Nigerian E-mail scam? Nope. It's the Paulson bailout. Seriously.

Blogger's note: This e-mail is making the rounds today; I saw it first on this blog, posted as a comment. It speaks for itself.

Dear American:

I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.

I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.

I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transaction is 100% safe.

This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.

Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to wallstreetbailout@treasury.gov so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.

Yours Faithfully Minister of Treasury
Henry Paulson

Analysis: What a country, right?

--Peter Viles

Your thoughts? Comments? E-mail story tips to Peter Viles, or follow L. A. Land on Twitter

Photo: Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson

Credit: Bloomberg News

Comments

[MyLessThanPrimeBeef]

My hope is that communist China will buy Wall Street and preserves it as an UNESCO World Heritage site.

Children and those nostalgic about capitalism can go there to see what it was like before capitalism became extinct, another tragic victim of man's recklessness.

[NewtoLA]

First time this blog has made me laugh out loud.

[Bryan Morris]

All your dollars are belong to me!

[waitingitout]

oh, that's rich.

If I were king, I'd require the following stipulations on any bailout:

1. Good only on mortgage-backed assets acquired before Feb 1, 2008 (by which time everyone knew what toxic waste they had). And if I were in a bad mood, I'd backdate it to mid-August, 2007. No credit cards, no auto loans, no pig farms in New Zealand. We can only take on one form of idiocy at a time.

2. USG takes a proportionate equity stake in any financial institution offloading its junk. Any incentive to keep a fraction of it on your own books is a victory as far as I'm concerned.

3. Suspend shareholder dividends (if you can afford a dividend, you can afford a writedown). How long? Until your debt is paid.

4. CEO's and CFO's have to go through credit counseling, traffic school, "the miracle of life" slide show, insurance exam seminar, and any other compulsory, cumbersome and potentially embarrassing instruction course that comes to mind. This is just punitive, but I want it.

Last, there IS some underlying value to the crap these banks & funds are holding - whether it's 50, 20 or 5 cents on the dollar. We're not talking about mark to market, we're talking about what revenue will be generated from it (you know, the Treasury can afford a longer horizon for investments). As long as people are still paying off mortgages, it's some nonzero amount, right? I'm sure there are models to figure this out.

So stipulation #5 is, no one gets a dime until they can give me the real "expected" value of his/her pile of toxic junk. The least they could do is crunch some numbers for debt forgiveness.

[MyLessThanPrimeBeef]

NewtoLA, as Paulson had already warned us, if you don't laugh now, you might never get another chance at mirth.

[Nelcisco]

Man's wrecklessness is right PrimeBeef, stuttering Hank & Ben cannot be trusted, did anyone noticed this morning when Paulson was asked a questions he looked to Bernanke as if he was looking for approval, or was that just me???

This Whole day was just like the casino asking the gambler for a bailout.

But hey, CASH & BURN is my moto for Wall Street.

[Cynt]

LMAO!!!! ROTF!!!!! THIS IS TOOOOOO FUNNY! Thanks for sharing. LUV IT.

[somedude]

As part of the plan we could also seize the homes of former wall street executives and turn them into museums/parks. They don't even have to be charged with a crime (see civil asset forfeiture).

[It All Happens on the Margin]

We're hearing talk that "homeowners need a bailout too."

Didn't they already get a bailout circa July?

http://www.cnbc.com/id/26839037

[Mucker]

Wasn't that satire published by My Prime Beef or whatever he exactly posts as? I don't myself for a second believe it is or was a real e-mail. It was a spoof, a satire.

I know so is the Paulson plan. Playing with bazookas was not enough he wants to blow it all up with a nuke.

[356man]

At least you spell better than the Nigerians...

[NowThen]

Very funny article, however if I was a Nigerian email scam artist I would be dismayed to be compared with Paulson.
But seriously, these two, Paulson & Bernanke are the new financial terrorists -give us $800b or else! Talk about scaremongering. One admits he has no interest in Wall St -the other made his fortune with this financial weapons of mass destruction...

[mark]

Paulson is an idiot if you watch interview he is visibly shaking at either fear or pleasure of spending (wasting ) 700 billion

[me]

In Soviet Russia ________

The economy bails you out?

[samuel]

bernanke on TV is surrounded by bodyguards

I wonder why ?

he looks like he is about to lose it and his proposition is falling on deaf ears

even congress wants the market to correct itself

I say let it

one point

bernanke predicted the RE market was doing great in 2007

why are they listening to him ?

I hope he gets arrested along with the other crooks who now have the audacity to ask us for money ?

what a joke

[RB]

reading the comments on this article I decided mine wouldn't be out of line.

even since the meltdown started to occur and the Bushies began nationalizing industries, I thought that all the CEO's and all executives of those companies that collapsed should be required to continue to work for the nationalized companies for $1 a year until they die (or maybe 75 which is what the neocons want to raise the retirement age or age to receive social security benefits to).

let's say anyone that made over $150,000 a year at these companies is guaranteed a job with the newly created federal agency. however, this being a free country and all, if they opt not to accept their new contract then there is a position open in Corcoran or Folsom or any of a thousand other institutions they can be placed instead. I hear Guantanamo is nice.

if the newly reassigned managers do not out-perform, then again, they will be reassigned like those that choose not to work for our nationalized agencies.

the ultimate goal (aside from avoiding lengthy and expensive "trials to nowhere") is to make these financial institutions solvent and then when that is done all profits will go straight into social security (forever). maybe at some point that can be expanded to include Medicare, Medicaid and other government programs...universal health care etc...

[MyLessThanPrimeBeef]

Who was it that said, 'We are all Nigerians now!'

[Oh Boy]

haha!

[Rex]

I love humour, it does us good However, there is an election coming up. I'm Canadian so I can't vote. BUT, please get a grip, your system is obviously broken, when you elect morons like the batch you have, and the batch who are running. Please fix your system so it is actually a democracy..... I would feel so much better if I knew somebody who actually has an IQ, any IQ, and who is actually honest might run things down there. Then maybe we can all stop worrying about WW3 and so on??? Huh, Huh please!

[rob]

This is what it is-another scam that robs the taxpayers and will ruin our currency and lifestyle. Like a conman who's got his mark so involved in the scam he needs the scammer to get him out??? so we should throw good money after bad?.
No way! Let these toxic companies die and then we can move on and rebuild. If we support them they'll just take us down with them.
No more WS bailouts! Let the best companies and investors survive.
Write your Senators and let them know. If enough of us do they won't give our money away to these sczammers. We stopped them on the immigration reform we can do it on this. Last chance to save our way of life!

[fadp08]

Lest we not forget and give credit where it is due;
"Big Al" (Greenspan) got this whole mess started with his
massive interest rate cuts leading to "easy credit" after
9/11,and then his predecessor
"Helicopter Ben" has continued
the unfortunate folly. Why
should we the taxpayers bear
the responsibility of their
greed and stupidity?

[George Green]

If patriots have any sense left they should reject all of this nonsense. This was a complicity of crooks ranging from governments, democrats and republicans, relaxing banking laws and doing away with the Glass-Segal act and accepting large lobbying fees in return and by banks and investment houses running loose and unregulated to build up this 60 trillion plus in leveraged and unregulated debts in derivatives and SIVs that have now collapsed because the bankers bet the wrong way. And along their greedy way they made billions in commissions and salaries. What ever happened about saving for a rainy day. I guess that’s what us poor citizens have to do and not bankers. If I invest in shares of my own choice and they go down and I lose money there is nobody to bail me out from my bad investment decisions, why should there be any here for governments, on both sides, banks, investment houses and crooked insurance companies that created this whole mess in the first place. And now they want the same people "trust me" who made this mess to fix it and to boot they want clauses in this new deal to exclude them from any future prosecution by taking and disposing of this money and to who knows who? I say jail them all now and ask questions later otherwise writing comments like this is going to get us jailed in two months time.

[St Udio]

to; waitingitout

add #6... when the bailout - Rescue Plan (rescrew scam)
is approved....

only the assets which were on the 'books' prior to 1 April 2008 are to be allowed as distressed assets clogging the credit markets.
all the off-book assets & derivatives will not be included in the bailout purchases.

[Sujo]

Got GOLD

[Marsian]

Our new name shall be the United Socialist of America...