult to find someone to date who you actually like, so you might not have the flexibility to be that picky. And I see your quandary: get her something lame like a chocolates and she’ll think “Wow, I don’t like his taste in gifts. Time to dump him,” Get her something over-the-top like a new car (I hear they’re practically giving them away these days) and she’ll think “Wow, he likes me too much. Time to dump him.”

Luckily for you, dating expert PJ Osgood thought about this quandary for at least five minutes and came up with some suggestions for what to get a significant (or insignificant) other at different stages at your relationship. If you’ve been dating 0-3 months, he suggests getting your lady spa products or a bottle of wine with a unique cork topper. If you’re buying for a man, get him a book or CD by his favorite author or an iPod docking station.  Kind of weak gifts, I think, but PJ says, “Too much at this stage can potentially damage a relationship.”

If she still doesn’t dump you, PJ has some gift suggestions for what to get her once you’ve been dating 6-9 months. For him: a home brewery kit or a personalized branding iron (since you’re probably dating a farmer). For her, PJ suggests choosing some photos of the two of you and putting them in wall frame sets, which she calls “a thoughtful and great custom gift idea.”

By now, maybe you’re getting the sense that PJ’s suggestions of gifts for women seem to revolve around the home, and the men’s gifts are fun activities that men can do alone, like branding cows and reading books. No fair, I think, and besides, what if your girlfriend is homeless? I personally think that women like . . .

Ask Alana: Holiday gifts for newlyweds and annoying co-workers

This week: Whether to give holiday gifts when you're already buying a wedding present, whether to reciprocate on office gifts, what to get your frenemy for Secret Santa. If you have a question for our etiquette maven, e-mail askalana@latimes.com

Dear Alana,
Our daughter is getting married this spring.  The wedding is costing us a small fortune. My husband says not to give her and her fiance Chanukah and birthday gifts this year in addition to paying for the wedding. I want to give them gifts from their bridal registry for these occasions.  What do you think we should do?
Janice Murphy, San Francisco

Dear Janice,

I must admit, I am always curious where the money goes when people decide to spend small fortunes on weddings. A 38-piece band with a famed Japanese flutist? Thousands of wineglasses so that you don't end up doing the dishes? Buckets of gourmet pigs-in-blankets so there’s not fighting over hors d'oeuvres? If I was getting married and hadn’t given my small fortune to a cunning investor/scam artist, I would probably have spent it on either my honeymoon or a lawyer to craft a prenup to ensure my new husband couldn’t touch a penny.

Anyway. Although it’s great of you to put on a nice wedding for your daughter, you probably don’t want to start the new year by giving them a box full o’ nothing under the Chanukah tree. Summer Krecke, deputy editor of WeddingChannel.com, says that “you should still do something to show that you care.” Apparently, spending your retirement fund on a wedding doesn’t speak for itself. Krecke recommends do-it-yourself gifts such as baked goods, cards or IOUs for help moving or other things that only cost back pain and not actual cash.

I don’t think that getting them something from their registry is a good idea. First off, save your money for . . .

Ask Alana: Making do with less moola during the holidays

This week: Telling your son that he can't have an expensive gift this year, and bowing out of the family gift exchange. If you have a question for our etiquette maven, e-mail askalana@latimes.com

Alana,
My 13-year-old son really wants a Wii this year. All his friends have one. We told him he could have one. But my wife got laid off and there’s just not enough money for a Wii. How do we tell him this without ruining his Christmas?
Andruw Kantor, Pittsburgh, Pa.

Dear Andruw,

If Dick van Dyke were to appear in a modern version of “Bye Bye Birdie” and dance around in a dapper suit singing that song “What’s the Matter with Kids Today?” the answer might just be technology. We live in a world in which children clamor for iPods in the womb and roll their eyes when you ask them what all those doohickeys on the keyboard are actually for. So you could just tell him that back in your day you didn’t have TVs or video games or electricity and give him an orange for a gift and tell him to be happy that he doesn’t have scurvy.

However, I recognize that scurvy epidemics or not, oranges for Christmas probably aren’t the way to a modern kid’s heart. The way is a Wii or an iPhone or something else ridiculously expensive and unfathomable to your old soul. You might be tempted, when you hear your son’s high-pitched pleas for a Wii, to blame Santa (although if your 13-year-old son still believes in Santa, maybe you should just get him something that looks like a Wii. He might not notice the difference). But blaming Santa for the orange under the tree is kind of like blaming Congress for the current economy, and we all know that won't get you anywhere.

Now, your son probably knows that your wife got laid off. Children are pretty perceptive, and even if you haven’t told him, he’s probably curious why she is staying home all day watching "Days of Our Lives" and eating bon-bons and writing mean things on the Internet about her old company. So you need to cowboy up and explain to him why there’s not enough money . . .

Ask Alana: P.C. holiday carols, when no means yes, how to deal with rude clerks

This week's installment: Dealing with a holiday without presents, singing Christmas carols at a Jewish school, handling rude store clerks. If you have a question for our etiquette maven, e-mail askalana@latimes.com.

Dear Alana,
My mom says we shouldn't do presents this year because it's cheaper. But I like presents.  I like to get them. I like to give them. It's my favorite part of Christmas. Now that I have a job that pays me more than minimum wage, I can afford to give presents. So would it be wrong to bring presents to Christmas?
Mike Singe, Los Angeles

Mike,

This is a tough one, even if the economy wasn’t in the crapper. The “don’t get me a present” line has been around for centuries. Historians have traced it back to the days of Adam and Eve, when Eve was all “I don’t need a Valentine’s Day present” and Adam was all “Does she really mean 'Get me a present or I will bite this apple,' or does she mean 'Don’t get me a present because all we have here is fruit and quite frankly, I don’t want any more fruit?'”

Whether the “no presents” line means “yes presents” in the holiday season really depends on your family situation. If Mom is saying no to presents because your brother Jebediah just got canned from the happy factory and he'll have to move back in with the 'rents if he spends his money on presents, I think she means No Presents. But if is she is saying No Presents because she doesn’t want you to feel obligated but really wants a miniature Millennium Falcon to add to her Ships of Star Wars collection, you should feel free to spend away. That’s something you need to suss out.

However, Lisa Cabanes, co-founder of Los Angeles party store Social Couture, says. . . 

Ask Alana: Screaming children on planes and vegetarian Thanksgivings

This week: screaming babies on planes and polite vegetarians among people who just love the taste of bird. If you have a question for our etiquette maven, write to askalana@latimes.com.

Alana,

What do you do if you're sitting on a long plane ride next to a squalling child? On the one hand, there's only so much a parent can do. On the other hand, a transcontinental or trans-oceanic flight lasts a looooong time.

-- Elaine Chao, San Francisco

Elaine,

It is a sad truth that screaming babies on airplanes are as much a part of life as death, taxes and that weird matter that collects on the top of your ice cream if you leave it in the freezer for too long. Even more tragic: It is usually the case that the closer you are sitting to a screaming baby, the more likely you are to have forgotten your earplugs, headphones, iPod or heavy drugs that would help you sleep through the din of a million babies singing show tunes.

Of course the best thing to do is to remember your anti-screaming-baby implements, such as earplugs and headphones. But some babies pierce even those top-notch headphones advertised in your in-flight magazine. Parents –- if you’re bringing a baby on an airplane, be sure to remember bottles and pacifiers for the baby to suck on, as the sucking will reduce the pressure on the baby’s ears. Some people recommend it, but many are opposed to giving your baby Benadryl to knock him out.

If the baby's screams are still driving you bonkers ...

Ask Alana: Holiday giving in offices and un-neighborly mail theft

This week: How office gifting is like grade school and other holiday matters. If you have a question for our etiquette maven, write to alana.semuels@latimes.com

Dear Alana,

I work in a fairly small office. Some of my co-workers I love; others I loathe.

Would it be impolite to hand out holiday cards to some and skip others?

Thanks!
Gerry Boss, Los Angeles

Gerry,

It wouldn't be impolite to hand out the cards to only some people, but it also wouldn't be The Right Thing To Do. Think of it this way: When you were in elementary school, you probably handed out birthday party invitations only to your friends and the cool kids you wanted to be your friends who could snarf milk through their noses. Impolite, yes, but hey, that's what kids do. But then your mom probably made you invite all the other kids, even the ones who hogged all the Legos, because it was The Right Thing To Do.

Same with holiday cards in a small office ...

Ask Alana: Answers to your holiday etiquette questions

This week: How to split the cost of group gifts, and what (not) to wear at a potentially awkward holiday dinner. And if you have a question for our etiquette maven, write to alana.semuels@latimes.com

Dear Alana,

I have a dilemma. My mom, dad and I went in on a gift for my sister. Is it good manners to split the bill by 3 or do I count my parents as one and split the bill in half?

-- Erica Willer, Ontario, Canada

Dear Erica,

Are you saying you are past the age where you and your parents go in "together” on a gift and then you conveniently forget to pay them back? Poor you. They had you, after all. If they didn’t want to leak money to their kids, they should have thought about that before getting pregnant.

Anyway, you’re clearly mature beyond your years, but even so, you shouldn’t have to pick up half the tab. Constance Hoffman, president of Redondo Beach-based Social & Business Graces, says that you and each of your parents are separate individuals, and thus should be able to split in three the costs for the blimp ride or snowshoes or large ham or whatever it was that you bought your sister.

Don’t feel bad bringing it up with your parents, Hoffman said; after all, your parents are individuals and you wouldn’t want to rob either of them of the ability to contribute to your sister’s gift. “Definitely talk about it,” she says. “Anything that you push under the rug continues to gather dust.” Except for a ham, of course. That gathers mold.

Of course, going in with your parents on a gift presents a separate quandary. Will you sister feel robbed of her right to tear the wrapping paper off multiple gifts Kwanzaa morning, as she is only getting one from all of you? Maybe the gift is something you could put in multiple boxes (like ham). Or maybe your sister doesn’t mind if she gets one box under the tree or seven, which means that she, like you, Erica, is also mature beyond her years.

-- Alana

Dear Alana,

I am spending Thanksgiving with people that haven't sat in the same room in six years and Christmas with my lesbian girlfriend, her lesbian aunt and her lesbian grandmother(s). What do I wear?

-- Sarah Smith, New York

For the answer, keep reading...