Singer Pink and husband Carey Hart have released their first baby picture — of, you know, their first baby.
It's clear after viewing this photo that the couple have mastered Principle No. 1 of Celebrity Baby Portraits: Beaming broadly, as if they've each gotten a full night’s sleep. Which they have not.
However, the couple have yet to remember Principle No. 2: Gazing down at said baby with Virgin Mary-style adoration. We're sure the Harts will remember to do that when they have their second child.
The Hart baby is cute and everything, but, like every baby of that age, little Willow Sage (no comment) doesn't look like her parents. Willow Sage, of course, looks like Winston Churchill. This is not meant as an insult. It's meant as science. Every single baby on this planet is born looking like a bald gentleman whose top hat went missing during the last Blitz. And yet celebrity media fight for these first baby photos — fight for them so fiercely that Pink recently accused the paparazzi of "harassing" and "stalking" the new family.
We here at the Ministry could not understand why these first baby photos — which routinely fetch between $10,000 and $1 million — are so sought after, given that, as we have established, every baby looks the same.
So we asked someone who would know.
"Everybody just loves to see a new baby," says Mark Pasetsky, former managing editor of OK! magazine. "How many times do you get to see a celebrity with her first baby for the first time? It may not be the most descriptive photo, but it's special for her and her fans."
So let's see if we understand this correctly: It's the when, not the what. People don't want to see famous baby photos to see the famous baby. They want to see the specialness of it all.
Fair enough, we guess. But we would've given Pink more credit if that baby had been wearing a top hat and toy cigar.
— Leslie Gornstein
Photos: Pink, left, and Carey Hart, right, have released the first picture of their baby — who is not shown, center. Credits: Larry Busacca / Getty Images, left; Joe O'Donnell / The Arts Co., center; Danny Moloshok / Reuters, right.