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PREACH IT! Why pay for cable when you can watch celebrity Twitter wars for free?

December 2, 2009 |  2:30 pm

Kevinsmith

Honestly, I have no idea why people say the Internets are poisoning our brains and wasting away our fine nation. Those people obviously have never enjoyed a decent celebrity Twitter war.

They have never watched Lindsay Lohan air every detail of her spats with Sam Ronson, or observed Ashton Kutcher publicly debone a neighbor for daring to remodel a house, or decoded WHATEVER IT IS THAT KIRSTIE ALLEY IS RAGING ABOUT IN ALL CAPS.

If there’s one beautiful thing that the new millennium has brought to Hollywood, it’s a kind of delicious communications chaos. Publicists no longer have the power they once wielded over when and how a star would say stuff, and Twitter is ground zero for that Tinseltown Ragnarok. John Mayer directly spatting with Perez Hilton over a street fight involving the Black Eyed Peas? Merry Christmas in June!

The latest example of social media bread and circuses: Kevin Smith waging a siege worthy of Caesar against religious zealot Megan Phelps-Roper, granddaughter of the Rev. Fred Phelps. Smith’s allies: comedic actors Rainn Wilson and Michael Ian Black, who also tweeted against the anti-gay bigot.

It all went down this week, and make no mistake: It was 14 flavors of righteous...

After some mild religion-related back-and-forth, Phelps told Smith to “just put away ur filthy manner of life and obey.” Smith eventually replied: “Look, stop flirting with me. I like you too but I’m married, kid. And fat: like man-boobs/neck boobs fat.”

Smith also suggested that the two of them smoke some unholy substances together and then ask God which of them is right. If God favored Smith, he told Phelps, “you gotta either a) convert to a less hostile Jesus or b) make out with a chick.”

Black, meanwhile, tweeted to Phelps a message too graphic for me to post here on this family blog. Wilson sarcastically called Phelps a “sweetheart” after she posted, “Thank God for AIDS! You won’t repent of yr rebellion that brought His wrath on you in this scourge!”

Scourge! Oh, snap!

Hey Tila Tequila, care to throw yourself into the ring? Things are starting to quiet down in Twitterland today.

-- Leslie Gornstein

Photo: That's Kevin Smith, back in October 2008, when he'd been on Twitter for less than six months -- imagine how terrifying he is now. His first tweet? "Showing my flick to some fresh eyes, backing up laptop." Ahh, how our little Kevin has grown. Credit: Jay L. Clendenin / Los Angeles Times.

Previous preaching, presented by the Ministry of Gossip:

PREACH IT! I'll buy that kid for a dollar, Jennifer Hudson ...

PREACH IT! Hey Tiger? Gonna take a Big Bertha to your plea for privacy

PREACH IT! And Leslie Looked Upon the Ministry Readers, and She Saw That She Was Good (an introduction to Ms. Gornstein and her mission)

Follow the Ministry of Gossip on Facebook and Twitter (we're @LATcelebs).

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