John Mayer opens his mouth to Playboy and continues to make our brain hurt

"Maybe I’m so meta-aware that it’s off-putting to people."

-- John Mayer, talking to Playboy magazine

John Mayer's not a bad fella, you know -- just a "self-soother" who's "tempered in opposition." A man for whom Jessica Simpson is "like crack cocaine," who doesn't want to engage in "heartbreak warfare" against Jennifer Aniston. A man who is "not going to be a prisoner to a warden I can’t see."

Oh yeah, and he still really likes lots of online porn (personally, we don't like to see 300 of anything first thing in the morning) and lots of masturbation. He is "just going to run a filmstrip" in his mind while he's having sex with another human being. And he occasionally meets the "40-year-old me," who of course tells him to go to the zoo.

Then there's the whole thing about black people and his penis.

Good thing Mayer took that "cleanse" from Twitter, because he's certainly dumped a lot of something in the pages of Playboy magazine.

He's just misunderstood. Do a certain unflattering search of his name and, he says, "You’d get a lot of hits." (There are so many adjectives to choose from for that search too, apparently originating on terrible blogs written by kids.)

He says:

"It’s this whole perception thing about tabloids, where 85 percent of the stories are not true. If you align yourself to be exactly who you know you are and to have dignity, maybe through that distorted lens you look askew to everyone else. I’ve done away with feeling aloof and trying to seem suave and bulletproof. I’ve resigned myself to being slightly awkward and goofballish."

The goofballishness clearly explains his characterization of his penis as "sort of like a white supremacist" in that, even though -- he says -- black people love him, black women haven't thrown themselves at him. Though that, in a way, would seem to undercut Mayer's deep understanding of the black experience:

"What is being black? It’s making the most of your life, not taking a single moment for granted. Taking something that’s seen as a struggle and making it work for you, or you’ll die inside. Not to say that my struggle is like the collective struggle of black America. But maybe my struggle is similar to one black dude’s."

Oh, this is all so confusing!

Those stupid tabloids. What a mess they've created!

We're going to go bathe in bleach now.

-- Christie D'Zurilla

P.S. The full interview -- loaded with profanity and posted on a site that's full of scantily clad women -- is epic. Sorry we can't link to it. But you get the idea. And we'd also like to apologize to Jessica and Jennifer for including their names in this post. There's simply not enough bleach to go around, is there?

Photo: Why does John Mayer look so happy? The goofball is probably just running one or another sexually explicit filmstrip in his mind while he performs Dec. 11 at Madison Square Garden in New York. Credit: Evan Agostini / Associated Press.

Related Ministry of Gossip dispatches, fresh as a summer's eve -- er, breeze:

John Mayer in Rolling Stone: Not over Jennifer Aniston, but an innovator in masturbation

John Mayer back on Twitter; year 2010 now free to proceed

John Mayer equates dating with shame, presses on somehow

PREACH IT! Why pay for cable when you can watch celebrity Twitter wars for free?

Follow us on Twitter (we're @LATcelebs).  And if you want to become a fan on Facebook, find us at facebook.com/ministryofgossip.

Comments

[Shannon]

I really hope that the author of this is black...did you really just define what being black is? If you're not black, then how do you even know? I think I'm a little disgusted.

[Shannon]

How about we have a definition for being white????

[CDZ from the Ministry]

@Shannon -- Christie D'Zurilla from the blog here. I'm quite white, as you can see in the pic that's posted with my blog bio. That said, I also didn't create those comments.

The description of being black is a quote from John Mayer.

//cdz

[Sarah Tonin]

I always new he was a whack job.

[D.]

Could he be more self-absorbed? Maybe he can find a clever new phrase for that

[Katie]

So, now he's a crack head?

[Ej]

Waiting On The World To Change...who sang that song? Exactly!
Change starts with SELF! Mayer

[ladyofargonne]

I'm sorry he used the n word but I wish he would insult enough people to where we never have to hear from him again.

[don keyhote]

....well, nobody ever said musicians had intellect, we know some of them don't have class, talent?...well, that depends on your view, i never have liked his music, though a i am a die-hard blues fan...so i know i will never buy his music for sure..sticks and stones,break my bones but words never go away!.............

[kacey shorr]

He didn't do anything wrong, or out of line. SO whats the big deal? Where is the article about Sir Lance Alot liking big butts - you PC freaks.

[DONALD McCREA]

his brain is a wasteland.....

[A veteran teacher]

It's quite appalling that so many white artist who get caught using the N... word think they can dismiss themselves
with an apology. This man doesn't know he doesn't know!! Basically he got caught and like so many others!! he's trying to apologize. I wouldn't buy his music if my life depend on it.He calls himself defining "black people". Some would define him as a pure racist hiding behind and protecting the monies he's receiving from BLACk PEOPLE buying his music.

to apologize

[cinnamon barks]

It reminds me of the old Bonzo Dog Band song, "Can Blue Men Sing the Whites?"

Lyin' in my bed, pull the silken sheets up tight
I got to keep my strength up got to do a show tonight
I'll have a cup of coffee while I'm taking in the news
No need to have a shave cause I'm gonna sing the blues

Well I think I'll get a massage maybe lose a little fat
So I'll have to go downtown in my brand new Cadillac
My valet comes and dresses me, I light a big cigar,
Because I like to look like Nimrod when I'm riding in my car.

Can blue men sing the whites
Or are they hypocrites
to sing the blues?

Now it's getting near the time I gotta make the scene
I change out my dark grey mohair suit put on my dirty jeans
The band comes round to pick me up I holler "Hello boys!"
I gotta mess my hair up, I'm gonna make some noise

Can blue men sing the whites
Or are they hypocrites
to sing the blues?

[Sabrina]

John Mayer is a textbook narcissist, plain and simple. He completely needs to get over himself. Fine...he has the same preference that many rich and powerful white men around the world have...having a thin, blue eyed blonde as 'arm candy' but for Mayer to go out of his way to disparage Black women is simply unacceptable. Since when does being "honest" means he has to be meanspirited and rude? In a society where people seem to think that "looking good" = BEING good, the last thing our young Black women need is to be told that he thinks they are unattractive and undesirable i.e. bad!

Besides, any man who "kisses and tells" in the way he did re: Jessica Simpson is not a gentleman!

[Naomi]

Is his preference not to date black women or do they not throw themselves at him?

If his privates are a white supremecist, this indicates to me that he's not attracted to black women. He must have tried at least one or two, that settles it then. Doesn't it?

If it's black women who aren't throwing themselves at him, I wonder if maybe they were getting some signal that his parts were wearing a white pointy hood under his clothes.

Black people are not a monolith. For him to generalize us in anyway, whether describing "our struggle" (ha!) or determining our attractiveness, is insulting, prejudice and reductionist.

[Dimbaza]

I personally DO NOT think that he's racist BUT, he made a poor decision (albeit a VERY poor decision), by making comments, in an attempt to authentically connect with black audiences - Resulting in career suicide.

What's worst, is that; before John Mayer used the "N" word, and proceeded to make tasteless puns about black woman, he claimed to be a practicing JEW. John Mayer should know, yes, black people were offended, but as soon as Jewish people are offended by him - IT'S ALL OVER.

[Danny Culbreath]

I thought he was a pretty cool dude until the playboy interview. I'm pretty sure black girls don't find themseleves atrracted to him either. i won't play or buy his music ever again.

[emm305]

Somebody should tell this boy that just because you are a successful singer doesn't mean you're not a simpleton.

[CDZ from the Ministry]

Hey all -- Christie D'Zurilla here from the Ministry, reminding folks that this blog has a zero-tolerance policy against profanity.

Harsh profanity, mild profanity, cuss words with ast*erisks in them, or ----s ... even the acronyms. It's all a deal breaker.

If you don't see your comment live, chances are that's why. Feel free to resubmit clean.

Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment.

/cdz