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PREACH IT! Don't look directly at Kristen Stewart! You'll turn to sad!

March 18, 2010 |  5:53 pm
Kristentrio It would seem that spring has sprung! The sun is shining. Birds and squirrels are leaping around. Easter catalogs featuring pastel-colored pastry crimpers have arrived on our doorsteps.

And hey, look, it’s Kristen Stewart, out promoting her new movie, "The Runaways"! She’s turning toward the camera! She’s ...

Hey, what happened to the sun? Mr. Squirrel, why are you lying there so still and stiff? Can you hear us? Why is everything suddenly so gray and sad?

Kristen Stewart remains one of the few Hollywood megastars -- if not the only one -- who simply cannot, or will not, express happiness in being here. In general, her red carpet expressions tend to fall somewhere between utterly miserable and I-think-I’m-lost-can-anybody-point-me-to-the-Dashboard-Confessional-concert. And even the Oscars didn’t seem blow away Stewart’s custom-made shroud of misery.

Kristen trio2 We’ve dug far and wide in our Ministry of Gossip Department of Official-Looking Photos, seeking red carpet shots of a beaming Stewart, a poised Stewart, or even a just a Stewart who doesn’t look as if she wants to crawl into a soggy hole and cry. We found these instead.

We’ve heard the excuses from besotted fans: She’s just shy; she’s just that down-to-earth; she really, really doesn’t care about the Hollywood spin machine. And, to be fair, there’s also a whiff of sexism in wanting a starlet to merely sit still, follow the rules and smile pretty for America. We get all that, and good for her.

But not caring about the Hollywood spin machine doesn’t mean spitting into its cogs and sprockets either. There’s a balance. Right Mr. Squirrel? Uh, Mr. Squirrel?

-- Leslie Gornstein

Squirrel Photos: Mr. Squirrel, left, doesn't quite know what to think. He just knows the sky doesn't look quite as sunny as it did before he clicked. Up top, from left, Kristen Stewart at the Oscars, the New York premiere of "The Runaways" and the New York premiere of "Remember Me." Middle row, from left, KStew at the Hollywood premiere of "The Runaways," winning woman of the year at the Elle Style Awards, and winning the Orange Rising Star honor at the BAFTAs. Yay. Credits: top row, from left, by Chris Pizzello / Associated Press; Bryan Bedder / Getty Images; Michael Loccisano / Getty Images); middle row, from left, by Frazer Harrison / Getty Images); Gareth Cattermole / Getty Images; Ian Gavan / Getty Images; bottom photo of Mr. Squirrel by Myung J. Chun / Los Angeles Times.

Related dispatches from the Ministry of Gossip:

'The Runaways' gets its New York red carpet premiere

Kristen Stewart, Dakota Fanning debut 'The Runaways' in Hollywood

Jodie Foster wants to teach Kristen Stewart a thing or two

'New Moon' mistake: Chris Weitz on his biggest regret (it's an RPattz and KJStew scene!)

Start here and keep clicking for the Ministry's "5 Days of 'The Runaways'" coverage.