On sale today: The Chinese mother's battle cry

Parents intrigued by the essay "Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior" that appeared in Saturday's Wall Street Journal can now go straight to the source.

Writer Amy Chua's "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother," which the Journal excerpted, officially goes on sale in bookstores today. It's a memoir of what the publisher describes as "extreme parenting," the kind that results in high-achieving kids.

What's extreme? Well, many of the simple pleasures of childhood are not allowed by a Chinese mother: sleepovers, playdates, school drama productions, TV, computer games, A-minuses or below. Chua writes:

I'm using the term "Chinese mother" loosely. I know some Korean, Indian, Jamaican, Irish and Ghanaian parents who qualify too. Conversely, I know some mothers of Chinese heritage, almost always born in the West, who are not Chinese mothers, by choice or otherwise. I'm also using the term "Western parents" loosely. Western parents come in all varieties.

All the same, even when Western parents think they're being strict, they usually don't come close to being Chinese mothers. For example, my Western friends who consider themselves strict make their children practice their instruments 30 minutes every day. An hour at most. For a Chinese mother, the first hour is the easy part. It's hours two and three that get tough.

This is the third -- and perhaps most controversial -- book for Chua, a professor at Yale Law School. "I can't wait to see the mommy backlash on this one," Susan Salter-Reynolds wrote in our pages Sunday.

Chua and her Jewish American husband have two daughters, who are being raised according to all the Chinese mother principles in Chua's book.

-- Carolyn Kellogg

Comments

[Orangey]

The dean of my pharmacy school quietly answered my question, "why are there so few Asians in our program compared to other schools?" His answer: They make the professors nuts. If they get 9 points out of 10 they'll hound the TA or prof, in tears, with reams of evidence why they deserved that extra point and the profs don't want them." So that's why instead of the usual 75% Asian pharmacy school class we only had two students. They did drive the profs nuts, too. Fast forward: Why I rarely hire Asian pharmacists (yes, sue me now): Only those fluent and comfortable speaking English can be excellent pharmacists. It's about communication, not about your perfect organic chemistry grades and your residencies. Timid, terrified, soft spoken (as in you have to be within inches to hear them) pharmacists scare me. All those years of intense pressure to excel in the sciences can make them suicidal. The 2nd highest ranked pharmacy school in the country ranked 1st in suicides -all Asian. No, pharmacist, you cannot avoid human interaction and stay in a mail-order house your entire career. And hey, pharmacy school admission committees -do these students and our profession a favor by explaining that communication skills will help save more lives than perfect grades.

[steve]

Unfortunately today if you go to a better school or study you are "privileged" and "elite". Perhaps the word we should be using is "successful". It's long past time when America was abundant in resources and Americans could afford to be content with themselves. Since the economic downturn, people have slowly come to realize that a career is still dependent upon skill level. Long past is the time when people could just show up for work and get paid. Ironically, our society is now rewarding our children for just participating in school and curving grades to satisfy ever more angry parents. People should be less concerned about a foreign military invasion and more about the fact that more and more foreigners or "new" Americans are now in key positions throughout our society.

[Chineseparent]

I think you have to consider what "success" means. Chua was raised by immigrant parents, who by dint of being on the bottom of the social ladder were more justified in thinking that "success" meant money and status. A Law School prof. should know better--but apparently doesn't. I feel so sorry for Chinese kids who are robbed of their childhoods. It borders on abuse. There should be a middle ground between the too strict and too lax, in which kids learn how to apply themselves while also having creative and fun outlets.

[McMarcia]

The article fails to explore the asian based idea of "face", shame, and how success of the child defines the parent . Success, rather than happiness. Happiness is hard to measure, but success in academics is fairly simple to measure. But what happens after the kid gets out of college / grad school?

This style of parenting fails to develop the ever more important soft skills that American employers desire - ability to work in teams, communicate, make verbal presentations, negotiate, deal with office politics, creative thinking, critical thinking, and often times - connecting on an emotional level. All of these skills are developed through the activities the author forbids - sleepovers, playdates, and non-parental-chosen after school activities.

Also, orchestras are composed of more than a piano and violin, what if her kid wanted to play the trombone?

I think the jury is still out on whether this method has worked for her girls, because they are not yet fully formed adults. There is a reason university admissions officers have a new nickname for some students: "teacups" who crack under the immense pressure. Asian students have the highest suicide rates in the country - the author does not address that in her excerpt, perhaps she does in her book.

[Tascha]

How does a parent's threatening, depriving and insulting a child produce deep and meaningful love and respect? Somebody explain that, please.

[Vince]

Let's kids be kids! Practicing 2, 3 hours a day takes the fun out of playing.
It's pointless. Your kid won't be the next Horowitz, Perlman, or Yo Yo Ma.

[The Facts]

Now you know why Asian countries have the highest suicide rates.

[good chinese mother]

I am a Chinese mother who let her daughter do everything that Chua forbid. My daughter was accepted by Harvard, Princeton and Yale.

www.thegoodchinesemother.wordpress.com

[Mary Waterton]

This is how we used to rear children in the conservative 1950's. America has produced a generation of fat, stupid, lazy, disrespectful, dishonest, sexually perverted, self-indulgent year-old-children ... and it is entirely the fault of their liberal parents!

[Angela]

I was a child on the receiving end of a Chinese mother. I describe my childhood as empty because I don't (or choose not to) remember much of it. I was rebellious enough to move out of the house at the age of 18 and have been in charge of my own life, my own path since then. My mother's voice, however, is still in my head governing my life. My mother's "training" made me tough but I go through life not knowing what makes me truly happy as a person. My life has been doing the ultimate best I can and not make one single mistake. When life is tough, I shove emotions aside and keep charging forward. I finally had to seek therapy because I just want to be truly happy without having to measure happiness against how successful I am on paper.

I think what my mother did was cruel but that's the only kind of parenting she knew. She regrets some of her actions but some she doesn't even remember. She forgot that she tied my left hand in the back so I will become a right-hander as I was born naturally left handed. My relationship with my mother today is polite and mostly obligation than true love.

I am single in my 30s and doubt if I ever want to have kids one day. They say the cycle is hard to break and I don't want to become a mother like my own. It's not fair to a child to have no childhood. The only "job" a child has in this world is to experience, and to be happy. A good mother is one that helps her children understand how the cruel world functions but yet help them build the confidence to handle life challenges with their heads high and I wish I had that growing up.

[Seattle]

I grew up in China, and I’ve had a very successful professional life in the US for 20 years now. I have plenty of play time with my neighborhood friends when I was a kid. My parents, both school teachers, understood the importance of education. I still remember my dad telling me an old Chinese saying “there’s gold in books, and there’s beauty (beautiful women) in books waiting for you”. But my parents understood the power of persuasion and the power of personal interests. My mother in particular believes that the best help a parent can give to a child is personal example and proper guidance. I do not recall ever being yelled at or being physically disciplined.

I believe that Amy Chua’s parenting style is not typical or representative of the Chinese culture. Her severely restricted parenting style will be damaging to her children’s innovation and creative potentials in the long run. They may become very good technicians and very good learners, but they have not been allowed to develop their own interest. I feel very bad for her children. As a Chinese parent myself, I do not advise anyone to follow her, even if you admire her own accomplishment as a law professor.

[Dick Bacon]

My Chinese wife and I are raising our kids with love. We actually spend time with them and do activities as a family. We take the time to talk to them and provide them discipline with love. They are smart and interested in learning, well-mannered and well-spoken.

There's enough pressure in adulthood. Save it for later.

[Skeptic]

That book is better in the landfill.

Amy Chua is a bonsaist. She cuts it here, and nips it there. Her trees will never grow to their full potential.