Inspired awfulness: Santa's Roman holiday horror

First, "Jersey Shore." Now this.

We spotted the Roman Santa Christmas ornament, right, on the Gump's website for $35. It's just one of several new mouth-blown and hand-painted-in-Poland designs in which the North Pole native is depicted as a globe-trotting time traveler.

The series includes Santa in black leather astride a chopper, disembarking a San Francisco trolley car, drinking cafe au lait by the Eiffel Tower and having a highland fling playing the bagpipes in a tartan kilt and tam.

In the often nutty world of Christopher Radko and Thomas Kinkade holiday baubles, however, Kris Kringle re-imagined as Ben-Hur takes the fruitcake. 

Not to mention -- though I must -- the fact that in this 7-inch tall ornament he towers over his chariot, which is taller than the two-story Colosseum that just about reaches the hem of the seasonally inappropriate Claus tunic.

Southern Californians, take heart: The closest thing you'll find to a locally inspired  Santa Christmas ornament is Santa manning a barbecue. 

Poor jolly old St. Nick.

-- David A. Keeps

Photo: Gump's

Not exactly a partridge in a pear tree

Looking for a decoration to take you from Halloween to Christmas?  Peter Eudenbach may have a little something-something for you.

The conceptual artist in Norfolk, Va., took cast-metal bluejays' feet manufactured for taxidermists and wood carvers and attached them to a mouth-blown glass ornament. He photographed the weird but wonderful results, barely 3 inches tall, for his 2009 holiday card. It caught the eye of Artware Editions, a New York firm that sells artist-designed household goods.

Now Eudenbach is producing a limited run of the hand-assembled "Chimera." The title of the piece, Eudenbach said, "is a term used in genetics and mythology relating to any kind of fusion between two creatures." In this case, the ornament sprouting feet represents the fusion of "the animate and inanimate, the natural and the commercial, the end of winter and the beginning of the spring." 

Though he views "Chimera" as "poetic and quirky," Eudenbach said some have called it "Tim Burton creepy."  (Perhaps those people visited Eudenbach's website and saw his 2007 seasonal video of a nutcracker with an unusual appetite.)

The photographer, videographer and sculptor recalled childhood trips to the attic to play with ornaments. "There was something magical about them," he said. "And I decided that they were tired of rolling around and wanted feet."

Eudenbach glues a nut onto the bulbs and threads the birds' feet, so they screw in securely. For the beak, he also replaces the "clunky, blingish gold" bulb caps with silver caps found on vintage ornaments in thrift stores. 

"Any piece that has a joke has to be taken seriously," Eudenbach said of his method. "The object has to look resolved and well made." 

At $150, "Chimera" falls into the category of heirloom, not a gift you'd bring to a tree-trimming party. Even at that price, more than two dozen of the 100 artist-signed pieces have already been sold through Artware Editions.

-- David A. Keeps

Photo credit: Peter Eudenbach

Inspired awfulness: $89 faux hay

Over the last decade, as Halloween has joined Thanksgiving and Christmas in a holiday marketing trifecta, home decor companies have devised ever more-spooky products designed to scare the money out of your cold, bony hands. Some of them, however, are frightfully silly -- especially because they can be easily replicated at a far lower cost. 

Take, for instance, Grandin Road's Faux Hay Bales, above. They are made from PVC on a collapsible wire frame for easy storage (although they may not be sturdy enough for all adults to sit on). A 3-foot-long version is 18 inches deep and 14 inches high and costs $69. The 40-inch-long version is 14 inches deep and 16 inches high. That will set you back $89.

By contrast, a 4-by-2-by-2-foot bale of real yellow straw is a mere $7.95 at Stephen's Hay & Grain in Glendale. Although you will have to pick it up or pay a hefty delivery charge, it does make excellent mulch later. (Plus it's not that tasty to critters that may really give you a fright.)

Almost as absurd as faux hay: For $16, Pottery Barn will send you its Chalkboard Rock Vase Fillers, below left, a set of four puny poly-resin rocks and a piece of chalk to write scary messages.

For $6, I bought a can of Rust-oleum Chalk Board paint and sprayed rocks of the same size from my yard. I still have three-quarters of the can left. I used a white charcoal pencil from an art supply store to write on them, but a piece of chalk works just as well. 

I'm just saying.  

-- David A. Keeps

Photo credits: Grandin Road, Pottery Barn, David A. Keeps

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Inspired awfulness: the dog high-chair

Inspired awfulness: the dog highchair

This just in: The Pet Gear Clip-On Pet High Chair.

Says the news release from CSN Stores: "This hilarious high-chair is a must-have for any dog who wishes to dine in style with the family and forgo the usual scraps from the floor."

Price: $36.95.

Is it just me or does even the dog seem to be saying, "Are you kidding me?"

Reader captions welcome. Submit them via comments.

-- Craig Nakano

Photo credit: CSN Stores

UPDATED! Check out the Hammacher Schlemmer variation, if only for the photo.

Why do cute forest critters run away from humans?

Because they saw these new holiday candles and were as creeped-out as we were. Those birds to the right must feel like self-roasting holiday dinners.

We'll protect the identity of the retailer and simply say the name rhymes with Lottery Yarn. The same store has some equally cute pine-cone critters that you don't light on fire -- warmer and fuzzier than watching little Rocky Raccoon's ear drip down his back.

We're accepting nominations for the weirdest, most disturbing holiday decor at home@latimes.com. Include a photo and your own caption. Best entries will get posted on this blog.