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PREACH IT! Tiger Woods, you owe me, like, 8 billion trillion dollars

Accenture That’s it! Enough! The Tiger Woods thing has now officially grown totally out of control! Everyone stop talking about it like right this second!

True, I did have a gleeful time introducing you to the many nuances of Tiger’s lady friends, and it has been quite a blast discussing exactly what flavor of lying cad the golfing great truly is.

But that was before this whole scandal started to cost me money. Me! Now everything is topsy-turvy and the Tiger story is no fun at all.

According to a new study, Woods’ indiscretions have cost his partner companies an estimated $12 billion in market value, or about 2.3% in shareholder value. The study looked at nine of Tiger’s endorsement partners, including AT&T, American Express and Accenture. I own stock somewhere, through some sort of Fidelity mutual fund retirement gobbledygook whatnot, so I wouldn’t be shocked if I indirectly have at least one or two shares of one or two of those stocks.

There is only one way for this to end: Tiger Woods, I shall see you in court! I will get all of my lost retirement money back from you, you billionaire! Say adios to your house in Florida!

I called a few very lucky lawyers to see if they might want to represent me in my crusade for justice and fabulous living ...

Amex None of them wanted to take me on. I guess they were so bowled over by my financial acumen that they figured I could nail the case all by myself. A few of the lawyers told me my plan wouldn’t work, but that wasn’t surprising. Nobody wants to see an unknown genius like me swoop in and take all the money from a billionaire golf legend.

“You’d have to sue the companies who contracted with Tiger Woods; you couldn’t sue Tiger Woods,” attorney Timothy Gorry of Eisner, Frank & Kahan tried to warn me. He explained that, even though I may have shares in Accenture or AT&T, I don’t actually have a contract with Tiger myself, and the companies do, and that’s some sort of important fact. So Accenture or AT&T would be the ones crusading in court against Tiger, not me, Gorry said. Gorry probably plays golf with Tiger or something.

 Would the companies at least have a case against Tiger? Could they win back some of their losses?

Shred Well, if Tiger’s contracts required him to behave in a not-slutty fashion, the companies might be able to win back some cash from the golfer, attorney Edward Neiger tells me. But that scenario would not involve me taking all of Tiger’s money and living in his house in Florida, so I didn’t really ask Neiger much else.

Finally, I asked a former judge how much he would reward me after I won my case against Tiger Woods.

“As a former federal judge,” attorney Henry Koltys wrote to me, “I would likely dismiss it on a summary judgment motion as a frivolous lawsuit.”

I think that the phrase “summary judgment motion” is judge code for $4 billion and a bunch of new cars, but I’ll have to get back to you on that.

In the meantime, everyone stop talking about Tiger Woods. I want to retire someday, and it may take a few weeks before Tiger hands me the keys to his house.

— Leslie Gornstein

Photos: Evidence! Evidence! Evidence! We present: an Accenture ad featuring Tiger Woods, top. The American Express logo lurking suspiciously in a window, right. And Tom Tompkins with the Times Square Alliance shredding Tiger Woods headlines on Dec. 28, 2009, in preparation for New York's Dec. 31 Times Square festivities. Is it for confetti? Or to destroy evidence of weeks worth of bad headlines that have affected the Preach It bottom line? You be the judge. Credits, from top: Justin Sullivan/Getty Images; Russel A. Daniels / Associated Press; Mary Altaffer / Associated Press.

Check out Leslie Gornstein's totally self-tanned Preach It!  'Jersey Shore' hall of fame:

PREACH IT! 'Jersey Shore' news at this hour -- you know you want some

PREACH IT! 'Jersey Shore' fans: Help me shed my Chihuahua shame

PREACH IT! Pass the peppehs, we're going down the shore (the 'Jersey Shore,' that is)

More PREACH IT! magic from the Ministry of Gossip:

PREACH IT! Brother, can you spare a gig? For Jon Gosselin? No?

PREACH IT! Meet the ladies of the Tiger Woods scandal

PREACH IT! C'mon, you already knew Tiger Woods cheated

PREACH IT! Just for you, ABC, a post about Adam Lambert that is Totally Not Gay

Want the headlines? Follow the Ministry of Gossip on Facebook and Twitter (we're @LATcelebs on Twitter). We just got a new address on Facebook -- find us at facebook.com/ministryofgossip.


 
Comments () | Archives (36)

Is it possible that Tiger may be responsible for the entire economic collapse of Wall Street and the global recession? Could Tiger's infidelity account for EVERYTHING from the housing bubble to the Madoff rip-off? Could Tiger be THE SCAPEGOAT OF THE DECADE? Why not? He's a nice guy who plays his sport fairly and rarely utters a foul word about anyone. I bet he pays his taxes too. These private transgressions that no one has actually witnessed are the perfect excuse for blaming everything bad, including the Bush administration, on Tiger. If he were only a little older, say 20 years, we might even get him on a grassy knoll in Dallas around Thanksgiving 1963. Who knows?

@Michael -- Christie D'Zurilla from the Ministry again... you know, I think I'll now blame Tiger for my weight gain over the past few years.

I thought it was from having a sedentary job with a well-stocked candy bowl nearby, but now I realize, clearly, it was the work of one Mr. Tiger Woods.

:)

(You made me laugh, sir. Happy New Year.)

/cdz

A funny article and the comments are even funnier! TW truly brought it upon himself. The aspect of the story that really angers me is how so few people see the danger in what precipitated this entire event. That is, a driver careening out of control on a semi-public street! Imagine a child was walking his dog that night and was struck by this so called superstar? Oh, thats right, he's a sports legend and can do no wrong.

Tiger Woods isn't responsible for stock shares decreasing, but oh how he's the perfect scapegoat. No one gives a crap about what he's had to endure to get to where he is, we're all just green with envy over his billion dollar empire. Can't we learn from the media and celebs dying left and right that more money IS more problems? No, we can't, how envy is a tricky thing.
Beyond that, saying "enough" then whining about how Tiger's "transgressions" have effected you is as hypocritical as it can get. Any endorsements dropped for Tiger are probably dropped because they're taking advantage of his PERSONAL situation to rid themselves of the debt they incur by paying him in order to plaster his face everywhere.
At the end of the day he is just a man, and a human being. Very rich, but still human. The things people say and the ways he's been blasted in the media should inspire us all to think about why it's socially acceptable for people to say such hateful things about one another. And when those of you who do say those choice words, think about the lessons you bestow on your own children, and how that might also make you a hypocrite.
Being a role model isn't necessarily about what others observe, but instead, acting appropriately with each step you take and each word that comes out of your mouth. Think twice about casting stones against a man for forsaking his marriage, he faces far more temptation than any of us average people can imagine, anytime you want to utter judgement upon him you're essentially casting stones upon yourself. Be the bigger person and wish him well. Support your fellow America and human in their time of need, as that's where the valuable lessons are learned.

Personally I hope you did loose money. Shot yourself in the pocket book. Teach you to keep your nose up the boss's butt and out of real peoples bizz.

Nine out of ten you're involved with some one else's wife or girl friend right now. So you're tired, but you think you can get another fire started by promoting suing Woods.

If Karma is what they say it is we'll enjoy reading about you, when who-ever's boyfriend or husband catches up with you.

Oh please. Who cares? And besides the logic behind this study is silly at best. Even UC professors have a taste for fame apparently.

Is it really Tiger's fault, or the advertising agency and brand that didn't realize this was a possibility?

http://lonerboner.com/tiger-tales

Regardless of how you critique THIS particular articular, the (ahem) journalistic views expressed about Tiger and his troubles are way more out order down in Dixie!
http://foreblackgolfers.blogspot.com/

Wow you mean to tell me that prostitiutes really exist, cant believe it....

Uh, Joe? This article isn't a "story;" it's some lame-ass news employee's attempt at satire. A lot of media's opinions masquerade as reporting, which is why media today is diabolical. There's little to no distinction made between reporting and opinion. The casual reader can't tell the difference, so "well, it must be true it's in the newspaper" screws everything up! How to fight back? Well, in the media's relentless quest for "eyeballs" on the Internet, you can read, but don't buy anything advertised on the Internet until media cleans up its act and starts behaving like the profession it's supposed to be. As it is, they're just a bunch of hypocrites who go around bashing, gossiping, accusing and torturing celebrities or anyone else unfortunate enough to be targeted by "the media." Ka-ching! We need more eyeballs on our website! Let's print anything and call it news!

Tiger is mortal, after all. He should have remained single, since he likes variety in his sex life. If he were single, nobody would care how much he womanizes. If he wanted children, he should have bought the eggs, done an IVF, and hired surrogates to deliver them. That would be the only logical option, for someone of his wealth. The gold diggers can never be trusted, to no go for the jugular, if the marriage fails. Madonna paid Guy Ritchie $76 million, for the mistake she made, of marrying him. That is an unjust enrichment of a spouse, who bring no value to the marriage. What a shame! We must change our divorce laws, to be more compliant with logic.

 
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