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John Mayer opens his mouth to Playboy and continues to make our brain hurt

February 10, 2010 | 12:24 pm

Mayer"Maybe I’m so meta-aware that it’s off-putting to people."

-- John Mayer, talking to Playboy magazine

John Mayer's not a bad fella, you know -- just a "self-soother" who's "tempered in opposition." A man for whom Jessica Simpson is "like crack cocaine," who doesn't want to engage in "heartbreak warfare" against Jennifer Aniston. A man who is "not going to be a prisoner to a warden I can’t see."

Oh yeah, and he still really likes lots of online porn (personally, we don't like to see 300 of anything first thing in the morning) and lots of masturbation. He is "just going to run a filmstrip" in his mind while he's having sex with another human being. And he occasionally meets the "40-year-old me," who of course tells him to go to the zoo.

Then there's the whole thing about black people and his penis.

Good thing Mayer took that "cleanse" from Twitter, because he's certainly dumped a lot of something in the pages of Playboy magazine.

He's just misunderstood. Do a certain unflattering search of his name and, he says, "You’d get a lot of hits." (There are so many adjectives to choose from for that search too, apparently originating on terrible blogs written by kids.)

He says:

"It’s this whole perception thing about tabloids, where 85 percent of the stories are not true. If you align yourself to be exactly who you know you are and to have dignity, maybe through that distorted lens you look askew to everyone else. I’ve done away with feeling aloof and trying to seem suave and bulletproof. I’ve resigned myself to being slightly awkward and goofballish."

The goofballishness clearly explains his characterization of his penis as "sort of like a white supremacist" in that, even though -- he says -- black people love him, black women haven't thrown themselves at him. Though that, in a way, would seem to undercut Mayer's deep understanding of the black experience:

"What is being black? It’s making the most of your life, not taking a single moment for granted. Taking something that’s seen as a struggle and making it work for you, or you’ll die inside. Not to say that my struggle is like the collective struggle of black America. But maybe my struggle is similar to one black dude’s."

Oh, this is all so confusing!

Those stupid tabloids. What a mess they've created!

We're going to go bathe in bleach now.

-- Christie D'Zurilla

P.S. The full interview -- loaded with profanity and posted on a site that's full of scantily clad women -- is epic. Sorry we can't link to it. But you get the idea. And we'd also like to apologize to Jessica and Jennifer for including their names in this post. There's simply not enough bleach to go around, is there?

Photo: Why does John Mayer look so happy? The goofball is probably just running one or another sexually explicit filmstrip in his mind while he performs Dec. 11 at Madison Square Garden in New York. Credit: Evan Agostini / Associated Press.

Related Ministry of Gossip dispatches, fresh as a summer's eve -- er, breeze:

John Mayer in Rolling Stone: Not over Jennifer Aniston, but an innovator in masturbation

John Mayer back on Twitter; year 2010 now free to proceed

John Mayer equates dating with shame, presses on somehow

PREACH IT! Why pay for cable when you can watch celebrity Twitter wars for free?

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