PREACH IT! Unless you’re Chris Brown. In which case, don’t preach it. Be silent.

This article was originally on a blog post platform and may be missing photos, graphics or links. See About archive blog posts.

Hey, you know that whole scandal about Tiger Woods? Something about cheating on the wife, text messages, something something something? Yeah. Looks like the media have gotten that all wrong. And we had no idea of how terribly wrong we were until Chris Brown clued us in today. Apparently Brown’s violent crime and Woods’ cheating scandal are pretty much the same thing. And we reporters, somehow, missed that fact. During an interview on the radio show Mojo in the Morning, Brown put the Tiger Woods scandal in context for us.

“I know my fans gave me a second chance,” said the convicted Rihanna-beater, currently serving five years’ probation for the attack. “I think people always deserve a second chance.

“Whatever [Woods’] personal life is, and this goes for me and him, his personal life is his personal life. Nobody has the right to place judgment or make any judgment on anybody else’s personal life when they’re not directly involved with them.”

That goes for “me and him,” eh? OK. The you-can’t-judge-me argument could be made regarding Woods, because, hey, he didn’t beat anybody. He just cheated on his wife a lot.

But Chris, here’s news for you:

You committed a crime. A violent, inexcusable, cowardly crime against someone half your size. So, yeah, we do get to stand in judgment of you. In fact, we have, and you’re guilty. Now get back in your orange jumpsuit and make with the hard labor. It’s part of your sentence. You know, the one you got when we judged you.

-- Leslie Gornstein

Related dispatches from the Ministry of Gossip:

Kanye West, Chris Brown lend support for second-biggest crisis on EarthPREACH IT! Still think Chris Brown is repentant?

PREACH IT! Oh, just knock it off -- Charlie Sheen is *not* getting a free pass

PREACH IT! Chris Brown, fail whale, a.k.a. ‘Another star quits Twitter, demands a purple pony’

Chris Brown to tell all (again) on ‘20/20’ Chris Brown getting gold stars during probation

MTV goes deep with Chris Brown on Rihanna assault

A lot of celebrities get their day in court -- or close to it. Click here for more. Or are you digging the Preach It! vibe? Click here for lots o’ Leslie Gornstein. Follow the Ministry of Gossip on Twitter (we’re @LATcelebs). And if you want to become a fan on Facebook, find us at facebook.com/ministryofgossip.