Donald Trump says something, and -- ha! Hollywood made you look

As the royal wedding creeps ever closer, threatening us all with the giant fruitcake that ate London, we turn our beady eye closer to home -- to American royalty. Or the closest thing to it. Or, actually, the man who believes himself to be the closest thing to it. We speak, of course, of Donald Trump.

In recent months, Trump has uttered unto us a desire to be president. Sure, he's a birther, but so are plenty of other bat-guano-insane Americans. In fact, one needs to look no further than this week's headlines to realize that the man has everything it takes to snatch up the presidency. (Just bear with us here.)

First, the likelihood of Trump actually occupying the White House: For the record, the man has said he wants to be Realtor in Chief and that, yes, he's serious about it, no matter what his hair might say on the matter. A recent poll suggests that plenty of Americans like the idea, if for no other reason than to hear him say "You're fired" in news conferences. And Trump certainly has the minimal required chops, having appeared on TV and everything.

The rest of Hollywood seems to be taking Trump seriously too. Robert De Niro, Charlie Sheen and Jerry Seinfeld have all taken shots at the Donald in the last few days, calling the real estate blowhard a terrible candidate for the White House, a king of birther bull and a car salesman.

"It's like a big hustle; it's like being a car salesman," De Niro said. "Don't go out there and say things unless you can back them up. How dare you? That's awful to do. To just go out and speak and say these terrible things? Unless you just wanna get over and get the job. It's crazy."

(Bret Michaels and Gary Busey, meanwhile, have come out in favor of turning the White House into a Trump Tower.)

So why does this prove that Trump is man enough to take D.C.?

Beyonce can't decide how to look. But we love it. [poll]

Ever since Madonna shocked the planet back in 1986 by actually putting clothes on, pop stars have made it their business to reinvent their looks every so often -- usually with every new album.

Rihanna went from a parachute-pantalooned tween sensation to, literally, a good girl gone bad. Lady Gaga has decided she's a Jurassic alien with pointy "bones" sticking out of her cheeks. Justin Bieber cut off one whole inch of his hair. You get the picture.

Now let's take a look at Beyonce's latest incarnation(s). It appears we're dealing with what might happen if Erykah Badu had a baby with a giant flower and then handed said half-plant over to Barbarella to be raised on a desert planet.

You know: In a good way.

What do you think of Beyonce’s new visual mashup? Let us know in the poll below and in comments.

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-- Leslie Gornstein

Photo: Beyonce Knowles looks fierce and flowery at Hotel Ritz in Paris. Credit: Marc Piasecki / FilmMagic.

After Miranda Kerr and Rachel Zoe, the pressure's on Kate Hudson to lose that baby fat already, would ya?

Kate Hudson is expecting! Evangeline Lilly has a bun in the oven! Mariah Carey is pregnant with just the precious-est twins ever!

Uh, yay?

Preach It! has never managed to summon the proper amount of glee when a star gets knocked up. We get it: We’re the celebrity gossip media; we’re supposed to go squee! and trot out phrases like “baby bumpin’!” and “baby joy!” and run photos of “beautifully pregnant” and “glowing” starlets shopping for tiny clothes at boutiques no one else can afford.

But maybe we’re less than enthused because of what’s happening -- with increasing speed -- after these kids arrive. We speak, of course, of mommy’s weight loss. The media tend to use the cutesy phrase “body after baby” -- the impossible size-2-to-0 figure that starlets are expected to reclaim in less time than it takes for a Gabor to drop a fur coat onto a divan.

Usually, we’re talking a pretty tight weight-loss window: A few months, perhaps. Miranda Kerr, for example, is looking pretty much the way she used to after four months of motherhood.

But that “body after baby” time frame appears to be, well, shrinking. After initially lying about her pregnant state, celebu-stylist Rachel Zoe eventually gave birth to a boy last month. Fast-forward three weeks, and Zoe is padding around Los Angeles looking as scrawny as she was in her heyday. How do we know? Because of the headlines, of course.

“Rachel Zoe Shows Off Her Post-Baby Body,” SocialiteLife simpered.

“Rachel Zoe is skinny again,” is how Hollyscoop put it.

And, per the stiffer upper lips of Britain’s Daily Mail: “Rachel Zoe regains her slender form just three weeks after giving birth.” 

At this rate, we’ll be demanding that Hudson drop her weight before she even pops out that baby.

Forgive us if we fail to squee.

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-- Leslie Gornstein

Photo: Miranda Kerr arrives at a Victoria's Secret event at Club L on March 30 in Los Angeles. Credit: Jerod Harris / Getty Images for Victoria's Secret.

The casting of 'The Hunger Games': Just calm down already

Perhaps you’ve been following the development of "The Hunger Games" — the upcoming film based on the book that may have been ripped off from another book about kids fighting in a giant outdoor lucha libre death match.

Actually, scratch that. Of course you’ve been following the development of "The Hunger Games." "Twilight" is winding down. What else are tweens and overheated hausfraus expected to follow — the situation in Libya?

So here’s the latest with "The Hunger Games": Casting. Not everybody likes the designated hottie lineup. For one, the franchise heroine, a brown-haired teenager named Katniss, will be channeled on screen by a blond 20-year-old named Jennifer Lawrence. The two boys who complete the Katniss love sandwich in the book also will be of age in the movie: Liam Hemsworth (21) and Josh Hutcherson (18).

To many fans, the choices seemed clueless at best, cravenly cynical at worst. After all, isn’t there a perfectly serviceable, 14-year-old Hailee Steinfeld all trained and ready to report to the set? So you’d think. But then you’d think wrong.

Casting directors say that, yes, while Steinfeld may, in fact, exist, the suits at Lionsgate probably couldn’t have hired her even if they'd wanted to. In fact, they likely had to cast a trio of adults. Here’s why.

By law, child actors can work only six hours per day. They also require on-set tutors, multiple breaks and other quite reasonable allowances that can add up on a studio’s balance sheet. One kid, a la "Little Miss Sunshine," works fine money-wise. Several kids? Often cost prohibitive.

(Sure, Steinfeld was one of the leads in "True Grit." But she was the only child lead. After her six hours per day were up, Jeff Bridges or Matt Damon could mosey on in and work for another six hours.)

So why not divide it up? Well, if you cast one kid -- say, as the female lead -- it would look awkward to have her flirting -- or fighting -- with adult men. And vice versa: Imagine an adult woman having an on-screen love triangle with boys who look underage.

“We have to believe that these are all kids who are reasonably the same age,” says Bonnie Gillespie of the casting company Cricket Feet.

And there you have it. Bring on the geriatric tributes!

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Prince William gets a taste of media cattiness ahead of wedding

Russell Simmons defends that poor, sad, innocent, suffering Chris Brown

Don't look now, but Kate Middleton just ate something

— Leslie Gornstein

Photos (from left): Liam Hemsworth. Credit: Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images.

Jennifer Lawrence. Credit: Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images.

Josh Hutcherson. Credit: Kirk McKoy / Los Angeles Times

Prince William gets a taste of media cattiness ahead of wedding

About all that outrage we vented over Kate Middleton’s treatment in the press: We take it back. Sort of. Kind of. For it appears that Middleton is not the sole member of the soon-to-be-royal couple taking unfair heat in the media. The flak Prince William is taking isn’t over his weight -- though, come on, let’s be fair, his cheeks do look a bit chub. No, the sniping is over Will’s pate, and the growing bald spot sitting on top.

Per the Associated Press: “Prince William’s hairline is fading fast.” (Insert your own schadenfreude snickering here.)

“Casual observers who have not paid much attention to Britain's future king in the years before his recent engagement to Kate Middleton have been surprised by the extent of the 28-year-old's hair loss,” the news organization snipes. “William still cuts a tall, imposing figure, but his bald spot has been spreading as his hairline recedes. It's even more apparent since his 26-year-old brother Prince Harry still sports a luxuriant supply of tousled red hair.”

(Way to attempt an US Weekly-style feud, there, AP. But really: Stick to DC-based navel gazing and leave the serious cattiness to the tabs.)

As for the rest of the Fourth Estate, there are about 895 recent articles mentioning Will’s hairline. Methinks there might be a Royal Office of the Rogaine Purveyor before long.

-- Leslie Gornstein

Photo: Prince William has a bald spot? Fiancee Kate Middleton doesn't seem to notice. Credit: Peter Morrison/Associated Press

Russell Simmons defends that poor, sad, innocent, suffering Chris Brown

Russell Simmons has opened his mighty tone-deaf mouth once again and put his foot right in it. The subject: Chris Brown. The gist: Everybody stop picking on Chris Brown. The logic: Because Chris Brown is an innocent young foal of a man being destroyed by fame, which, as everybody knows, is a ruthless, crushing prison dressed up as a life of privilege and riches.

Church! Brown’s straits have grown so dire that he’s had to part with his publicist. His publicist! Cripes, will Brown’s suffering never end? It’s almost as if someone grabbed Brown by the back of his neck and beat him with the dashboard of a rented Lamborghini!

The Simmons essay -- in the same way that a high school book report is technically an essay -- is just too rich to paraphrase. We’re going to have to parse this poetry. Here are some of our favorite excerpts:

"Chris is suffering from the same thing as almost every young star has gone through, including the Disney kids."

Absolutely. Because everybody remembers that time that Nick Jonas trashed the "Good Morning America" green room. Sorry, Russell. Please. Do continue.

"And because of that one regretful incident, no one will give him a break."

Right. That incident where he beat up Rihanna. Or maybe it was the incident where Brown referred to said beating as a “mishap.” Or maybe it was the incident when Brown made homophobic slurs on Twitter. Or maybe it was that incident where all the PAs at GMA had to dash for cover from the flying slivers of Brown-borne shrapnel. Because that one incident should not haunt a young man for the rest of his days.

"Chris Brown is suffering."

Well, yeah. Have you ever had your hair bleached? Hurts your scalp like a mother.

"I am troubled by the people, critics and members of the media who drag Chris away from his art. His freedom is deeply rooted in his artistic expression. It is during those seconds of stillness when you're dancing that the Christ/Buddha/Allah/Moses inside of you is awakened and comes to power."

Yeah, absolutely, like that time when -- wait, what?

"Coming back home is a very difficult thing. Coming back to being normal, coming back to that pure place of artistry."

You sure, Russell? Because the cracks that Brown left in the windows at the ABC TV studios are absolutely gorgeous. They’re like Jackson Pollock meets Banksy. Art is still alive and well within Chris. Promise.

"My heart and office door is always open to him."

Hey, that’s terrific. I just hope your office doesn’t have any windows.

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Photo: Chris Brown, left, and Russell Simmons attend the "F.A.M.E." album release dinner in New York City. Credit: Larry Busacca / Getty Images

Don't look now, but Kate Middleton just ate something

Kate Middleton is too fat! No, wait. She’s too thin. Actually, scratch that; she’s “curvy,” which is passive-aggressive press-speak for fat. But — whoa, hold on. Cor blimey, did you see that bird when she made an appearance in Northern Ireland recently? Middleton is gaunt. Gaunt!

The British press, never known for its subtlety, is having quite a high tea over the precise weight of its princess-to-be. The adjectives appearing immediately before Middleton’s name have ranged in recent weeks — the same set of weeks, mind you — from “curvy” to “willowy.”

Per the Mail Online: “Kate Middleton 'desperate to gain a dress size' as wedding pressure takes its toll.”

But over at Yahoo, the take is: “Kate Middleton Diets to Lose Weight Before April.”

And, oh, in case you were wondering: “Kate Middleton enjoys bags of Haribo ahead of wedding day.” Say, thanks, again, Daily Mail!

In wagging its tongue over Middleton’s palate, the English press is upholding a tradition as old beefeaters (OMG, is Middleton eating beef?! Can she do that? Will that make her fat?) and hedgerows. In the months leading to Diana Spencer’s wedding to Middleton’s future father-in-law, the press took great delight in reporting how many “stone” the lady lost before the big day; the process even earned its own nickname: Di-et.

After that royal wedding, it got only worse.

“Diana likes candies and has a tendency to put on weight,” UPI hissed in 1982.

It didn’t end with Diana, of course, who famously went on to battle bulimia before her death in a car accident in 1997. Sarah Ferguson faced just as much bodily scrutiny during the run-up to her 1986 wedding to Prince Andrew.

“Sarah is nothing,” the Courier-Mail sniffed, “if not hearty.”

All this talk, of course, applies only to the ladies of the Windsor royal house, not the gents. Of all the major, recent stories involving the British royal family, only one has mentioned a prince’s weight. The story was about Harry, not William, and it was in the context of Hal’s brave bid to explore the North Pole this month.

From the Press Association:

Logistics and training manager Henry Cookson said each member of the [exploration] team will be required to consume around 6,000 calories a day — three times the amount the average male consumes.

Between now and when they leave, they will be eating considerably more than usual with the aim of putting on more weight.

"It gives you insulation against the cold,'' Mr. Cookson said.

Well, yes. That "insulation" also, apparently, provides a nice buffer against the tabloids; none of them have mentioned anything about Harry’s efforts at bulking up.

Gee, is it just us, or is Will’s face looking a little “curvy” these days?

— Leslie Gornstein

Photos: Katherine Middleton. Credits (from left): Chris Jackson / Getty Images, Toby Melville / Reuters, Dylan Martinez / Reuters, Sang Tan / Associated Press.

 

We know what Charlie Sheen is going to do next -- really!

Between the tour, the trolls, the lawsuit, the custody drama, the fabulous array of exotic weaponry, the goddesses and the brand-new winning vocabulary, it's tough to stay ahead of Charlie Sheen news. Even Sheen seems to have trouble keeping up with himself; his Twitter feed, which boasts more than 2 million schadenfreude enthusiasts, is often old news by the time followers hit the refresh button.

But there is one group that seems to know what Sheen will do next, because it's their job. I do not speak of the cops — though, if they don’t have a Charlie Sheen unit set up by now, they might want to reconsider. No, I speak of the Las Vegas bookmakers, who have been busy crunching the odds on Sheen’s future for the benefit of gamblers. Just in case, you know, the slots at the Bellagio no longer amuse.

Apparently, Sheen's future looks like this: He will get arrested, possibly — but not necessarily probably — at his new halfway home for prostitutes, where he will be resting between takes of his new sitcom while, perhaps, shaving his head. Oh: Unless he's getting arrested on a rape charge.

Not an exaggeration.

Per Bookmaker.com, which took time out of its frenetic March Madness work to run some numbers just for the Ministry, the odds looks like this:

Becoming a talk show host: 16.50% chance. Starting a prostitute halfway house: 16.50%. Shaving his head: 15.40%. Taking Hugh Hefner’s open spot as the face of Playboy: 20%. Getting arrested again: 50%. Starring on another sitcom: 66.70%.

All this before the end of the month, by the way. Place your bets now.

Oh: And hide the kids, hide the wife. So sayeth another oddsmaker, JustBet.com, which predicts that Sheen will face an arrest in his future, sooner rather than later. For what? Hey, glad you asked: A DUI tops the odds at 56%, followed by cocaine possession at 33% and then rape at 29%.

On the less likely side? Sheen might get caught for peeing on something he shouldn't; JustBet places the odds on an arrest for public urination at a mere 6%.

Duh: Winning!

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— Leslie Gornstein

Photo: Charlie Sheen. Credit: Frazer Harrison / Getty Images.

Just where does 4-year-old Suri Cruise's stylist find trendy pacifiers?

A new photo emerged this week of Suri Cruise, and, before you ask, yes, she was dressed better than you. The takeaway of the photo is this: Suri, apparently, likes to suck on a pacifier while surrounded by paparazzi. The daughter of Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise is also nearly 5. Those colliding facts sent bloggers into two equally obnoxious spirals: the breathless baby fetishist what-does-this-mean-for-the-future ballyhoo and the bemused mock-fashion-police analysis.

"Suri Accessorizes Lipstick With Pacifier at 4!" one headline shrieked.

"Her clothes have earned her a reputation as a little fashionista," Us Weekly snarked, "but Suri Cruise's latest accessory seems a few seasons old."

Day-care dreckitude, indeed.

Anyway, we called around to parenting experts to see if we should be crafting our own hysterical blog about this issue. The answer? Sorta. I guess.

"Most parents of 5-year-olds would be embarrassed to have their child seen in public sucking a pacifier because of well-known health and dental health concerns," says Julie Hanks of Wasatch Family Therapy. "Either Katie isn't aware or she doesn't care what people think."

Hanks did note that binkies do tend to emerge in young children during times of stress. And, while, yes, age 4 may be too old for a pacifier, being shutterbugged by a stranger probably isn't the most relaxing way for a pre-kindergartner to spend an afternoon.

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— Leslie Gornstein

Photo: A collection of pacifiers, none of them likely to be in the possession of the Cruise household. Credit: Los Angeles Times

PREACH IT! Kate Middleton and Audrina Patridge are the same person

Kate Middleton and Audrina Patridge are the same person.

Well, OK, no they're not. But has anyone seen both of them in the same room together? Exactly. And until we do, we are running with this crazy conspiracy theory until one or both of these ladies' lawyers tell us not to.

After all, the future queen of England and the reality-TV star share strikingly similar features, including long brown hair, toothy grins, elusive upper lips and large, widely spaced eyes. Plus: Nobody can say for certain exactly what either of these women does for a living.

Yes, one gal is supposedly British. And one is also allegedly shorter -- Audrina's at 5 feet 8 inches, Kate's closer to 5 feet 10 -- but we shall withhold a final report until these two people prove, once and for all, that they are not each other.

Still not convinced? Well, OK. Let's see how you do with a pop quiz:

One of these two was once a photographer. The other used to work at a photo studio. And you have no idea which person matches which job, do you? Touche! Point for us, we say! And now we’ll tell you: Middleton was the photographer. She took catalog pics for her parents' mail-order toy company. Audrina had a job answering the phones at Smashbox.

And now, back to ironing the creases out of our tinfoil hats.

Carry on.

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Prince William, Kate Middleton are engaged [pictures]

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-- Leslie Gornstein

Photos: We have no idea who these women are -- or should we say, no idea who this WOMAN is? Credits, from left: Gareth Cattermole / Getty Images; Katy Winn / Associated Press; Chris Jackson / Getty Images; Alberto E. Rodriguez / Getty Images.