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PREACH IT! Who will save us from Tila Tequila? Or: Save the forest!

February 4, 2010 | 11:41 am

Tila Tequila2 For many a dark day, Tila Tequila ruled the Twitterverse with an iron feather boa. Any random thought of hers could be belched into the virgin air at any time, with no warning. Grapes withered on the vine. Children stopped growing. Millions suffered in silence.

Then, suddenly and in a flurry of bile, Tequila quit Twitter. The poisonous screeching that had stunted the trees stopped; the grass began to turn back to its natural green. All the gentle forest creatures timidly peeked out of their hidey-holes and began to sing in the treetops and bask in the sun once more, and where there were once only scorched black scars of earth, tender seedlings were seen popping up and making the world whole again.

Now she’s back.

“Well it looks like you failed to get me 1,000 followers within the time frame I asked,” she ranted last night. “So no BIG SECRE [sic] ANNOUNCEMENT FOR YOU TONIGHT!”

“I am going to sleep now, but when I wake up tomorrow, I [sic] better have at least 15K followers or else I'm not gonna tell you! So tell everyone!”

“You guys ALMOST made it! DAMN! SOOOO CLOSE to 1,000 people but you took too long! Sorry ... that's how this game works! U failed ur duty! =( “

That high-pitched squeaking sound you hear is the fawn population, dying en masse.

--Leslie Gornstein

Photo credit: Noel Vasquez / Getty Images

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Related dispatches from the Ministry of Gossip:

PREACH IT! Tila Tequila proves our point and then promises to leave us alone

Tila Tequila is pregnant or married or something?

Tila Tequila's publicist steps down

Tila Tequila engaged to heiress Casey Johnson, she says

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