Remember me? Eminem’s cracked comeback

No need to paraphrase any dog-eared dogma about there being no second acts in life — reality television torpedoed that Fitzgeraldian fallacy faster than any contumelious Hemingway quip. Hell, if Flavor Flav could smoke unidentified foreign objects for the entirety of the '90s and reinvent himself as a reality/sitcom star complete with slatternly seraglio, than it’s little surprise that Eminem could once again ascend the charts with his official comeback single, “Crack a Bottle,” a song that currently sits at the top of Power 106’s playlist, and recently broke the first-week record for digital sales with 418,000 sold.

After all, it was just 5 million years ago that Slim Shady sold 5 million copies of the execrable "Encore," a record so bad its finer moments occurred when Eminem was impersonating a sock puppet and trying to Xerox-copy “Hailie’s Song.” Song titles included “Puke,” “Big Weenie” and “Mosh,” the latter track, an anti-Bush political diatribe so dated as to make “Austin Powers” quotes seem fresh. During the ensuing half-decade hiatus, Eminem occasionally re-emerged from hibernation: remarrying Kim, re-divorcing Kim, dealing with Proof's death and starting Shady45, his Sirius hip-hop channel.

His most recent effort at new material, the Aftermath compilation, 2006’s "Eminem Presents: The Re-Up," was an abject artistic failure, which featured the newest mutation of the Slim Shady persona: 50 Cent. The nimble wit of the onetime greatest rapper alive had been replaced by a surly growl and toothless crime boasts — an egocentricity that once seemed like insightful introspection had ballooned into narcissistic self-absorption. It was enough to make you wonder if we’d been dreaming that Eminem was as good as once advertised. He was. It’s just that the zenith of the Eminem epoch ('99-'01) feels antediluvian. Forget the pre-Obama era, this was pre-9/11, a time when the nation’s most pressing concerns were Y2K preparation and what to do with our record surpluses.

So maybe it’s not all Eminem’s fault. Every artist ages, but not everyone has to feel like a gilded age artifact — with Marshall Mathers’ onetime cynosure status partially predicated on the obvious observation that during boom times, the media tend to focus on banalities. Every writer needs a story, and there were few better than Dr. Dre’s protégé: a relentlessly attention-starved white rapper from 8 Mile (or close enough), prone to making malevolent remarks about homosexuals, his ex-wife, his mother, and Moby.* 

The post-Columbine conservative press took the bait, with everyone from Bill O’Reilly to Lynne Cheney inveighing against Eminem’s indecency, with the latter going so far as to recite his most scabrous lyrics before a Senate committee. Wisely, “Crack a Bottle” opens with Eminem lamely rehashing his Slim Shady persona, sneering about his record of “17 rapes,” “400 assaults” and “four murders"; lines that would’ve inevitably got the peanut gallery gasping a decade ago feel forced and contrived today. Forget the odious ethical implications, it’s just artless, dull shtick.

Over a Dr. Dre-laced sample of French-Israeli pop star Mike Brant’s “Mais Dans la Lumiere,”** Eminem hollers that he’s “the most diabolical villain in the world.” Clearly, he has no idea who Bernie Madoff is. The old Eminem was sly and incisive, “meta" before it became the prevailing cliché — his new material feels hopelessly dated, with references to Chevy Tahoes, Andre the Giant and another acarpous analogy comparing him and Dre to Batman and Robin. Seriously, man, it’s 2009, rich people are driving Lexus Hybrids. And nothing against late French wrestlers, but Andre the Giant retired in 1992. Though this perhaps solves the mystery as to what Eminem did over the last four years: watched "The Princess Bride" repeatedly.

“Crack a Bottle’s” hook finds Slim spitting a generic club couplet that sounds ripped from 50 Cent’s rhyme book: “Crack a Bottle/Let your body waddle/Don’t act like a snobby model/You just hit the lotto.” Then he rambles, “uh oh, uh oh, bitches hoppin’ in my Tahoe.” Congratulations Em, you’re able to get women "to hop in your Tahoe.” Considering you’re worth approximately $100 million and are beloved the world over, if this was a problem you’re either leprous, Chris Brown, or both. Moreover, there’s something obviously schematic about it. Eminem never was a club rapper; in fact, the closest thing in his songbook resembling a party track is “My Fault,” where a character attends a rave, meets a nurse’s aide and allows her to accidentally overdose on mushrooms. Party on.

With ringtones, individual downloads and party joints the last remaining commercially viable bastion of rap music, Eminem’s intentions are nakedly commercial. Yet the problem isn’t cupidity, it’s content, or lack thereof. While his flow remains ferocious, an emptiness palls over the proceedings — a complete absence of ideas. Turning 38 in October, Eminem is practically senescent in rap terms and diaphanously eager to stay relevant. Accordingly, “Crack a Bottle” finds him running from his strengths, mistaking being funny for being “fun.” Eminem was always the former, but never the latter. Now he’s just done.

Most damning is the flaw inherent in the song’s central conceit: “Crack a bottle/You’ve just hit the lotto?” By hanging out with Dre, Eminem and 50? Eminem’s pushing 40, Dre’s 44. Somehow, they’ve devolved from caustic young Turks into the sad old guys wearing I Am King cologne and cheesy sport coats, trying to crack open a bottle of Gray Goose vodka and woo girls their daughter’s age. After all, few things sound more inherently dull than hanging out with the Aftermath roster these days. Presumably, 50 would be constantly busy animating webisodes and double-checking that his songs are still played at the club; with Eminem constantly carping about stopping at the Burger King drive-through, and Dre leafing through back issues of Muscle and Fitness.

Eminem’s technical ability remains razor-sharp, but the salient sense of hunger that once propelled him has vanished, his focus diffuse and derivative. As in war, rappers rely on the element of surprise. Having exorcised every demon on wax and having provocatively posed for every print rag, Eminem’s antics seem tired and stale. “Crack a Bottle” might be one of the young year’s greatest successes, but behind the fiscal windfall, it leaves little doubt that Eminem’s foundation is cracked.

-- Jeff Weiss

*On one hand, Eminem deserves credit for being the only one in 1999 to call out Moby and Chris Kirkpatrick. On the other, he bragged about hanging out with Fred Durst and Carson Daly, which is the modern-day equivalent of boasting about kicking it with the star of a Canadian soap opera and Pete Wentz.

**Already sampled four years prior, on the infinitely better Aesop Rock and Del the Funkee Homosapien collaboration, "Preservation."

Photo by Anthony Harvey / EPA

Comments

[Linda Barrett]

Um, wow. Someone needs to lay off the weeds. Like, big time.

[throwbot]

contumelious? acarpous? antediluvian? slatternly seraglio?

I guess this was an interesting article, but I had look up vocabulary words every other paragraph. Way to ruin the flow of the article, dude.

[Scotty Kent]

Ummmm wow!

Somebody is upset about Eminem's success and can some how turn a #1 comeback chart hit into a horrible downfall. In a rap era of "Smack that Hoe" and "Lick my Lollipop" it is obvious that the public has just missed his voice, AMAZING flow, and yes his humor. These rappers now take themselves to seriously and apparently do not here what there saying....for god sakes he was able to rhymes the word Worchestor Sauce! I live in Charlotte, NC and the rap radio stations have never played any eminem song but they playing this song constantly. And he has had recent songs such as no apologies in 2006 on the horrible re up album that was 100 times better lyrically than 95% of the songs out now. I am also a college student that grew up listening to Eminem and this song is being blasted constantly out of apartments and dorm rooms. Now I will agree with you on the fact that yes the chorus is too wordy (but catchy), and the subject matter is nothing to write home about, although with the word play and ferocious flow that he uses, he could have been talking about taking a dump and it would have been a #1 hit.

Also listen to the song "I'm having a Relapse" by Eminem that came out in Nov. of 2008. The entire song is about a serial killer from the chicago in the 20s or 30s.

Yes 38 is up there but if Jay Z can be 43 then Em has atleast 5 more years.

I truly believe there is nothing he could have put out that would have met your approval.

[Mike R.]

Wow. I for one am going to reserve passing judgment on the guy until I hear more than a single. Otherwise I would miss the deeper more insightful material in his collection and think that all he does are tracks like 'Without Me', 'The Real Slim Shady', and the other catchy pop singles he is most known for. I think one of the greatest rappers ever deserves at least that.

[And I was like]

I agree with you that Eminem is barely a shadow of his former self, but you just sound bitter. Do you really think it's that bad? You want to write about an overrated rapper of the present? lil wayne... yeah I said it. Write an article on BS.

[PETE]

I've got you Weiss. Just because LA Times readers aren't familiar with your blog to the extent that they actually think you've never commented on the overratedness of Lil' Wayne, don't let that get you down. The new track is super weak. I believe that Eminem will become relevant again in about 10 years when he releases an album that is Zappa-esque in its absurdity. It will probably feature the gamelan, or something, and will somehow be an inspired work of genius.

[Andrew Hammer]

"Hell, if Flavor Flav could smoke unidentified foreign objects for the entirety of the '90s and reinvent himself as a reality/sitcom star complete with slatternly seraglio, than it’s little surprise that Eminem could once again..."

So you make sure to use "slatternly seraglio" but can't even properly use "than"? Quite wasting everyone's time.

[Niall]

Uhh, what a terrible article.

[Higgs]

Rap is crap! And it's finally fading away. I do like Kanye though he's the only rapper in the game today with real talent.

[joe]

damn dude...hatin on the guys talent. first, 'crack a bottle' has been announced to be on 50 cent's album, not Em's. thats why it sounds like a 'party song' man. 50's job is to keep the party goin. second, you should really listen to 'im having a relapse' because thats a really good song. its the classic Em with a twist. dont expect a slim shady LP v2 to come out dude. hes been workin on this album for quite awhile now. expect Em's album release date to be announced respectively soon. just check rapbasement.com

[Rob Garfield]

When is the LA Times going to do more layoffs? You don't get paid do you? Pathetic.

[Bog O'Neill]

Are you writing for Oxford Analytica or a music blog on the LA times website you damn fool?

What kind of a clown, writes an article laden with pathetic thesaurus words? You're an absolute fool. I'm only too happy to make a rare blog comment here, and add to the derision and scorn at your 'writing' style, that other readers have shown. You should be fired immediately.

[Ed]

There are 3 reasons why this blog is rubbish:

1) Too much bias. If you are going to be associated with LA times, you might want to be a bit more objective. Even if you personally dont like Eminem, doesnt mean you have to show it to the fullest extent.

2) You ramble too much and your paragraphs are a verbal maze.

3) The article is written in a style reminiscent of a 16 year old Eminem-hater who entrusts his dictionary and thesaurus to make him appear as intelligent. Not a good look.

The difference between a critic and a hater is that a critic actually makes sense through logic, reason, and proof. A hater on the other hand, cares only for his or her opinion and will look at things in a bad light to prove any point. It is clear that based on what you have written here, you are a hater. People pay attention to critics, but they ignore haters.

Perhaps this entire blog is merely your ventilated hate for Eminem disguised as something worth reading. There is no logical argument here. It is a collection of nitpicky things you want to view negatively on. The only reasoning i have found in your blog are your views, and frankly, your views do not mean much because you are merely a person like anyone else. If you cant understand how to reason then read case law. Lastly you have very little to no proof to substantiate your claims about Eminem. Like someone else pointed out, you based it on his one single. That is like rating a movie based on its promo trailer.

Eminem will release 2 albums in 2009. Now if you really want to promote some idea that Eminem is a failing artist then wait for those 2 albums to release and see what you can come up with.

For now, this blog you have written is what most people describe as 'epic fail'.

[Mikey]

Weiss, stop attempting to create a 'buzz' for yourself off Eminem. Your article is as see-through as Em's successful attempt at capturing national media attention. If you as a writer, actually put research into your work; to at least give the public an informed opinion; you'd find a new respect for yourself. ThEn you'll get the attention your craving from the 'big-boys' at the Times in an honest and genuine way- hard work my friend. Sadly, it died a long time ago and unfortunately were seeing the consequences with our economic downfall- but thats a whole nother' issue.
You could learn a few things from Em's geniosity, its called being subtle in your attack. Oxy-moron? Maybe. Eminem has perfected the art though-out his 10year main-stream career. His tactful timing with every move is impeccable.
His so called 'hibernation' was his seperation of the man from the musician: Marshall Mathers from the Music Icon. After all, he is human- something most artists forget. Unfortunately or Fortunately, he has Relapsed and the world is listening. He caught the audiences eye WITHOUT even dropping his first single from the album. His album will no doubt be a classic made by comically witty genuine anger. Eminem is going to be seated with Elvis, Madonna, Tupac in the Hall, after all their image is a mirror of his character. His music is influencial-whether in a good- or bad way, thats left to one's judgment. Music as a whole gave birth to him, he was supposed to happen- unlike most artists we've seen in the last decade.
Research will show he made it to the top with genuine self-respect for hard work. A skill, once perfected has the potential for Infinite power.

[JK]

I actually like this article. And everyone that seems to hate it, looks like big Eminem fans. What's wrong with the writer, Jeff Weiss, expressing his opinion? Who cares that it's the L.A. Times? What does that have to do with anything? Columnists can give their opinion on politics or society, but not music?

And no, the writer isn't a "hater" for expressing his opinion. Perhaps the title of the piece is the only thing I could take issue with. Like LL said, "don't call it a comeback", it's just a single so far. But this was more interesting than a lot of the other posts on Pop & Hiss that feel like nothing more than reworded press releases.

[Adam]

Weiss presents a reasonable argument, but I agree that his choice of vocabulary sounds forced, especially "slatternly seraglio," which comes across as trite alliteration.

The Elements of Style dude. Read, reread, and keep in your back pocket for reference.

[Jason Rimaram]

im sorry but in this article, you have completely put down undermined and de faced one of the great people of hip and it's culture, Eminem is an inspiration to me and many other people. He has taught me a lot about life and how to deal with things, at not once in my life have i ever picked up a gun or knife , even had a fight or even just smoked a cigarette so he does not have a negative affect on people that is just a few cases where stupid kids who are emotionally unstable have taken his lyrics the wrong way. I am insulted that you have put such a great artist down so much, and i feel that the majority of people will agree with me on this issue.

[Oaktown 357]

This article is spot on. All Em's groupies need to face up to fact that dude is dull and lame. Find a new jock to ride.