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Transgressions R Us: If you're respecting Tiger Woods' privacy, please don't click here [UPDATED]

December 3, 2009 |  7:18 am
.

Cheated

Go away.

Seriously.

If you're respecting Tiger Woods' privacy, you've come to the wrong place.

~~ Move along -- nothing to see here. ~~

OK, who's left? Excellent! Now crack open a beer or a Pop-Tart or get coffee or something, because we're gonna get down in the muck with an inventory of the gossipy gossip that's emerged since Tiger's Wednesday admission of nonspecific "transgressions." Buckle up and try to stay with us.

Don't worry, you'll get used to the smell of cheap perfume soon enough. 

~~ Wait, you're still here? Don't you *dare* click to the rest of the post and then get mad at us later. You were warned! ~~

The Chicago Sun-Times' Bill Zwecker is reporting that "intense marriage counseling" has begun at la Casa de los Woodses -- like, multiple sessions a day. Boy, that sounds like a hoot. Totally as much fun as hanging in the VIP rooms in Vegas. 

Zwecker also offers the inside scoop on the couple's pre-nup, which he reports originally included a $20-million payout if the two stayed married at least 10 years. His source says it's now being rewritten to make "the incentives for [Elin Nordegren] to remain Mrs. Tiger Woods even more enticing." 

People who had tickets to watch Tiger play at his Chevron World Challenge this weekend can get a refund now that he's backed out, but requests so far have been minimal.

NBC San Diego on Wednesday discovered that Jaimee Grubbs, now 24, was busted for shoplifting from a Nordstrom store when she was 18. The station is selling it as a "criminal past." Hmm. Technically, yes. The worst part? The judge told her to stay away from that store. Cruel and unusual.

Jaimee's the woman who is alleging a 31-month affair and who produced that reported gut-punch voice-mail recording of Tiger asking her for a cover-up favor because his wife had gone through his phone and "might be calling." (Want to watch her star turn on "Tool Academy"? Click here.  She storms out of a room! She speaks!)

And -- Life & Style magazine showed up with the story of Kalika Moquin, who says she hooked up with Tiger more than once in Las Vegas the weekend of Oct. 23, 2009. We know you just want to see what she looks like, so click here and be satisfied.

Back on the Rachel Uchitel front, TMZ.com is reporting that sources say the Elin-Tiger row before the car wreck was set off by a "series of text messages" between Rachel and Tiger that caught Elin's attention. Hilarious high jinks reportedly ensued. (When the Ministry went through a situation like that, the guilty parties were still using pagers to send messages in Sexy Code, but we can relate to the enthusiasm with which such things go down after the "busted" moment.)

RadarOnline has reported that Tiger booked and paid for Rachel's travel to meet him in Australia back in November. She has admitted she was in Melbourne at the same time Tiger was playing in the Australian Masters, which he won.

Gloria Allred has scheduled a news conference for today at which Uchitel "will be present but will not speak." Can you say, "Those witches stole my thunder"?

[Updated at 8:46 a.m.: Thunder completely stolen: Allred has canceled the news conference that was set for today, citing "unforeseen circumstances." Well, it is sort of overcast today in L.A., so maybe that's why. For the record: A previous version of this post said the conference had been scheduled for 1 p.m., when it had been set for 11:30 a.m. And now that's moot.]

Additionally, the First Church of Tiger Woods, est. 1996, has announced it will be shutting down.

Unrelated to this whole mess, there is coincidentally a private citizen on Twitter whose name combines a couple of Tiger's lovely ladies' monikers, and who on Nov. 12 tweeted, "quote of the year: 'I wish there were life condoms for awkward prevention.'"

We think the universe might have been trying to warn her something was on the horizon -- and we guess her name just got about 1,000% easier to remember.

Anyone feel the need to wash up?

OK then. That's it for now.

-- Christie D'Zurilla

Photo: There you have it, there it is -- copies of Us Weekly for sale in Beverly Hills. Mark Ralston / AFP/Getty Images.

[UPDATED, Dec. 5, 2009: But wait, there's more! Click below and you'll get Part 2!]

Transgressions R Us, Part 2: Tiger Woods drama die-hards only, please

Got Tiger fatigue? Click here for an array of Ministry dispatches that have nothing to do with him. Or click here if the "Twilight: New Moon" media onslaught is seeming like the good old days. 

Follow the Ministry of Gossip on Facebook and Twitter (we're @LATcelebs).

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