Reading Heidi and Spencer's book so you don't have to

If there's a guaranteed white elephant gift this holiday season, it's the 132-page book "How to be Famous" by Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. These two -- who leveraged their roles on MTV's semi-real reality show "The Hills" into tabloid dominance -- sure know about being famous for no good reason, but who really needs a book to explain the phenomenon? I didn't want to read it, but I did so you won't have to. You're welcome.

The cover: The cover is screamingly garish. It shouts, "Step back! You do not want to pick up this book!" I imagine the designer saying something like, "Remember that '80s neon thing? We're going to do that, but modern." "Modern" falling somewhere between retina-burning and vomit.

The acknowledgments: They thank Jesus first. Is Jesus on their side? Talk about a crisis of faith.

The advice: Find a bunch of famous-ish people, hang out with them, establish self as an antagonist. Oh, it helps if these famous-ish people are on a TV show, meaning you will also be on a TV show. It is a short, paparazzi-enabled step from the TV show to the pages of Playboy. Won't mom be proud?

The Spencer factor: "Given how the general public feels about me, the chances are that if you're reading this right now, you can't stand me. I get it. If I weren't me, I'd HATE me. But here you are."

But that's pretend: A chart of villains puts Spencer between J.R. Ewing and Freddy Krueger. None of the villains, except for Spencer, are real. Depending on whether you believe Spencer is real, that is.

Heidi's tips: Sexy chicks get all the attention, not good girls. Cry to get what you want. "Don't kid yourself, nobody's born perfect," so do purchase new boobs, a new nose, lip injections, capped teeth (Botox and face-lifts are for old people). Also, work out for a "smoking bod." Never leave the house without full-bore hair and makeup. Set feminism back a century.

Don't look! There are 16 full-bleed, glossy pages of Speidi. Faux candid snow frolicking, bathing suit romping. Turn away.

Paparazzi primer: Yes, Spencer and Heidi are cozy with the paparazzi. But even I know that celebrities have publicists who do the work of telling the paparazzi where to find them, and publicists don't get a mention here. A little cheaty. Plus, calling them "paps" is kind of gross.

Branding, Speidi-style: Do anything. Show up to the opening of a bag of chips. Vote for McCain. Get married -- twice. Write a book.

-- Carolyn Kellogg

Photo: Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt at a New York book signing. Credit: Will Ragozzino / Getty Images

Comments

[BigCadillac]

At least they have each other.

[Jenna]

*hurl*

[Ronaldo]

I just waisted 3 minutes of my life to read the article about those 2 morons.

[DG]

Part of me wants to buy it for aspiring actor/actress friends as a gag gift, and part of me recoils at supporting these two financially in any way.

[luke]

how the hell did these 2 ever become famous

[Dead Parrot]

But just imagine how boring Conan and The Soup would be without these two morons

[Em2]

Well, if only as social commentary, "Blues and Chaos" seem to be sitting quite comfortably on the hunched back and sprouting hand therefrom.

Uh, why do we need to see anything about these zombies, er people, anywhere? Shoot, where's Charlton Heston in "Omega Man" when you really need him?!

[mrs speid supporter]

Im a fan of speidi, i think there great, entertaining, ive brought the book. its tounge in cheek...and i think all thoes, that make stupid comments, if u hate them so much, why read about them? why spend your time writing about them...let them do there thing! no harm what so ever. I enjoy there stupidity, if they can do it, get away with it, and make money out of it, good luck to them. the rest of you negative people...stop reading and writing stupid stuff, actually, no do keep writing stupid stuff....you are the ones that keep them in the spot light!!

[Defender of the English Language]

Dear Mrs. Speidi Supporter and those of your ilk,

Please learn to spell and punctuate before posting. If you're older than 12, you should be embarassed by how you're presenting yourself.

[Impoverished Americans]

Is there some reason why these two slobs Spencer the biggest D'bag in Hollywood and No Talent bimbo Heidi haven't been completely black listed yet? are the media and entertainment industries run by such whores these days there is no such thing as integrity anymore? let's get rid of and be done with these two annoying dimwits already, they are not interesting, talented, liked wanted or needed, what's the point?

[The Quinn Family]

If anyone was ever famous for doing nothing it is these two. Carolyn, doubtful you had to buy your copy, mrs speid supporter bought a copy, and these two fools probably each stole one for each other. That keeps them in a negative number for books sold. I wonder if the powers that be are starting to catch on? No one cares!!