Transgressions R Us: If you're respecting Tiger Woods' privacy, please don't click here [UPDATED]

.

Go away.

Seriously.

If you're respecting Tiger Woods' privacy, you've come to the wrong place.

~~ Move along -- nothing to see here. ~~

OK, who's left? Excellent! Now crack open a beer or a Pop-Tart or get coffee or something, because we're gonna get down in the muck with an inventory of the gossipy gossip that's emerged since Tiger's Wednesday admission of nonspecific "transgressions." Buckle up and try to stay with us.

Don't worry, you'll get used to the smell of cheap perfume soon enough. 

~~ Wait, you're still here? Don't you *dare* click to the rest of the post and then get mad at us later. You were warned! ~~

The Chicago Sun-Times' Bill Zwecker is reporting that "intense marriage counseling" has begun at la Casa de los Woodses -- like, multiple sessions a day. Boy, that sounds like a hoot. Totally as much fun as hanging in the VIP rooms in Vegas. 

Zwecker also offers the inside scoop on the couple's pre-nup, which he reports originally included a $20-million payout if the two stayed married at least 10 years. His source says it's now being rewritten to make "the incentives for [Elin Nordegren] to remain Mrs. Tiger Woods even more enticing." 

People who had tickets to watch Tiger play at his Chevron World Challenge this weekend can get a refund now that he's backed out, but requests so far have been minimal.

NBC San Diego on Wednesday discovered that Jaimee Grubbs, now 24, was busted for shoplifting from a Nordstrom store when she was 18. The station is selling it as a "criminal past." Hmm. Technically, yes. The worst part? The judge told her to stay away from that store. Cruel and unusual.

Jaimee's the woman who is alleging a 31-month affair and who produced that reported gut-punch voice-mail recording of Tiger asking her for a cover-up favor because his wife had gone through his phone and "might be calling." (Want to watch her star turn on "Tool Academy"? Click here.  She storms out of a room! She speaks!)

And -- Life & Style magazine showed up with the story of Kalika Moquin, who says she hooked up with Tiger more than once in Las Vegas the weekend of Oct. 23, 2009. We know you just want to see what she looks like, so click here and be satisfied.

Back on the Rachel Uchitel front, TMZ.com is reporting that sources say the Elin-Tiger row before the car wreck was set off by a "series of text messages" between Rachel and Tiger that caught Elin's attention. Hilarious high jinks reportedly ensued. (When the Ministry went through a situation like that, the guilty parties were still using pagers to send messages in Sexy Code, but we can relate to the enthusiasm with which such things go down after the "busted" moment.)

RadarOnline has reported that Tiger booked and paid for Rachel's travel to meet him in Australia back in November. She has admitted she was in Melbourne at the same time Tiger was playing in the Australian Masters, which he won.

Gloria Allred has scheduled a news conference for today at which Uchitel "will be present but will not speak." Can you say, "Those witches stole my thunder"?

[Updated at 8:46 a.m.: Thunder completely stolen: Allred has canceled the news conference that was set for today, citing "unforeseen circumstances." Well, it is sort of overcast today in L.A., so maybe that's why. For the record: A previous version of this post said the conference had been scheduled for 1 p.m., when it had been set for 11:30 a.m. And now that's moot.]

Additionally, the First Church of Tiger Woods, est. 1996, has announced it will be shutting down.

Unrelated to this whole mess, there is coincidentally a private citizen on Twitter whose name combines a couple of Tiger's lovely ladies' monikers, and who on Nov. 12 tweeted, "quote of the year: 'I wish there were life condoms for awkward prevention.'"

We think the universe might have been trying to warn her something was on the horizon -- and we guess her name just got about 1,000% easier to remember.

Anyone feel the need to wash up?

OK then. That's it for now.

-- Christie D'Zurilla

Photo: There you have it, there it is -- copies of Us Weekly for sale in Beverly Hills. Mark Ralston / AFP/Getty Images.

[UPDATED, Dec. 5, 2009: But wait, there's more! Click below and you'll get Part 2!]

Transgressions R Us, Part 2: Tiger Woods drama die-hards only, please

Got Tiger fatigue? Click here for an array of Ministry dispatches that have nothing to do with him. Or click here if the "Twilight: New Moon" media onslaught is seeming like the good old days. 

Follow the Ministry of Gossip on Facebook and Twitter (we're @LATcelebs).

Comments

[Angel Cruz]

well i mean if he wasnt happy why not just divorce his wife instead of sneaking around with a bunch of woman.That way he wouldnt have to hide it.

[crouchingtiger]

Okay, so in roughly one week we have learned alot about Tiger's transgressions. Here is one of the world's most private public persons who expects us to respect his privacy, that is, the part of life that he hopes to keep private as opposed to the carefully crafted public persona that he has manipulated to the tune of a billion dollars in personal fortune and megastar status.

Well Tiger, as much as I respect your ability to control the flight and roll of a little white ball, this isn't just a game anymore. The glare of the media is not going away. It is now trained directly on you and how you respond. Your lack of response so far has only served to generate more media glare and more public interest whether the facts are accurate or not.

Only one week and we already have non-stop daily coverage of every he said/she said/who said tabloid worthy bit of misinformation to whet the appetite of every self-absorbed, twitter-minded, socially dysfunctional media hound who has an opinion to post for others to mull about.

So far three different women have come forward looking to cash in by claiming sexual relationships. Fair or not this is the world we live in. Will this be the end of it, or simply the start of more to come in the weeks ahead? What if that unimaginable sex tape appears on-line? What then?

Time to fess up, Tiger. Life will go on, but there is serious damage control here. You cannot continue to be the private person any longer. It's not going to go away on its own. Fess up and maybe thing's will be better. It couldn't hurt.

[nolda]

My two cents tell me that Elin should divorce Tiger as quickly as possible and sue him for half of his wealth.

[David]

His father and friends (MJ #23, etc.) may have taught much to Tiger about life & golf, but I think this one area they really, really let him down. If you like to chase women, WHY DID YOU GET MARRIED? Just plain idiotic. Look at Derek Jeter, every 12 months, a new hot actress to sleep with. Do you see him having to potentially give away millions and go through a potential divorce? NO because he wasn't dumb enough to get married. Really dumb Tiger, really dumb. Tiger remember the immortal words of Charlie "Harper" Sheen: I don't pay them for sex, I pay them to leave. Leaving Elin is going to cost you a lot of money (which you can afford) but worse, tear your family apart and ruin your image for a long time. Good luck, time to sleep in the bed you mad.

[Cassandra]

Hmmm Maybe Tiger should give up golf and become a politican he now has the credentitals for it, he'd fit right in. Lets see hmmmm lie to his wife (voters), have someone on the side (misstress or mister) spend money that would be better spent on my family (waste taxpayer money). yep he fits right into government.

[MikeOHara]

Tiger Woods is involved in some sort of scandal? About what?

[CDZ from the Ministry]

Dunno, MikeOHara, maybe a little something with his HOA? Best I can tell, he didn't like how the trees were being cared for in the community? I could be wrong!

(Hope you're having a good night! /cdz)