Want to see what Tiger saw? Rachel Uchitel reportedly will pose for Playboy [poll]

David Boreanaz saw it. Tiger Woods saw it. And now we may all be able to see it for ourselves: Rachel Uchitel's naked body, "it" is.

And we won't even have to text her first.

TMZ reports that Uchitel will pose nude for Playboy, in a shoot that's set to go down three weeks from now. Maybe we shouldn't get all up in her face about it, though -- TMZ's source says she's reserved the right to pull out at any time, and that would spoil the fun.

You just laughed. You know you did. And a topic of this seriousness deserves -- you know it -- a nonscientific online poll, presented by our Division of Absolutely Accurate Statistics.

-- Christie D'Zurilla

Photos: (from left) David Boreanaz. Credit: Matt Sayles / Associated Press

Rachel Uchitel. Credit: Katy Winn / Associated Press

Tiger Woods. Credit: Michael Bryant / Philadelphia Inquirer / MCT

The Ministry loves it, in a teen-boy sort of way, when celebrities -- even B-list types -- get nekkid. For more dish on Rachel Uchitel, Tiger Woods and infidelity in general, click and scroll down.

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New book offers more evidence that Tiger Woods' life is nothing like yours

Tiger Woods was clearly impaired the night he crashed his SUV into a tree, as far as officers and paramedics on the scene were concerned, but his celebrity status seems to have protected him from a DUI charge -- that's according to an excerpt from "Tiger: The Real Story," a new book from author Steve Helling.

Elin Nordegren told an officer in the wee hours on Nov. 27, 2009, that Woods had consumed alcohol earlier in the evening, Helling writes, and she brought paramedics the golfer's Ambien and Vicodin to take with them to the hospital after they asked if he was taking any medication.

Police thought they had enough evidence to subpoena the golfer's blood from the hospital, the book says, calling it a "routine process." But apparently not everyone agreed.

[O]fficers were stunned to learn that the State Attorney was unwilling to subpoena the blood-test results. Although a spokeswoman for the office says that Woods’ celebrity status played no part in the decision, officers say that Woods’ fame -- along with his high-powered legal team -- protected him from being charged with a DUI.

Tiger was ultimately issued a citation for careless driving and was hit with a $164 fine. Oh, yeah, then his whole life blew up.

We're sure there must have been another explanation for Tiger's little nap on the street next to his crashed Cadillac Escalade. Seriously -- who hasn't been found snoring on the pavement like that?

-- Christie D'Zurilla

P.S. Just for fun ... a poll.

Photo: Wake up, Tiger! You're in the middle of a news conference! Credit: Chris O'Meara / Associated Press. 

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PREACH IT! Sandra Bullock calls checkmate in a tough public relations game

Sandra Bullock: We salute you. Your People magazine cover this week has to be one of the most ninja public relations moves we’ve seen out of an A-list celebrity since Angelina Jolie hooked up with the United Nations.

Not that we’re saying you announced your baby, Louis, as some sort of calculated image rehab; we don’t mean that at all. Sister, you don’t need image rehab. No, we here at Preach It! congratulate you on keeping such a tight lid on your private affairs until just the right moment, and then springing forth like an amazon on horseback. Too, too magnificent.

Your new triumph represents the pinnacle of how the wronged-woman game should be played in this town. You have set a new bar. At first we thought that maybe Tiger Woods' wife, Elin Nordegren, was neck and neck with you in that department, but no. Sandra, you just knocked that formidable Swede right out of the running. Let’s examine why.

For weeks, Elin has epitomized the estranged classy broad. As Tiger’s myriad skanks paraded before the gossip blogs, Elin also let herself be photographed -- but only doing things like getting on a plane. To, you know, fly away from Tiger.

Elin also bailed on Tiger’s much publicized “press conference” at Sawgrass in February, and skipped his return to golf when he appeared during the Masters, distancing herself both physically and psychologically from a poisonous situation. Now we hear that Elin is definitely, definitely, definitely divorcing Tiger -- but we're not getting the news from her. No. That would be beneath her. Instead, word is coming from high-class minions such as Donald Trump.

Sandra, meanwhile, holed up completely following the Michelle “Bombshell” McGee revelation; photographs of Bullock outside of her home were virtually nonexistent for weeks. She stepped out briefly to visit friends, but the only really solid shot of her before now was during a hike earlier this month -- without her wedding ring. Like Elin, Sandra used fancy friends to do the talking for her, namely, her good buddy George Lopez. Also like Elin, Sandra has said zip about her problems with her husband -- until Wednesday. When asked about Jesse James’ seeming preoccupation with Nazis, she said, "The photo shocked me and made me sad. This is not the man I married. This was stupid, this was ignorant. Racism, anti-Semitism, sexism, homophobia, anything Nazi and a boatload of other things have no place in my life."

Thank you both, ladies, for showing how to play through pain with style.

-- Leslie Gornstein

Top photo: The latest People magazine features Sandra Bullock and her newly adopted son, Louis Bardo Bullock. Credit: Jeff Christensen / Associated Press

Bottom photo: Elin Nordegren sits with her son Charlie during a semifinal match at the Sony Ericsson Open tennis tournament in Key Biscayne, Fla., on April 2. Credit: Lynne Sladky / Associated Press

Click and scroll down to tour the Preach It! archives. Want the headlines? Follow the Ministry of Gossip on Twitter (we're @LATcelebs) or show us you like us on Facebook at facebook.com/ministryofgossip.

PREACH IT! Tiger Woods is still a dirty, dirty little boy

Tiger Woods posted a letter to the fans on his website Friday. Let’s analyze some of the highlights to see how he’s doing out there.

I have to say it felt great to return to competition at the Masters Tournament.

Hooray! Tiger feels great! Hooray!

I received some criticism for bad language, which I apologized for immediately after Saturday's round. It's tough when you're in a competitive environment and in the flow of a tournament.

Tiger cussed! Oh no!

I honestly didn't know what to expect from the fans, but they were absolutely incredible from Monday through Sunday. It was unreal.

Nobody threw a pitching wedge at your head or called you a ho! Awesome!

It also felt great to be in the hunt again, but unfortunately, I didn't have my game.

Wow. Maybe not the best choice in words. Just saying. Moving on.

Once the tournament came, everything felt normal, and I fell into my old rhythm and routine. I didn't even think about it; it just happened. My body knew what to do.

So many ways we could go with that. We’re gonna let that one go too.

Although it was my first tournament using all V-grooves, it was a seamless transition. I played V-grooves in all my irons except my sand wedges at The Presidents Cup and for the remainder of the year, so it was a pretty easy change.

OK, is it us or is this starting to get a little filthy?

I didn't have much trouble adjusting to the sand wedges because I have the softest ball on the PGA Tour.

Tiger! There are children reading this!

Finally, special thanks to all my fans for their well wishes and support. It means more than you know. Talk to you again soon.

Why, you utterly dirty BEAST -- Oh, wait. I guess that part was wholesome enough. Whelp, thanks for writing home, Tiger. We can see your rehab is totally working great!

-- Leslie Gornstein

Photos: Tiger Woods takes the second of two shots, top, to get out of a dirty, dirty bunker on the second hole during the final round of the Masters golf tournament in Augusta, Ga., on April 11, 2010. And at left, heck, we have no idea what he's doing, but it was going on 11 holes later on the same day  Credits: Chris O'Meara / Associated Press, top; Gerry Melendez / The State / MCT, left.

You never know when our words will take a turn for the dirty, especially if you're wallowing in the Preach It! archives. Want the headlines? Follow the Ministry of Gossip on Twitter (we're @LATcelebs) or become a fan on Facebook at facebook.com/ministryofgossip.

PREACH IT! Bombshell McGee gets a gig: Cue the sanctimonious outrage!

A brand-new reality show is making the rounds in Hollywood; you’ll recognize the hosts from their bedroom adventures with Tiger Woods and Jesse James.

That’s right: Woods and James have suffered pretty severe career dips as a result of their serial womanizing. But the mistresses? They’re still cashing in just fine.

Specifically, Michelle “Bombshell” McGee — you know, the white power mistress! — and Jamie Jungers, a.k.a. Tiger Woods Mistress No. 4, have fielded offers to host a show about stars who cheat on their loved ones. The concept, “Celebrity Cheaters,” is still being shopped around, but, per TMZ, both mistresses have agreed to host if the show finds a home.

This isn’t the first time Hollywood has boosted the careers of what the clucking hausfraus of these United States tend to call “home wreckers.”

McGee is also slated to appear — and by appear, yes, we do mean topless — in Vegas on Friday. She’ll be paid $5,000. On May 7, McGee is set to do a stunt boxing match against porn star Gina Lynn. Meanwhile, Rachel Uchitel, the first confirmed mistress of Tiger Woods, landed a job as a special correspondent on the TV celebu-mag "Extra." (She doesn’t necessarily need the cash — not if her reported $10-million shut-up settlement from Woods is accurate. But something tells us ...

Friends of Elin Nordegren say she is close to filing for divorce from Tiger Woods [Updated]

Elin Nordegren has had it with Tiger Woods.

As if having your famous husband's countless affairs made public isn't bad enough, Nordegren's friends are saying she's furious about his speedy return to golf.

She doesn't like that controversial Nike commercial he did either. To hear sources talking to People magazine tell it, Mrs. Tiger Woods is now past trying to make her marriage work -- televised public apology or not.

Nordegren is particularly peeved about the Nike ad, in which a forlorn-looking Woods gets a scolding from his late father from beyond the grave; it is said to have pushed her over the edge.

"Elin was violently angry over this commercial and thought it was a cheesy thing to do," a friend of Nordegren's told the magazine. The voice of his father, Earl Woods, was in fact pulled from an interview about his wife Kultilda, not Tiger.

Worse still, Nordegren is said to be stunned and hurt that Woods did not take more time off from golf to work on his marriage. She did not attend his return performance at the Masters, where he finished a disappointing fourth, and instead flew out of Florida without her husband and children.

"She wouldn't have gone near the Masters under any condition, but that just made her madder," the source said. "She is over Tiger. I wouldn't be surprised if she files for divorce sometime soon."

But it's all speculation for now. There is no confirmation that Nordegren has filed any legal papers or retained a divorce attorney. [Updated 1:31 p.m.: RadarOnline is reporting that she met with a divorce attorney before flying out of Florida.]

Still, her friends say she's done.

"She's so far beyond hurt now," the source continues. "If she were angry or if she hated him, they might still have a chance to work it out. But she's beyond that. She's numb. She just doesn't care anymore. She's like, 'Whatever.' Elin's not the type to get all weepy or have pity parties for herself. She mourned the loss of this marriage, and now she's moving on. It's the only thing she can do."

-- Denise Martin

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Photo: During happier times: Tiger Woods and wife Elin Nordegren attend an October event in San Francisco. Credit: Associated Press.

Hugh Hefner on Tiger Woods and Jesse James rehabbing after being caught cheating: 'It's a cop out'

Who better than the founder of Playboy to ask about the dalliances of today's entertainers who run to rehab once they're found cheating?

Hugh Hefner turned 84 on Friday, and moments after playing around with the birthday gift just given to him by his girlfriend (Hef got an iPad), he sat down and talked about the new trend of 3-D movies ("It's a gimmick and how long it will last we'll see."), this year's box-office blockbuster "Alice in Wonderland" ("Slight on story, very strong visually. Tim Burton is a genius."), and why he has never found himself embroiled in scandal despite his less-than-mundane life.

But when it came to asking the man who knows a thing or two about human sexual behavior, particularly in regard to famous men, Hefner said although he believes some people have become addicted to sex and need treatment, it doesn't have much to do with sex when the likes of Tiger Woods and Jesse James enter rehab. 

"I think it is a cop out," Hefner said from inside the Playboy mansion. "In the cases we are talking about here, they're making choices and they think they can get away with it. And I think the real immorality about it is the cheating, not the sex."

Not long after the interview, Hef was joined by his friends for an annual viewing of his favorite film, "Casablanca," after eating caviar and drinking champagne by candlelight.

"Very romantic," he explained.

-- Tony Pierce

Video credit: Tim French / Los Angeles Times

Related dispatches: 

Playboy founder Hugh Hefner's first true love was movies

Hugh Hefner's secret identity as a comic book artist

You know what else is romantic? The way you follow the Ministry of Gossip on Twitter (we're @LATcelebs) and how you say nice things about us on our Facebook page at facebook.com/ministryofgossip.

Tiger Woods and Tiki Barber -- the game goes on

So Tiger Woods is doing great so far at the Masters -- and the Internet is doing yeoman's work mocking what Deadspin calls his "zombie Earl Woods commercial." Click here to see some of the Nike ad parodies, but do it soon -- the videos seem to be dropping like flies as they get popped for copyright violations. 

Deadspin also offers a field guide to having an affair with younger-women-not-your-wife, evaluating the works of Tiki Barber and Tiger Woods, and giving a shout-out to Tom Brady because, you know, he picked Gisele Bundchen.

-- Christie D'Zurilla

Photo: Tiger Woods hands clubs to caddy Steve Williams during the first round of the Masters in Augusta, Ga., on March 8, 2010. Credit: Don Emmert / AFP / Getty Images. 

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Earl Woods' words from 2004 interview weren't about Tiger at all

So by now we've heard what Earl Woods says to Tiger Woods from beyond the grave in the Nike spot that will run only through Thursday night. ABC News, however, has this clip of Earl speaking those words in their original context, an interview from 2004.

Slightly less creepy? Maybe. Until you realize he was talking about the differences between him and his wife, Kultida -- nothing to do with Tiger at all.

-- Christie D'Zurilla

[For the record, 7:41 a.m. April 9: Kultida Woods' first name was misspelled as Kutilda in a previous version of this post.]

Click here and scroll down for all things Tiger Woods. Want the headlines? Follow the Ministry of Gossip on Twitter (we're @LATcelebs).  And if you want to become a fan on Facebook, find us at facebook.com/ministryofgossip.

Tiger Woods' Nike commercial -- wait till your father gets home?

Nike definitely faced a challenge in bringing Tiger Woods' face back to its Nike Golf ads.

This is, technically, one way to handle it -- heck, why not show us a defeated Tiger getting a lecture from his dear, departed Dad. You just wait till your father gets home, young man.

"Creepy," "downer" and "Wha...???" would not have been our inner Don Draper's first instincts. At the very least, we would've encouraged Tiger to get a good night's sleep before the shoot.

Is it just us?

-- Christie D'Zurilla

Click here and scroll down for all things Tiger. Want the headlines? Follow the Ministry of Gossip on Twitter (we're @LATcelebs).  And if you want to become a fan on Facebook, find us at facebook.com/ministryofgossip.