Parenting: How to talk to kids about Arnold Schwarzenegger's infidelity

The revelation that Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with a household staff member can go from shocking to nerve-wracking when your child is sitting beside you. For a certain type of parent, questions abound: Should I turn off the radio or television and try to limit my child's exposure to the sex scandal? Or is it OK to let my kid listen and absorb? Do I use it as the basis to start a conversation? And if I do start a conversation, what should that conversation be about?

Rabbi Laura Novak Winer, director of curriculum and planning for the Youth Programs Department of the Union for Reform Judaism, said if a child is old enough to ask questions about the ex-governor's infidelity, he or she is old enough to hear an honest answer. The answer, however, should reflect a child's age and also relate to the type of question he or she asked. If a 7-year-old asks, "Why is this in the news?" a parent might simply reply, "Arnold made a mistake and hurt his family."

Parents can assume that children in sixth grade and above will understand what is going on and will have questions. Winer identified three types of conversations that this moment in the news cycle might inspire:

1. Talk about monogamy and sex: If you believe that monogamy is the key (or at least one key) to a happy relationship, now is the time to talk about what monogamy means, and the importance of honoring the commitments we make to our boyfriend, girlfriend or spouse.

2. Talk about the importance of forgiveness: Remember, this may not be the first time your kid has heard this type of story. Perhaps a friend or family member has been through a similar experience. This is an opportunity to talk about the types of mistakes people make, the consequences those mistakes can have, and how we can forgive people for their mistakes.

3. Talk about the ugliness of gossip: It's time to discuss how real people are involved in this situation and how hurtful gossip about them can be.

What if, like a colleague of mine, you have a daughter and are wondering how to reassure her that some men are indeed trustworthy? Julie Cederbaum, an assistant professor at USC and an expert in family relationships, suggested reminding your child that this is a case of one person doing something hurtful, and that some people make choices we don't agree with, but that doesn't mean all people are bad.

-- Deborah Netburn

RELATED:

High anxiety: Why some parents can't let go of baby

Parenting: When is it OK to let kids quit sports?

Photo: Arnold Schwarzenegger with wife Maria Shriver in 2003. Credit: Carlo Allegri / Getty Images

Comments

[ADMCD]

Why would children care about this? I doubt anyone under the age of 15 knows much about Schwarzenegger.

[Chtaylor]

Ok, if your seven-year-old says, "Why is this in the news?" the answer is, "How clever you are, darling, to have hit upon the very question puzzling us all." This is news? Really?

[fyiguy]

FYI, the story does not say go directly home and talk to your kids about Schwarzenegger. It just includes suggestions on what to talk about if they bring it up. Good story.

[C. Allen]

I see - the writer's colleague wonders how we will reassure our daughters that "some men are trustworthy."

Wasn't the staffer married when she had the child? (earlier, she claimed that the child was fathered by her then-husband). How will we reassure our sons that "some women are trustworthy?"

[Danyele]

Why do you have to talk about it at all; especially with your children? This is why we have such a celebrity-obsessed culture now. There is no reason for my child (or me for that matter) to be concerned with this.

[anon]

Cheating is meaningless and unimportant. It means nothing. If you're cheating, you weren't meant to be with whoever it is you're with anyway, and so it's good that the relationship gets broken apart. It involves no one else and no one else should care. It's not like stealing or murdering. It's an act following normal biology that should only be offensive to the other person, not to every single yenta in the world. The only lesson here is to wear a rubber, although Arnold might have.

[LB]

This being the first publicized case of infidelity, I can only imagine all of the questions that must be running through childrens' minds! I am so relieved that things such as child abuse by members of the clergy, teachers, parents, and things like murder, war and terror are not reported on. Just imagine the more important issues children may question if they were! Oh, great. I have to go now: my kid is asking why everyone one the news is upset about The Terminator...

[fyiguy]

FYI, the story does not say go directly home and talk to your kids about Schwarzenegger. It just includes suggestions on what to talk about if they bring it up. Good story.

[Sharon McEachern]

Schwarzenegger lied about his infidenlity and secret child for a decade. How likely is your child to be a good liar like Arnold? Recent research found that one way to tell if your kid is going to be successful in life is how soon they begin to lie. Skills you need to tell a believeable lie -- quick thinking and knowing how to use information to your own advantage -- show a highly functioning brain. It means these kids have developed "executive function."

When does the average kid lie? At age two, 20 percent of kids wil lie. This rises to 50 percent by three and almost 90 percent at four. The most deceitful age in study was 12, when almost every child tells lies. Sadly, strict or religious parenting make do difference. Ethic Soup has a good post on this research at the Institute of Child Study:

http://www.ethicsoup.com/2010/06/hey-kids-lie-early-lie-often-researchers-say-its-how-to-succeed.html

[dfafa]

What hypocrisy. 41% of U.S. couples admitted to infidelity. Maybe these people should talk to their kids about themselves before minding other people's business.

[Tom]

You read Exodus 20:14 from the bible to them

[who cares]

Who cares?

[Bob L.]

With all the hyper-sexed images kids see on the TV and Internet this hardly seems to be an issue.

[Enceef]

What a stupid question! Infidelity and all that is bad in society are shown on TV and in movies. Give credit to "kid." They know more about what it is all about than this idiotic article suggests. Generally, the US is perceived as a society of violence, sex, and infidelity. These are American values and are as American as apple pie. Americans should be proud of such "values."

[unimpressed]

Lying: How to shelter kids from how people can be.

[dna1211]

Are you kidding? Children would be upset? Surely parents are competent enough to handle this issue on their own - without a major newspaper providing guidance. Mind you, this is from a Canadian.....

[john]

Are you kidding? The LA times has now taken it upon themselves to give parenting advice regarding the sex life of celebrities? Not only should any form of "legitimate" media stop flooding our senses with useless data about celebrities, but it should also not attempt to impose itself into child-rearing. And let's not forget the almost-divine irony of "conversation type number 3" being about the ugliness of gossip in a piece that, at BEST, could be considered a gossip column.

[Maria]

?? Talk about forgiveness? How about talking about the abuse of power and privilege, and inappropriate sense of entitlement. He's done it many times, he'll do it again.

[Jude]

Dishonesty in a relationship hurts. Relationships should be honest.

While the parents are at it, please explain that two people of the same gender can fall in love and want to be married, yet the conservatives who are most likely to preach family values refuse to acknowledge gays and lesbians as real, loving people who want what the rest of us have. The right to marry the person that we love.

[Why_waste_ink_on_this?]

Why tell a child "this is a case of one person doing something hurtful"? It involves TWO consenting adults. It is a beautiful thing for a man and a woman to be so loving toward one another. How can we expect anyone to only show love for one other person on earth? A beautiful child was brought into the world because of this. Now, hurtful would be when some, socialist, snob, living off of our tax dollars, attacks a maid in his $3000 a night suite.

[Ryan D]

I was wondering when the news would move on from Osama, but come on... this is ridiculous.

[Rip]

Seriously. Turn off the TV and read to your kids. Kids do not need to be exposed to that garbage.

[Portia Hardesty]

Hey, Evolved Anymouse:

This has nothing to do with whether or not monomagy is the answer, and it's much more complex than that. Arnold, like Elvis, and I suspect like you, most likely has a Madonna Complex. It often happens with men who are particularly close to their mothers. Of course Arnold's problems go far beyond that, including the Peter Principle, but no therapist can go into all of that in this short time.

[Chuck]

This is par for the course for female's to take advantage of a situation. Do any of you truly believe that Arnold wanted a CHILD?. I dont think so... The simple reality is MEN have NO CHOICE in this matter. It is the CHOICE of females, What happen to equal rights?. It does not exist for men. The laws need to be changed. The current laws make Absolutely NO sense. Females have ALL the choice and men pay the price for the females choice. Do you know that there are NO circumstances that relieve a man from being forced to pay. That includes, Rape, fraud, etc. etc. Yet these crimes are prosecuted everyday in this country. Men should have a 50% say in this. If the sex was consenual and they say they do not want to be a father and the female still chooses to have a child then it should be her financial responsibility. When non-consenual sex is involved (Rape of a man) then there is no question that the man in NOT responsible.

[Howard]

It amazes me that knowone ever blames the other woman in these situations, it is always the man's fault. This is just another money hungry woman that was looking for her way out of working and providing for herself. What a smart choice, have sex with Arnold have a child, dont tell him, and the system will force him to negotiate or pay.

Hold women responsible for their personal choice.

[General Man]

Why is anyone giving advise on how to talk to your children about celebrity gossip?! Have your kids learn about current world events and social issues that actually matter. This type of situation occurs with affluent families quite often. I cannot believe this was published.

[Kate Hastings]

Yet another reason to thank the gods we don't own a television so my family isn't bombarded with this ridiculous (yet expected) bit of news.

My kids don't surf the net so they won't be reading it anytime soon either.

Find something worthwhile to report. Boo.

[Roxanna]

I know it's been awhile, but did you ask the same question during the Clinton era?