PREACH IT! Heidi Montag has no friends, hence all gossip about her is false

We love celebrity logic. It’s a bit like string theory: When objects reach a certain size, they simply stop making sense. In physics, the nonsensical behavior occurs among quantum particles, which are very small. In Hollywood, it’s the opposite; where giant egos walk the Earth, bizarro thinking follows. But whatever. Admit it: The analogy we just made is way awesome. It has both stars AND physics, without actually veering into astrophysics.

Today’s example of rabbit-hole celebrity thinking: Heidi Montag. In a fresh series of Tweets, she declares two things, neither of which are exaggerated or taken out of context. The first is that she’s never been happier. Really. The whole new-rubber-face thing? Working out great.


The second thing is that she has no friends.

Take it away, Heidi (unedited, in no particular order of Tweet):

“I have never felt sexier, happier, or more amazing in my own skin. I truly look the way I have always dreamed, I love America and freedom!”

(Editor’s note: I know, right?!)

Heidi Montag says she can fill Megan Fox's 'Transformers' role [poll]

Heidi Montag has let "Transformers" director Michael Bay know, via Twitter, that she's game to fill Megan Fox's shoes as Mikaela Banes in the third installment of the robot-action franchise should the director trip, hit his head on a rock and suffer a dramatic fall-off in casting judgment.

"Michael Bay I love your work! I know what a artistic brilliant genius you are! Cast me in the next Transformers."

(We'd like to point out that those quote marks actually come from Heidi herself, who seems to have cleverly packaged the comment for public consumption -- and we like to daydream that she or whoever speaks English for her made those girly "quote marks" in the "air" with her "hands" while "tweeting." That would be a artistic brilliant thing to do.)

Fox and the franchise have parted ways, it was announced Wednesday, with some speculation ...

Sharon Osbourne: My implants will be Ozzy's paperweights

Sharon Osbourne, rarely known for the soft sell, confirmed to "Today" on Monday that she plans to get her breast implants removed this summer and will give them to husband Ozzy Osbourne to use as a  paperweight.

Why? "'Cause they're better on his desk than on my chest. 'Cause they're awful."

~~ Wait ... Ozzy has a desk?? ~~

The "Celebrity Apprentice" contestant also revealed that she'd had H1N1, a.k.a. swine flu, while the show was taped last fall, "but we didn't tell anyone." She said she'd never been so sick.

She also said "Apprentice" was the hardest but the best thing she'd ever done. 

-- Christie D'Zurilla

Kate Hudson kicks it up a notch on top?

Does Kate Hudson now have something in common with Heidi Montag?

We're totally kidding, people! That's like saying a Double Down and a Lean Cuisine have something in common, because they're both food.

Nonetheless, Us Weekly reports that Goldie Hawn's daughter had a small breast augmentation in late March, according to a source, and photos seem to back up that assertion.

Rock on, Kate -- you're beautiful at any size.

-- Christie D'Zurilla

Photo: Kate Hudson arrives on the red carpet at the 67th Golden Globe Awards in Los Angeles on Jan. 17. Credit: Andrew Gombert / EPA.

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Heidi Montag reveals her huge new Hollywood presence

In case you hadn't heard, Heidi Montag of "The Hills" has had a little work done. The kind of work that makes a mother cry.

Now you can cry too after clicking here and experiencing Montag's shock-and-awe surgically "enhanced" body, which she unveiled this weekend poolside at Aria in Las Vegas. "The Hills" goes off the air April 27; Montag was wearing a swimsuit supposedly from her new line of bikinis.

Don't forget, folks, she wants to make them bigger.

No, not the bikinis.

-- Christie D'Zurilla

Photo: Heidi Montag arrives to host a Valentine's Day evening event at the Pure Nightclub at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas. Credit: David Becker / Getty Images.

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Report: Heidi Montag will soap up her after-market mods and show them off in Playboy

Seems "The Hills" star Heidi Montag's 10 new plastic surgery nips and tucks really have built up the 23-year-old's self-esteem.

Now that she looks almost nothing like she did as recently as November, the blond -- she's still blond -- is apparently confident enough, MSNBC's the Scoop says, to pose topless for Playboy!

That's instead of just settling for those lame-o, no-nudity bikini shots she popped for the mag back in September. 

(Get this -- she said they even had to Photoshop one of her lame-o you-know-whats bigger, just to fill out the bikini top! Can you imagine the horror?)

You go girl! Woo! Hoo! Because nothing says "I'm happy just being the strong woman who is me!" than pressing your bangin' new triple-Ds up against a soapy shower door and banking six or seven figures for your scantily clad day's work.

Another PREACH IT quiz! I have a brain like Judd Apatow, and I didn’t even pay for it

Here’s the composite face of America, at least, in its dreams: A person with the nose of Nicole Kidman, the jawline of Emily Blunt and the hair of Taylor Swift.

According to a new survey by facial plastic surgeons Richard Fleming and Toby Mayer of the Beverly Hills Institute, these are the celebrity features that plastic surgery patients nationwide desire the most.

“People just love her nose,” Fleming tells me. “The fact that she came up No. 1 again even though she hasn't been as much in the public eye was very telling. Despite that, people keep consistently requesting her nose; this is a very common result. She just keeps coming back again!”

(Note: Kidman’s nose may have made the survey, but her mesmerizingly placid forehead somehow did not. Go figure.)

But it doesn’t end there. Guys want eyes like -- Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Think you share the same tastes as the rest of the country? Take our quiz (it's after the break) and see which other stars are keeping plastic surgeons in fancy scrubs.

Carrie Prejean and the Miss Universe pageant call it a draw

Annnnd ... it's over.

The fiasco that started with a same-sex-marriage question from Miss Universe pageant judge Perez Hilton and peaked with Miss California Carrie Prejean being relieved of her title has ended with a fizzle.

According to a joint statement released Tuesday, Prejean and the organizers of the pageant have reached a confidential settlement on dueling lawsuits.

Prejean had sued over allegations of religious discrimination, slander and libel. Pageant officials sued back, saying Prejean hadn't fulfilled contractual requirements, and, oh yeah, they wanted their plastic-surgery money back. 

Yes, one of the more salacious points of contention had been who would foot the $5,200 bill for Prejean's breast enhancement. A countersuit was even filed in connection with the augmentation argument.

And the decision? It's all good. Keep those, whydontcha, seeing as they're attached and all.

Move along, folks, nothing to see here.

-- Christie D'Zurilla

Photo: Then-Miss California Carrie Prejean responds to a question from judge Perez Hilton about gay marriage during the question-and-answer session of the Miss USA pageant in April. Credit: Eric Jamison / Associated Press