Must Amy Winehouse be crowded into the '27 Club'?

Because we cannot speak about a celebrity's death without inventing some sort of trend, let's take a second to deal with Amy Winehouse and the so-called 27 Club.

Just hours after the tragic demise of the vocal powerhouse, entertainment outlets settled on their preferred angle: Winehouse was 27. Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain and a slew of other artists also died at 27, many of them from conditions related to drugs or alcohol. (Joplin died of a probable heroin overdose, heroin-user Cobain's death was a suicide, and Hendrix's autopsy concluded that he drowned in vomit after pairing sleeping pills with wine.)

So. All this 27 business must mean something, sayeth the laws of entertainment journalism. The dreaded Return of Saturn has been suggested -- that span between ages 27 and 30 that astrologists say marks a time of developmental tumult as the planet returns to the angle it occupied at the person's birth.

Addiction specialists, however, have a slightly earthier take on the 27 Club.

"If there is a connection, it's developmental," says Dr. Paul Hokemeyer, an addiction specialist with Caron Treatment Centers in Manhattan. "Prior to our 30s, people really don't have a sense of their own mortality, and they're still reckless and aren't able to really, fully appreciate their vulnerabilities.”

That goes double for stars, "because they’re given their sense of immortality by fame; people worship them and turn them into gods and goddesses."

OK, so age certainly explains a part of the 27 Club phenomenon -- if there really is one -- but not all of it. The other factor is the human body itself, Hokemeyer says.

For the record, we do not yet know exactly how Winehouse died, only that she battled major addictions to drugs and alcohol, as well as mental health problems (depression) and respiratory ailments. However, Hokemeyer says that for addicts, the late 20s bring a host of new ailments and complications.

"Cocaine users start to have heart issues," Hokemeyer explains. "For alcoholics, the impact is on the liver. It loses its ability to process the alcohol. It may take someone days or weeks to recover [from using], compared to a few hours."

And finally, Hokemeyer says, people in their late 20s, particularly men and especially addicts, tend to be at the highest risk of suicide.

"If you look at the highest-risk group for suicides, it's males in that age range who are substance abusers,” Hokemeyer tells the Ministry.

"They have poor impulse control, and the alcohol and drugs interfere with that, basically make them step on the gas and hold off on the brakes. It's an issue of compulsivity and lack of judgment."

So maybe there is something to the idea that 27 is a dangerous age for troubled artists. Let's just hope that this club is now, finally, closed for membership.

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-- Leslie Gornstein

Photo: Amy Winehouse onstage in Spain in July 2008. Credit: Juan Medina / Reuters

A Justin Bieber wedding crash is just that much more special, no?

Justin Bieber, wedding crasher? Impossible, unlikely, irritating -- you decide.

Say, for the sake of argument, that you're having a wedding in Malibu. (Of course, then, you're not reading this blog yourself. That's what assistants are for, silly!) You've shelled out the $30,000 required for the inevitable fireworks, you've bought the air space above your estate to make sure no paparazzi helicopters fly over your event (because that’s what Jennifer Aniston did when she married Brad Pitt, and it sounded like a cute thing to do), and Vera Wang has dropped off the strapless, white floor-length but still totally unique gown.

The Big Day arrives. You say your "I do's." Everybody cheers, including the roughly 40 of your 200 guests whom you've never, really, technically, met. The music cranks up: It's a karaoke version of Bieber's "One Less Lonely Girl."

At the very moment when this song is tearin' up your bash, Bieber himself happens to be walking by on the beach. He hears the song. Lo! The natives are clearly praying for his intervention in some grave matter, and he must intercede immediately! He has no wedding invite, of course, but he does have a publicist, and that trumps an invite, in Malibu at least. So and his plus-one, girlfriend Selena Gomez, just walk in.

Why are we posing this scenario? Because it happened! And it was glorious! Granted, we can't say for sure whether there were fireworks or a Vera Wang gown, but there was a Bieber all right. Per TMZ: “We're told Justin snuck up on some guests -- who predictably OMG'd and LOL'd -- and then hopped on the mic, saying, 'We just crashed it. We heard a party so we decided to just come. So let's party.'"

Bieber then reportedly blew the minds of these undeserving hobbits for another 10, photo op-filled minutes before leaving everyone a little more special than they were before.

There is no record of Bieber bringing a gift. Then again, just being with Bieber for more than three minutes is a gift to everybody.

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-- Leslie Gornstein

Photo: Justin Bieber performs in Manila -- no, not Malibu -- in May. Credit: Reuters

With the newest Beckham baby name, a brief moment of hope for normalcy

David and Victoria Beckham have a new baby. Given that this is Posh Spice's infant we're talking about, the bambina probably has her own line of skinny denim by now, but that could not be confirmed at press time. What we do know is this: The baby has a name that's almost normal. Almost.

The first name, we have learned, is Harper. With all due respect to the creator of Scout Finch, as well as women who currently bear this name, Harper is only sort of obnoxious -- moderately chafing, as celebrity names go.

(By contrast, recall the all-out preciousness we suffered under the naming of the other Beckham children, Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz; not to mention Gwyneth Paltrow's kids, Apple and Moses; Pink's new daughter Willow; Natalie Portman's baby son Aleph; as well as less recent tot monikers such as Peaches Geldof, Kal-El Coppola and, natch, those of the Jolie-Pitt brood, aka Those Who Shall Not Be Uttered Lest We Drown in All That Specialness.)

When we at the Ministry learned that the new Beckham baby was named Harper -- as opposed to Delphinium or Flypaper or Muse -- a bit of hope rose in our gnarled hearts. Maybe, we supposed, this was the signal of some new era in celebrity baby names. Maybe this next wave of celebrity spawn will spare us from all the twee, and bathe us in soothing monikers such as John or Hope or Fabio.

Then we saw Harper's middle name. It is Seven.

So much for moderation.

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-- Leslie Gornstein

Photo: Victoria Beckham, with cleverly named sons Romeo, left, and Cruz and ordinary-named hubby David Beckham in October 2009. Credit: Andrew Gombert / European Pressphoto Agency

 

Anna Faris cuts her hair, joins elite pixie squadron of fearless femmes

Yet another starlet, Anna Faris, has hacked off her hair and ventured out, naked-necked, into Hollywood. Let's not underplay the magnitude of the situation. Around here, an actress undergoing a pixie cut is the high-fash equivalent of Harry Houdini's Chinese Water Torture Cell Escape. Will she pull it off? Will she? Will she?

At any given time on planet Earth, exactly four women can pull off a pixie cut. Audrey Hepburn, after all, was built like a elf from "Dragon Age 2." And Mia Farrow got away with it because she has cheekbones on her cheekbones. There are two reasons why people still refer to that cut as the "Rosemary's Baby": One, Farrow wore the cut in a film by that name. Two, just thinking about getting a pixie cut is terrifying.

So why are so many actresses doing it? Faris isn't alone. Michelle Williams, Emma Watson, Mia Wasikowska, Keira Knightley, Carey Mulligan, Elisha Cuthbert, Ginnifer Goodwin -- not to mention, in her own heyday, Halle Berry -- have gone nearly naked from the neck up in recent years. (Yes, we did say that only four women on the planet can pull off this cut at any given time. We'll let you figure out which actresses don't make the, um, cut.)

If you suspect that such a choice doesn't come easily and that there may in fact be a small conspiracy of people involved, you are correct.

Turns out, the gravity of the pixie cut has never been lost on Hollywood's most powerful suits. When a rising actress suddenly shaves her locks, the choice, likely, wasn't so sudden.

"Often it's a discussion between the talent, her agent, her publicist and manager," explains Prive salon's Carla Gentile, who maintains pop star Robyn's short locks. "They all agree that it's time to make a change.

"They might call you on the phone first to discuss it or even come in for the haircut and go over what we are trying to achieve first."

And that change isn't always for the benefit of the next director. Yes, Faris did it because she had to, for the upcoming film "The Dictator," costarring Sacha Baron Cohen. But that's not always the case. Sometimes there isn't even a gig at stake but rather a different kind of prize.

"The fashion press is always looking for the next new young look, someone who is not afraid to take that chance," Gentile points out. "It can be such an amazing transformation. It can show off an actress's whole form: face shape, eyes, cheekbones."

Ergo, when Watson finally went pixie after wrapping the final "Harry Potter" film, those scissor snips were heard 'round the world.

Maybe that's why Gentile oftentimes has company when she is giving a pixie cut?

"It can be a really intense experience for everyone," Gentile notes, "because maybe you even have the agent or publicist in there when the cut is happening. They may stop in and leave, or come back.

"But it just shows it's really a huge transformation. We rely on the hair to give us our sex appeal, and when you remove it all, that really leaves just the person you are. You're exposed."

Or, really, maybe the word is "covered." After all, didn't we just give more press to every single one of these actresses?

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— Leslie Gornstein

Photos: Will Anna Faris, shown at left in the movie "Ally," have what it takes to pull off the pixie haircut? Fellow pixie-power starlet Emma Watson might know. Credits: Claire Folger / 20th Century Fox, left; Valerie Macon / Agence France-Press / Getty Images, right.

Pink and Carey Hart show off new baby; picture looks oddly familiar

Singer Pink and husband Carey Hart have released their first baby picture — of, you know, their first baby.

It's clear after viewing this photo that the couple have mastered Principle No. 1 of Celebrity Baby Portraits: Beaming broadly, as if they've each gotten a full night’s sleep. Which they have not.

However, the couple have yet to remember Principle No. 2: Gazing down at said baby with Virgin Mary-style adoration. We're sure the Harts will remember to do that when they have their second child.

The Hart baby is cute and everything, but, like every baby of that age, little Willow Sage (no comment) doesn't look like her parents. Willow Sage, of course, looks like Winston Churchill. This is not meant as an insult. It's meant as science. Every single baby on this planet is born looking like a bald gentleman whose top hat went missing during the last Blitz. And yet celebrity media fight for these first baby photos — fight for them so fiercely that Pink recently accused the paparazzi of "harassing" and "stalking" the new family.

We here at the Ministry could not understand why these first baby photos — which routinely fetch between $10,000 and $1 million — are so sought after, given that, as we have established, every baby looks the same.

So we asked someone who would know.

"Everybody just loves to see a new baby," says Mark Pasetsky, former managing editor of OK! magazine. "How many times do you get to see a celebrity with her first baby for the first time? It may not be the most descriptive photo, but it's special for her and her fans."

So let's see if we understand this correctly: It's the when, not the what. People don't want to see famous baby photos to see the famous baby. They want to see the specialness of it all.

Fair enough, we guess. But we would've given Pink more credit if that baby had been wearing a top hat and toy cigar.

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— Leslie Gornstein

Photos: Pink, left, and Carey Hart, right, have released the first picture of their baby — who is not shown, center. Credits: Larry Busacca /  Getty Images, left; Joe O'Donnell / The Arts Co., center; Danny Moloshok / Reuters, right.

Why 'The Hobbit' superfans should let Evangeline Lilly into their treehouse

Peter Jackson has inserted a new character into his upcoming "The Hobbit" two-parter -- a character that J.R.R. Tolkien did not write. Repeat: Peter Jackson is messing with the sacred texts. Again. This time, it's via "Lost" star Evangeline Lilly, who shall don the pointy ears and become a new woodland elf named Tauriel.

Judas! It’s only a matter of time before armies of dweebs ball up their disapproval into fiery wads of nerd rage and catapult their ire into the blogosphere. After all, when Jackson announced the creative casting of Saoirse Ronan as another made-up elven character earlier this year, talk among the superfans grew dire.

"To Hobbit purists, this is grave news," Hobbit Central intoned.

But according to academics who have studied Tolkien -- yes, there are those -- purists may wish to step away from their keyboards and let the tar cool. Movies and books are different animals; readers and viewers have different demands. (Translated into superfan-speak: Storytelling in a novel versus storytelling in a film is like, er, the Teleri versus the Noldor. They're both elves, but it goes without saying that a sea elf is nothing like a deep elf.)

In truth, the elves of "The Hobbit" novel don't have much to say. They capture our heroes, who later escape. The elves also go to war, but otherwise we know little to nothing about them on the written page. So is it really any surprise that Jackson has created a new elf to bridge a few gaps in the movie adaptation?

"The wood elves in 'The Hobbit' are pretty underdeveloped," notes Corey Olsen, a Washington College educator who has a website called  The Tolkien Professor. "The only elf who has much of a role is the king, and he's not even named.

"It doesn't surprise me that Peter Jackson would want to invest at least one or two elves with more character, because they are pretty faceless in the book," Olsen explains.

So, superfans: Stay thy rage! After all, the rest of the casting is pretty amazing: Sherlock Holmes as Smaug, anyone?

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-- Leslie Gornstein

Photo: Evangeline Lilly as Kate in "Lost." Credit: Art Streiber / ABC

Kanye West keeping his mouth shut? It's much less fun

Have you heard the latest about Kanye West? Well, no, you couldn't have, because the news about Kanye West is his silence.

It appears that the loudest mouth in hip-hop -- and that is saying something -- is trying something new: Not talking. At all. Not tweeting, not taking questions on red carpets, not even speaking during officially arranged interviews.

For a man who loves the sound of his own voice -- to the point where he interrupts other celebrities during their award show speeches -- this is uncharted territory.

The Great Silence of 2011 actually began last November, soon after West met with Matt Lauer for an interview on "Today." The interview, let’s just say, got contentious. The heat later spilled over into Twitter, with West piling up his signature exclamation points of outrage. ("Everything sounds like noise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVERYTHING SOUNDS LIKE NOISE!!!!!!!! I don't trust anyone!")

Then after the noise -- nothing. Well, almost nothing. It took awhile for West to wind down his Twitter account, but wind it down he eventually did. He has been silent on that medium since March, and on red carpets too. During an appearance at the CDFA Awards on Monday, West talked to other celebrities on the carpet, but not the media. Unless it was to tell the media that he wasn’t telling.

"Sorry,” he told E! Online, shaking his head. “I don't do interviews."

And back in January, there was the silent interview. Yes, really. At a reception featuring artist George Condo, who did the album art for West's "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy," West emerged to stand by the artist’s side. New York  magazine tried asking the rapper a few questions. An elegant kabuki dance of an interview ensued.

We here at the Ministry aren't sure how long West can keep this up without dissolving into a couture-clad puddle of despair. (West is nothing if not well-dressed.) After all, just this week the guy put out a new video almost custom-built for the morning talk-show circuit: chainsaws, decapitated models, the whole nine. And yet, all we've gotten is a disclaimer at the front of the video, saying that the piece should be judged as art, nothing more.

We're not betting people, but we'd wager our favorite Celine blouse that Mount Kanye erupts sooner rather than later. What fun is he otherwise?

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-- Leslie Gornstein

Photo: Kanye West at the CFDA Fashion Awards. Credit: Andrew H. Walker / Getty Images

 

Just try saying goodbye to Oprah Winfrey; she'll find you

By now we have had plenty of time to mourn Oprah Winfrey. Thanks to Winfrey’s network, OWN, we have been sitting a yearlong shiva, watching the Christ-like Last Days through a show called "Oprah Behind the Scenes." We’ve also witnessed celebrity after celebrity make their pilgrim’s progress to Chicago to tell Oprah how she’s brightened the lives of millions. (Because if there’s anyone who reflects the will of the people, it’s Madonna.) And traditional newspapers are already going on about Oprah as if she’s no longer alive. (“The Oprah Winfrey age comes to an end,” the Daily Mail keened.)

What we haven’t really had is a reality check: This woman isn’t going anyplace — at least, anyplace where a camera can’t find her. She is barred from returning to a talk show until 2012, but that’s exactly what she plans to do once January comes. "Oprah's Next Chapter" is expected to feature footage with the megastar roughly three times a week. No, that’s not a daily dose of feel-good-yes-I-can-isms, but it’s a schedule that leaves Oprah plenty of opportunities to remind us about what soap she prefers or how chummy she is with Jennifer Aniston.

In the meantime, Winfrey isn’t exactly shying away from celebrity, either. (There is no way that a person who shares her camping trips with the planet is ever, ever going to abandon life in front of a camera.) In September, Winfrey’s broadcast contract frees OWN to present vintage Oprah episodes, and the network has said it plans to do so, including 60 with new intros featuring Winfrey herself.

Oprah has said she wants to leave behind the grind of a daily TV talk show. That we can believe. But we here at MOG will bet you dollars to doughnuts (if not Sprinkles cupcakes — thanks for the recommendation, Oprah!) that the billionaire will be on her deathbed before she ever, truly, steps down. Her daily talk show may be at an end, but the Oprah Winfrey Age will go on for as long as Oprah needs to talk about herself and her friends in front of a lens. And that day is a long, long way off.

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— Leslie Gornstein

Photo: Oprah Winfrey in January. Credit: Chris Pizzello / Associated Press.

Hey Charlie Sheen, how's that whole image rehab thing working out?

As much as we loathe giving Charlie Sheen more ink -- or whatever the electronic equivalent is -- well, here we go. In recent days, Sheen has decided to aim his violent torpedo at something other than Chuck Lorre. Sheen's new targets? Homelessness, poverty and -- violence. Yes, really.

The actor's new charity, Sheen's Korner, recently announced plans to throw money at Bryan Stow, the San Francisco Giants fan who was beaten into a coma outside of Dodger Stadium on opening day. Sheen is also giving away signed baseballs in exchange for donations of $100 or more toward the victims of the Alabama tornadoes.

Lastly, Sheen's made some noise about raising cash for bipolar awareness, providing -- after a little nudging -- more than $5,000 for the Organization for Bipolar Affective Disorders.

So! Altogether now! Who's impressed?

"Too little, too late," sniffs Bretton Holmes, a crisis PR guy who recently represented Laurel Kagay, an ex of "The Bachelor" contestant Brad Womack. "A sure sign of desperation on his part."

"Fruitless," echoes BJ Coleman, a publicist whose client roster has included Naomi "Run! She's Got a Cellphone!" Campbell. "Sheen needs to directly address his pending issues with his fan base and take ownership for any personal problems he may facing and deal with them."

Ouch. But what about The People? They must appreciate the effort. Right?

"We've seen in the past two weeks someone whose reputation is damaged and continuing to spiral out of control," says Kenneth C. Wisnefski, founder and chief executive at WebiMax, a reputation management company specializing in social media. "There is simply no monitoring or control in place that can stop his down-falling reputation."

Well! We know someone who won't be getting a signed baseball anytime soon.

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-- Leslie Gornstein

Photo: Charlie Sheen. Credit: Rick Wilking / Reuters

Miley Cyrus covers Nirvana's 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' -- dare to take a whiff? [Video] [Poll]

 

We have spoken in the past about things that cannot be unseen. Miley Cyrus' recent choice in live concert material — "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana — may fall under this Lovecraftian category.

We cannot say for certain, however, because we haven't been brave enough to watch this entire clip, which features Cyrus covering the grunge classic for an audience in Ecuador.

Full disclosure: We fear that looking directly upon Miley Cyrus singing Nirvana might turn us to stone.

Until we can get our trembling hands on a camera obscura, infection-control glasses or some other protection, we shall refrain from speaking on this any further. But if you're braver than we are -- and there's a good chance you are -- clap your rock-hard eyeballs on this video.

Then let us know what you think.

 

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-- Leslie Gornstein