Tiger Woods has spoken out. Sort of. In a long, sort of vague statement on his website.
But the Ministry figures that on the Tiger scale of self-revelation, the statement this morning is the equivalent of standing on the 18th green in front of a hushed crowd and screaming, screaming, screaming.
Wonder if he can shout down the sound of this voicemail message? Yeah, turns out the official statement isn't the only place he's spoken out. (When the Ministry heard the Jaimee Grubbs recording at USMagazine.com it felt like a gut punch, so if you really dig Tiger and want to respect his privacy, just pretend it's not out there. There are some things you can't unhear.)
Some excerpts from Woods' statement:
"I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of
my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family
deserves. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect."
Given the fact that David Letterman's first mea culpa backfired on him a bit, when audiences initially thought he was joking, Tiger's controlled approach makes sense. Then again, Letterman is used to delivering a monologue, and Tiger is used to walking down the fairway on a Sunday when the odds are against him, summoning his concentration and often pulling off the impossible.
And this does make life easier for Golf Digest, given the content of its January cover featuring Woods and President Obama.
"Although I am a well-known person and have made my career as a
professional athlete, I have been dismayed to realize the full extent
of what tabloid scrutiny really means. ... The stories in particular that physical violence played any role in the
car accident were utterly false and malicious. Elin has always done
more to support our family and shown more grace than anyone could
Sorry, dude. You might've thought you could buy your Privacy -- but this is how the world is for the rest of us. It's just exponentially louder for you because nobody knows who the rest of us are. And Tiger? Don't be super shocked when your statement -- which the Ministry thinks is just fine -- doesn't make everyone else shut up.
"Personal sins should not require press releases and problems within a family shouldn't have to mean public confessions."
No, they shouldn't. Unless, of course, you're the most famous athlete in the world -- and one who to this point has appeared to be perfect -- in which case you have to meet the world halfway.
"I will strive to be a better person and the husband and father that
my family deserves. For all of those who have supported me over the
years, I offer my profound apology."
Tiger seems to have figured out his only way to take this match. America loves to forgive.
Today he's got his red shirt on. For the win.
-- Christie D'Zurilla
Photo: Tiger gets his red shirt on during the Australian Masters last month. He won. Credit: Andrew Brownbill / Associated Press.
The story thus far, courtesy of the Ministry of Gossip:
A ticket for Tiger Woods, another attorney and another 'other woman,' Jaimee Grubbs?
PREACH IT! Hey Tiger? Gonna take a Big Bertha to your plea for privacy
IT! And Leslie Looked Upon the Ministry Readers, and She Saw That She
Was Good (an introduction to Ms. Gornstein and her mission)
'Overwhelmed' Rachel Uchitel hires celebrity attorney Gloria Allred
Tiger Woods' charmed life may be feeling the squeeze
Tiger Woods says 'all my fault,' praises wife, hires attorney
Tiger Woods, his wife, that odd little car accident -- and Rachel Uchitel
Tiger Woods slightly injured in accident near his home