For those of you who cannot go for a single day without reading about a celebrity baby, here's your fix: "Mad Men" costar January Jones has had her infant, the birth certificate has been released — and the document definitely belongs in our very special Department of Mysterious Mysteries!
For, lo! There is no baby daddy cited!
Unlike most celebrities, who cannot wait to sell out their first family photo — you know, the one with with mommy and daddy hovering adoringly like Mary and Joseph on a Mexican prayer candle — Jones has bucked all trends.
She has never named the father of her son. She has not pimped an official photo of little Xander; heck, she hasn’t even issued the usual pap about being "over the moon." If we didn’t know any better, we'd say Jones is almost classy.
She might be classy. But we here at the Ministry of Gossip are not. By omitting the name of her baby daddy, she has given us a fresh reason to sling baseless speculations about who begat this stealthy, stealthy baby.
For the record, it appears that Jones hasn't shagged anybody named Xander in the past year, which makes our gossipmongering all the more difficult. But here are the names that have been bandied about, plus a few extra that haven't been but should be.
1. Jason Sudeikis: The "SNL" star publicly dated Jones from July 2010 to early this year. When a Washington Post reporter requested a comment from him about the Jones pregnancy, he babbled, "I'd rather — yes but no."
2. The Piv: Jones and Jeremy Piven, "Entourage" star, were linked in the tabloids circa January 2010. And, look, here’s a photo of the two of them standing totally near each other.
3. Pete Campbell: Didn't he knock up Peggy Olson on "Mad Men" in, like, a single episode? What's that you say? He's a fictional character on a TV drama? What's your point?
4. Matthew Vaughn: Like Sudeikis, Vaughn reportedly has distanced himself from the Jones pregnancy, which is wise, because the "X-Men: First Class" director is married to a very hot meal ticket named Claudia Schiffer. Then again, the "X" in Xander really isn't doing anything but fanning the gossip flames. And speaking of X ...
5. Jones recently costarred in a movie with a guy named Xander Berkeley. Let the irresponsible tongue-wagging commence.
6. Adrien Brody: He and Jones maybe dated for a minute.
7. Anonymous Donor No. 19450110: According to gossips, a big reason behind the Sudeikis-Jones split was the actress' desire for a baby. And you can buy sperm, you know.
— Leslie Gornstein
Photo: January Jones at the "X-Men: First Class" premiere in New York on May 25. Credit: Stephen Lovekin / Getty Images.