Pink and Carey Hart show off new baby; picture looks oddly familiar

Singer Pink and husband Carey Hart have released their first baby picture — of, you know, their first baby.

It's clear after viewing this photo that the couple have mastered Principle No. 1 of Celebrity Baby Portraits: Beaming broadly, as if they've each gotten a full night’s sleep. Which they have not.

However, the couple have yet to remember Principle No. 2: Gazing down at said baby with Virgin Mary-style adoration. We're sure the Harts will remember to do that when they have their second child.

The Hart baby is cute and everything, but, like every baby of that age, little Willow Sage (no comment) doesn't look like her parents. Willow Sage, of course, looks like Winston Churchill. This is not meant as an insult. It's meant as science. Every single baby on this planet is born looking like a bald gentleman whose top hat went missing during the last Blitz. And yet celebrity media fight for these first baby photos — fight for them so fiercely that Pink recently accused the paparazzi of "harassing" and "stalking" the new family.

We here at the Ministry could not understand why these first baby photos — which routinely fetch between $10,000 and $1 million — are so sought after, given that, as we have established, every baby looks the same.

So we asked someone who would know.

"Everybody just loves to see a new baby," says Mark Pasetsky, former managing editor of OK! magazine. "How many times do you get to see a celebrity with her first baby for the first time? It may not be the most descriptive photo, but it's special for her and her fans."

So let's see if we understand this correctly: It's the when, not the what. People don't want to see famous baby photos to see the famous baby. They want to see the specialness of it all.

Fair enough, we guess. But we would've given Pink more credit if that baby had been wearing a top hat and toy cigar.

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— Leslie Gornstein

Photos: Pink, left, and Carey Hart, right, have released the first picture of their baby — who is not shown, center. Credits: Larry Busacca /  Getty Images, left; Joe O'Donnell / The Arts Co., center; Danny Moloshok / Reuters, right.

Why 'The Hobbit' superfans should let Evangeline Lilly into their treehouse

Peter Jackson has inserted a new character into his upcoming "The Hobbit" two-parter -- a character that J.R.R. Tolkien did not write. Repeat: Peter Jackson is messing with the sacred texts. Again. This time, it's via "Lost" star Evangeline Lilly, who shall don the pointy ears and become a new woodland elf named Tauriel.

Judas! It’s only a matter of time before armies of dweebs ball up their disapproval into fiery wads of nerd rage and catapult their ire into the blogosphere. After all, when Jackson announced the creative casting of Saoirse Ronan as another made-up elven character earlier this year, talk among the superfans grew dire.

"To Hobbit purists, this is grave news," Hobbit Central intoned.

But according to academics who have studied Tolkien -- yes, there are those -- purists may wish to step away from their keyboards and let the tar cool. Movies and books are different animals; readers and viewers have different demands. (Translated into superfan-speak: Storytelling in a novel versus storytelling in a film is like, er, the Teleri versus the Noldor. They're both elves, but it goes without saying that a sea elf is nothing like a deep elf.)

In truth, the elves of "The Hobbit" novel don't have much to say. They capture our heroes, who later escape. The elves also go to war, but otherwise we know little to nothing about them on the written page. So is it really any surprise that Jackson has created a new elf to bridge a few gaps in the movie adaptation?

"The wood elves in 'The Hobbit' are pretty underdeveloped," notes Corey Olsen, a Washington College educator who has a website called  The Tolkien Professor. "The only elf who has much of a role is the king, and he's not even named.

"It doesn't surprise me that Peter Jackson would want to invest at least one or two elves with more character, because they are pretty faceless in the book," Olsen explains.

So, superfans: Stay thy rage! After all, the rest of the casting is pretty amazing: Sherlock Holmes as Smaug, anyone?

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-- Leslie Gornstein

Photo: Evangeline Lilly as Kate in "Lost." Credit: Art Streiber / ABC

Kanye West keeping his mouth shut? It's much less fun

Have you heard the latest about Kanye West? Well, no, you couldn't have, because the news about Kanye West is his silence.

It appears that the loudest mouth in hip-hop -- and that is saying something -- is trying something new: Not talking. At all. Not tweeting, not taking questions on red carpets, not even speaking during officially arranged interviews.

For a man who loves the sound of his own voice -- to the point where he interrupts other celebrities during their award show speeches -- this is uncharted territory.

The Great Silence of 2011 actually began last November, soon after West met with Matt Lauer for an interview on "Today." The interview, let’s just say, got contentious. The heat later spilled over into Twitter, with West piling up his signature exclamation points of outrage. ("Everything sounds like noise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVERYTHING SOUNDS LIKE NOISE!!!!!!!! I don't trust anyone!")

Then after the noise -- nothing. Well, almost nothing. It took awhile for West to wind down his Twitter account, but wind it down he eventually did. He has been silent on that medium since March, and on red carpets too. During an appearance at the CDFA Awards on Monday, West talked to other celebrities on the carpet, but not the media. Unless it was to tell the media that he wasn’t telling.

"Sorry,” he told E! Online, shaking his head. “I don't do interviews."

And back in January, there was the silent interview. Yes, really. At a reception featuring artist George Condo, who did the album art for West's "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy," West emerged to stand by the artist’s side. New York  magazine tried asking the rapper a few questions. An elegant kabuki dance of an interview ensued.

We here at the Ministry aren't sure how long West can keep this up without dissolving into a couture-clad puddle of despair. (West is nothing if not well-dressed.) After all, just this week the guy put out a new video almost custom-built for the morning talk-show circuit: chainsaws, decapitated models, the whole nine. And yet, all we've gotten is a disclaimer at the front of the video, saying that the piece should be judged as art, nothing more.

We're not betting people, but we'd wager our favorite Celine blouse that Mount Kanye erupts sooner rather than later. What fun is he otherwise?

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-- Leslie Gornstein

Photo: Kanye West at the CFDA Fashion Awards. Credit: Andrew H. Walker / Getty Images

 

T-Pain dumps Auto-Tune, explores new ways to sound like Cher

T-Pain has promised he will never use Auto-Tune again. Instead, the singer-rapper is developing a new sound he calls The T-Pain Effect.

Do not underestimate the magnitude of this promise, which, for people under 30, is probably the most exciting pledge they’ve fielded since Michael Lohan swore he would shut up. Lohan, of course, did not shut up, and it isn’t likely that T-Pain is really going to abandon his love of lucrative audiocrutches, either. In fact, if you look at the fine print of his announcement, it’s likely that, whatever the new patented T-Pain Effect sounds like, it won’t be T-Pain’s Actual Voice (TM).

Let’s take a look at the fine print of his announcement. The press release, issued Thursday, quotes T-Pain as saying, “I vow right here, right now, to never use Auto-Tune again.” Note the capital letters. Auto-Tune is a brand name, a reference to a product offered by the company Antares Audio Recordings. T-Pain signed a contract with Antares in 2009. It’s safe to say that contract is up.

But Antares isn’t the only company that can make your voice sound like the starship Enterprise under 40 feet of saltwater. Another company is iZotope, and it just so happens that T-Pain has a new deal with that company, to create his upcoming T-Pain Effect. No one knows what the effect will sound like. Maybe it’ll make T-Pain sound like Barbra Streisand, and Streisand sound like Ted Nugent. Maybe it can make my cat -- who is currently going through a phase involving yelling at me at 3 a.m. -- croon like Dean Martin after exactly two highballs. That would make me want to sign a contract with iZotope.

But whatever T-Pain plans to sound like, don’t expect, say, something intimate and natural, like Adele. Contemporary music is being overrun with the distant, angular tone that comes from robotic voice effects. It’s used in various degrees by Kanye West (who doesn’t need it), Kim Kardashian (who probably does), Imogen Heap (who doesn’t) and everyone in between. Right now, the whole world sounds like Cher circa 1998, and people love it.

“It’s pretty prevalent in most genres of music, to be honest,” says producer Kevin Kadish, who has worked with Jason Mraz, Miley Cyrus and Willie Nelson, among others. “I don’t think it’s on its way out.”

In fact, here’s a tip for you: “Everybody uses it,” Kadish says. “Sometimes you might not know it.”

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-- Leslie Gornstein

Photo: T-Pain performs at the Gibson Amphitheater in 2009. Credit: Jay L. Clendenin/Los Angeles Times

Just try saying goodbye to Oprah Winfrey; she'll find you

By now we have had plenty of time to mourn Oprah Winfrey. Thanks to Winfrey’s network, OWN, we have been sitting a yearlong shiva, watching the Christ-like Last Days through a show called "Oprah Behind the Scenes." We’ve also witnessed celebrity after celebrity make their pilgrim’s progress to Chicago to tell Oprah how she’s brightened the lives of millions. (Because if there’s anyone who reflects the will of the people, it’s Madonna.) And traditional newspapers are already going on about Oprah as if she’s no longer alive. (“The Oprah Winfrey age comes to an end,” the Daily Mail keened.)

What we haven’t really had is a reality check: This woman isn’t going anyplace — at least, anyplace where a camera can’t find her. She is barred from returning to a talk show until 2012, but that’s exactly what she plans to do once January comes. "Oprah's Next Chapter" is expected to feature footage with the megastar roughly three times a week. No, that’s not a daily dose of feel-good-yes-I-can-isms, but it’s a schedule that leaves Oprah plenty of opportunities to remind us about what soap she prefers or how chummy she is with Jennifer Aniston.

In the meantime, Winfrey isn’t exactly shying away from celebrity, either. (There is no way that a person who shares her camping trips with the planet is ever, ever going to abandon life in front of a camera.) In September, Winfrey’s broadcast contract frees OWN to present vintage Oprah episodes, and the network has said it plans to do so, including 60 with new intros featuring Winfrey herself.

Oprah has said she wants to leave behind the grind of a daily TV talk show. That we can believe. But we here at MOG will bet you dollars to doughnuts (if not Sprinkles cupcakes — thanks for the recommendation, Oprah!) that the billionaire will be on her deathbed before she ever, truly, steps down. Her daily talk show may be at an end, but the Oprah Winfrey Age will go on for as long as Oprah needs to talk about herself and her friends in front of a lens. And that day is a long, long way off.

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— Leslie Gornstein

Photo: Oprah Winfrey in January. Credit: Chris Pizzello / Associated Press.

Hey Charlie Sheen, how's that whole image rehab thing working out?

As much as we loathe giving Charlie Sheen more ink -- or whatever the electronic equivalent is -- well, here we go. In recent days, Sheen has decided to aim his violent torpedo at something other than Chuck Lorre. Sheen's new targets? Homelessness, poverty and -- violence. Yes, really.

The actor's new charity, Sheen's Korner, recently announced plans to throw money at Bryan Stow, the San Francisco Giants fan who was beaten into a coma outside of Dodger Stadium on opening day. Sheen is also giving away signed baseballs in exchange for donations of $100 or more toward the victims of the Alabama tornadoes.

Lastly, Sheen's made some noise about raising cash for bipolar awareness, providing -- after a little nudging -- more than $5,000 for the Organization for Bipolar Affective Disorders.

So! Altogether now! Who's impressed?

"Too little, too late," sniffs Bretton Holmes, a crisis PR guy who recently represented Laurel Kagay, an ex of "The Bachelor" contestant Brad Womack. "A sure sign of desperation on his part."

"Fruitless," echoes BJ Coleman, a publicist whose client roster has included Naomi "Run! She's Got a Cellphone!" Campbell. "Sheen needs to directly address his pending issues with his fan base and take ownership for any personal problems he may facing and deal with them."

Ouch. But what about The People? They must appreciate the effort. Right?

"We've seen in the past two weeks someone whose reputation is damaged and continuing to spiral out of control," says Kenneth C. Wisnefski, founder and chief executive at WebiMax, a reputation management company specializing in social media. "There is simply no monitoring or control in place that can stop his down-falling reputation."

Well! We know someone who won't be getting a signed baseball anytime soon.

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-- Leslie Gornstein

Photo: Charlie Sheen. Credit: Rick Wilking / Reuters

Donald Trump says something, and -- ha! Hollywood made you look

As the royal wedding creeps ever closer, threatening us all with the giant fruitcake that ate London, we turn our beady eye closer to home -- to American royalty. Or the closest thing to it. Or, actually, the man who believes himself to be the closest thing to it. We speak, of course, of Donald Trump.

In recent months, Trump has uttered unto us a desire to be president. Sure, he's a birther, but so are plenty of other bat-guano-insane Americans. In fact, one needs to look no further than this week's headlines to realize that the man has everything it takes to snatch up the presidency. (Just bear with us here.)

First, the likelihood of Trump actually occupying the White House: For the record, the man has said he wants to be Realtor in Chief and that, yes, he's serious about it, no matter what his hair might say on the matter. A recent poll suggests that plenty of Americans like the idea, if for no other reason than to hear him say "You're fired" in news conferences. And Trump certainly has the minimal required chops, having appeared on TV and everything.

The rest of Hollywood seems to be taking Trump seriously too. Robert De Niro, Charlie Sheen and Jerry Seinfeld have all taken shots at the Donald in the last few days, calling the real estate blowhard a terrible candidate for the White House, a king of birther bull and a car salesman.

"It's like a big hustle; it's like being a car salesman," De Niro said. "Don't go out there and say things unless you can back them up. How dare you? That's awful to do. To just go out and speak and say these terrible things? Unless you just wanna get over and get the job. It's crazy."

(Bret Michaels and Gary Busey, meanwhile, have come out in favor of turning the White House into a Trump Tower.)

So why does this prove that Trump is man enough to take D.C.?

Beyonce can't decide how to look. But we love it. [poll]

Ever since Madonna shocked the planet back in 1986 by actually putting clothes on, pop stars have made it their business to reinvent their looks every so often -- usually with every new album.

Rihanna went from a parachute-pantalooned tween sensation to, literally, a good girl gone bad. Lady Gaga has decided she's a Jurassic alien with pointy "bones" sticking out of her cheeks. Justin Bieber cut off one whole inch of his hair. You get the picture.

Now let's take a look at Beyonce's latest incarnation(s). It appears we're dealing with what might happen if Erykah Badu had a baby with a giant flower and then handed said half-plant over to Barbarella to be raised on a desert planet.

You know: In a good way.

What do you think of Beyonce’s new visual mashup? Let us know in the poll below and in comments.

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-- Leslie Gornstein

Photo: Beyonce Knowles looks fierce and flowery at Hotel Ritz in Paris. Credit: Marc Piasecki / FilmMagic.

After Miranda Kerr and Rachel Zoe, the pressure's on Kate Hudson to lose that baby fat already, would ya?

Kate Hudson is expecting! Evangeline Lilly has a bun in the oven! Mariah Carey is pregnant with just the precious-est twins ever!

Uh, yay?

Preach It! has never managed to summon the proper amount of glee when a star gets knocked up. We get it: We’re the celebrity gossip media; we’re supposed to go squee! and trot out phrases like “baby bumpin’!” and “baby joy!” and run photos of “beautifully pregnant” and “glowing” starlets shopping for tiny clothes at boutiques no one else can afford.

But maybe we’re less than enthused because of what’s happening -- with increasing speed -- after these kids arrive. We speak, of course, of mommy’s weight loss. The media tend to use the cutesy phrase “body after baby” -- the impossible size-2-to-0 figure that starlets are expected to reclaim in less time than it takes for a Gabor to drop a fur coat onto a divan.

Usually, we’re talking a pretty tight weight-loss window: A few months, perhaps. Miranda Kerr, for example, is looking pretty much the way she used to after four months of motherhood.

But that “body after baby” time frame appears to be, well, shrinking. After initially lying about her pregnant state, celebu-stylist Rachel Zoe eventually gave birth to a boy last month. Fast-forward three weeks, and Zoe is padding around Los Angeles looking as scrawny as she was in her heyday. How do we know? Because of the headlines, of course.

“Rachel Zoe Shows Off Her Post-Baby Body,” SocialiteLife simpered.

“Rachel Zoe is skinny again,” is how Hollyscoop put it.

And, per the stiffer upper lips of Britain’s Daily Mail: “Rachel Zoe regains her slender form just three weeks after giving birth.” 

At this rate, we’ll be demanding that Hudson drop her weight before she even pops out that baby.

Forgive us if we fail to squee.

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-- Leslie Gornstein

Photo: Miranda Kerr arrives at a Victoria's Secret event at Club L on March 30 in Los Angeles. Credit: Jerod Harris / Getty Images for Victoria's Secret.

God save Kate Middleton! Unless she's Catholic, because that would complicate things

Here comes the bride! Here comes Kate Middleton, scrubbed clean of every last remnant of her commoner days, hair gleaming like the Crown Jewels, her diamond-and-sapphire engagement ring shining like a smile from good Queen Bess herself. Bring on the horse-drawn carriages! Bring on the mega-fruitcake!

Bring on the -- discrimination?

From a Reuters story that popped 'round earlier this week: "British law forbids a Catholic, or anyone married to a Catholic, from taking the throne."

That rather ugly nugget came at the end of an item revealing that Middleton has undergone confirmation into the Anglican Church, otherwise known as the official religion of the country of Great Britain.

And oh, there's also this: "As second in line to the throne, William is set to become supreme head of the Church of England when he becomes monarch."

That's right: The wearer of the British crown is also, still, to this day, considered the top religious authority in the country. Nominally, of course. But also quite officially.

And one more thing: Let's flash forward to a few years from now. Let's say Kate and Will have a baby girl. We'll call her Margaret, because, let's face it, it's either Margaret, Anne or Elizabeth. Anyway, let's imagine Margaret is followed by another tot -- say, James.

Guess which child gets to jump to the head of the succession line.

Yeah. It ain't Maggie. To this day, British rules of succession discriminate on who gets the crown and scepter -- based on gender.