Paparazzo's sex-furniture business far more intriguing than his lawsuit against Sean Penn
What else does a celebrity photographer need besides a long-lens camera, a trusty vehicle and the fight-or-flight instincts of a rhino? "A sex-toy and sex-furniture business on the side" would not be our first answer -- mostly because until about an hour ago, we didn't officially know that "sex furniture" existed.
We'd simply not poked sufficiently into the affairs of one Jordan Dawes.
Dawes is the photographer -- nay, the "Photographer, Filmmaker, Artist, and Hellraiser" -- who, TMZ reports, just filed a lawsuit against Sean Penn, alleging that while he was shooting a documentary about paparazzi, he was attacked and threatened by the actor. Death threats, Dawes is alleging. Like, "the next time I see you, you will be in a box."
Doesn't Dawes know that for Penn, wishing death upon those who cross him is just, like, conversation?
The incident happened in October, and TMZ reported in February that Penn had been charged with misdemeanor battery and vandalism -- Dawes says Penn broke his camera. The maximum penalty if Penn were convicted on both counts would be 18 months in jail.
But back to the sex furniture -- because really, Sean Penn tangling with a paparazzo is kinda BTDT news.
We quote directly from Dawes' other website, to which, for family-friendly reasons, we cannot link:
"Only one who can use [the sex furniture] day in and day out can understand the beauty of its simplicity and design as we all grow to learn the comfort and positioning benefits it provides. There are numerous (hundreds) positions and counting and many varibale [sic] uses that the Bonk'er Classic and Bonk'er Extreme can assist with. That is just plain fun, thinking about what has yet to be thought of and applications on how to use these wonderful devices."
Suffice to say, this "furniture" would not pass for, say, furniture. Even IKEA furniture. It's more like what would happen if a seat-belt manufacturer and a sheep-herding supply store decided to share space at a Chatsworth strip mall.
Perhaps that explains the "just a freak in sheep's clothing" self-description on his YouTube channel.
According to his business' website, chief executive Dawes invented the "furniture" after a "painful soccer injury" required him to invent "a bedroom device" to keep his leg elevated while he was in a hip-to-heel cast. Thank heavens his girlfriend came to visit, because the moment she did, he of course was inspired to adapt his "homemade traction device" in such a way that it was a source of sexual gratification as well as future income.
Oh, yeah, there's also a G-rated version of the equipment available on a different website -- described alternatively as "a graceful shaped, trampoline-style footboard that can also double as a side rail to enhance the usability of a bed. Basing off of leverage, ABedderFit creates many positions that allow for stretching, core fitness and stability."
No word on what technique Dawes used to heal after the knee surgery he alleged was necessary after his run-in with Penn.
-- Christie D'Zurilla
Photo: Sean Penn did not, to our knowledge, clash with anyone Feb. 16 at AARP's ninth annual Movies for Grownups Awards in Beverly Hills. Credit: Alberto E. Rodriguez / Getty Images.
Related dispatches from the Ministry of Gossip:
Maria Conchita Alonso goes off on Sean Penn for supporting Hugo Chavez
Jesse James and a paparazzo tangle -- and of course there's video
Sean Penn does Robert De Niro proud at AARP's Movies for Grownups Awards