David and Victoria Beckham have a new baby. Given that this is Posh Spice's infant we're talking about, the bambina probably has her own line of skinny denim by now, but that could not be confirmed at press time. What we do know is this: The baby has a name that's almost normal. Almost.
The first name, we have learned, is Harper. With all due respect to the creator of Scout Finch, as well as women who currently bear this name, Harper is only sort of obnoxious -- moderately chafing, as celebrity names go.
(By contrast, recall the all-out preciousness we suffered under the naming of the other Beckham children, Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz; not to mention Gwyneth Paltrow's kids, Apple and Moses; Pink's new daughter Willow; Natalie Portman's baby son Aleph; as well as less recent tot monikers such as Peaches Geldof, Kal-El Coppola and, natch, those of the Jolie-Pitt brood, aka Those Who Shall Not Be Uttered Lest We Drown in All That Specialness.)
When we at the Ministry learned that the new Beckham baby was named Harper -- as opposed to Delphinium or Flypaper or Muse -- a bit of hope rose in our gnarled hearts. Maybe, we supposed, this was the signal of some new era in celebrity baby names. Maybe this next wave of celebrity spawn will spare us from all the twee, and bathe us in soothing monikers such as John or Hope or Fabio.
Then we saw Harper's middle name. It is Seven.
So much for moderation.
-- Leslie Gornstein
Photo: Victoria Beckham, with cleverly named sons Romeo, left, and Cruz and ordinary-named hubby David Beckham in October 2009. Credit: Andrew Gombert / European Pressphoto Agency