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PREACH IT! Admit it: The Boreanaz-Uchitel dust-up is more entertaining than 'Lost'

May 13, 2010 |  4:18 pm

David-boreanaz-web Rachel Uchitel and David Boreanaz: It is so on!

Not the affair, I mean; that’s apparently over. But that’s not really the entertaining stuff anyway. Any decent gossip reporter knows that -- well, OK, an unfaithful-celebrity scandal is always mildly fun, but the fallout from said scandal is where the real juice lies: the lawyering up, the inevitable leaked texts, the train-wreck press conferences, the stratospheric cash settlements, the kaleidoscopic parade of candy-like tattoos, the bobbing, weaving statements about how I-so-didn’t-text-that-but-well-OK-I-kinda-did-but-he-hit-on-ME-FIRST.

The back-and-forth can be convoluted, but at least it's commercial-free, and we're not all sitting around scratching our heads about how some dude can crawl into a golden hole and come out as a smoke monster.

Anyway. Back to Uchitel and Boreanaz. Here’s a primer, for those of you trying to follow without a scorecard. Yes, that’s the same Rachel Uchitel who apparently got it on with Tiger Woods. But before Tiger hit that tree, there was word Uchitel apparently spent some alone time with Angel.

Rachel-uchitel-web Somehow -- magically and mysteriously -- the Uchitel-Boreanaz affair surfaced. Then Boreanaz put out the requisite statements indicating that (a) yep, he cheated and (b) he still loves his wife and (c) yadda yadda yadda.

Next, some supposedly authentic texts between Uchitel and Boreanaz emerged. They make Boreanaz appear torn and Uchitel look all kinds of clingy.

In one exchange, Uchitel tells Boreanaz that she can’t make it to Los Angeles to see Boreanaz, and why doesn’t he come to New York and hang out there instead. She allegedly writes, "I need you here so we can be together."

Boreanaz, whose wife was pregnant at the time of the correspondence, responds, "This is not a good time." Uchitel texts back, “I can’t do this anymore … Just go.”

Fun stuff. Well played, all. But, turns out, the most righteous installment of this whole hot mess was yet to be revealed. Through her attorney, Gloria Allred, Uchitel has now released a statement. Take a look. Parsing the hidden meanings can provide hours of semi-wholesome entertainment for the whole family.

"I did not intend to make any statements about David Boreanaz and our ...

... relationship,” Uchitel says. “However, given the fact that texts were published this morning over my objection that were not authentic, taken completely out of context or incomplete, I feel compelled to address the false picture that has been portrayed.”

So wait. The texts weren’t real. Or maybe they were real but they were taken out of context. Or, wait, maybe they kind of were in context, but they just were too short. Take your pick.

“For reasons unknown to me I believe that someone is deliberately trying to portray me in a false light,” Uchitel continues. “These texts should not have been published. I am in possession of many authentic text messages between David and myself which portray a completely different picture than the one based upon the texts that have been published today.”

In other words, Uchitel has some more texts, and they’re for sale. Do we have any bidders?

“First of all,” Uchitel also insists, “I want to make it clear that he pursued me. Second, the authentic texts which I have reveal that David Boreanaz repeatedly expressed his deep love and affection towards me. Third, I broke off the relationship because I no longer respected or trusted him. Finally, I am deeply hurt and offended that anyone would think that I wanted to break up his family. Nothing could be further from the truth."

So is this whole fight over? Of course not.

And do we really want it to be? Of course not.

-- Leslie Gornstein

Top photo: David Boreanaz arrives at the Emmy Awards in L.A. on Sept. 20, 2009. Credits: Jay Clendenin / Los Angeles Times

Bottom photo: Rachel Uchitel arrives at Perez Hilton's birthday party in L. A. on March 27. Credit: Katy Winn / Associated Press

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