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PREACH IT! Tiger Woods, you owe me, like, 8 billion trillion dollars

Accenture That’s it! Enough! The Tiger Woods thing has now officially grown totally out of control! Everyone stop talking about it like right this second!

True, I did have a gleeful time introducing you to the many nuances of Tiger’s lady friends, and it has been quite a blast discussing exactly what flavor of lying cad the golfing great truly is.

But that was before this whole scandal started to cost me money. Me! Now everything is topsy-turvy and the Tiger story is no fun at all.

According to a new study, Woods’ indiscretions have cost his partner companies an estimated $12 billion in market value, or about 2.3% in shareholder value. The study looked at nine of Tiger’s endorsement partners, including AT&T, American Express and Accenture. I own stock somewhere, through some sort of Fidelity mutual fund retirement gobbledygook whatnot, so I wouldn’t be shocked if I indirectly have at least one or two shares of one or two of those stocks.

There is only one way for this to end: Tiger Woods, I shall see you in court! I will get all of my lost retirement money back from you, you billionaire! Say adios to your house in Florida!

I called a few very lucky lawyers to see if they might want to represent me in my crusade for justice and fabulous living ...

Amex None of them wanted to take me on. I guess they were so bowled over by my financial acumen that they figured I could nail the case all by myself. A few of the lawyers told me my plan wouldn’t work, but that wasn’t surprising. Nobody wants to see an unknown genius like me swoop in and take all the money from a billionaire golf legend.

“You’d have to sue the companies who contracted with Tiger Woods; you couldn’t sue Tiger Woods,” attorney Timothy Gorry of Eisner, Frank & Kahan tried to warn me. He explained that, even though I may have shares in Accenture or AT&T, I don’t actually have a contract with Tiger myself, and the companies do, and that’s some sort of important fact. So Accenture or AT&T would be the ones crusading in court against Tiger, not me, Gorry said. Gorry probably plays golf with Tiger or something.

 Would the companies at least have a case against Tiger? Could they win back some of their losses?

Shred Well, if Tiger’s contracts required him to behave in a not-slutty fashion, the companies might be able to win back some cash from the golfer, attorney Edward Neiger tells me. But that scenario would not involve me taking all of Tiger’s money and living in his house in Florida, so I didn’t really ask Neiger much else.

Finally, I asked a former judge how much he would reward me after I won my case against Tiger Woods.

“As a former federal judge,” attorney Henry Koltys wrote to me, “I would likely dismiss it on a summary judgment motion as a frivolous lawsuit.”

I think that the phrase “summary judgment motion” is judge code for $4 billion and a bunch of new cars, but I’ll have to get back to you on that.

In the meantime, everyone stop talking about Tiger Woods. I want to retire someday, and it may take a few weeks before Tiger hands me the keys to his house.

— Leslie Gornstein

Photos: Evidence! Evidence! Evidence! We present: an Accenture ad featuring Tiger Woods, top. The American Express logo lurking suspiciously in a window, right. And Tom Tompkins with the Times Square Alliance shredding Tiger Woods headlines on Dec. 28, 2009, in preparation for New York's Dec. 31 Times Square festivities. Is it for confetti? Or to destroy evidence of weeks worth of bad headlines that have affected the Preach It bottom line? You be the judge. Credits, from top: Justin Sullivan/Getty Images; Russel A. Daniels / Associated Press; Mary Altaffer / Associated Press.

Check out Leslie Gornstein's totally self-tanned Preach It!  'Jersey Shore' hall of fame:

PREACH IT! 'Jersey Shore' news at this hour -- you know you want some

PREACH IT! 'Jersey Shore' fans: Help me shed my Chihuahua shame

PREACH IT! Pass the peppehs, we're going down the shore (the 'Jersey Shore,' that is)

More PREACH IT! magic from the Ministry of Gossip:

PREACH IT! Brother, can you spare a gig? For Jon Gosselin? No?

PREACH IT! Meet the ladies of the Tiger Woods scandal

PREACH IT! C'mon, you already knew Tiger Woods cheated

PREACH IT! Just for you, ABC, a post about Adam Lambert that is Totally Not Gay

Want the headlines? Follow the Ministry of Gossip on Facebook and Twitter (we're @LATcelebs on Twitter). We just got a new address on Facebook -- find us at facebook.com/ministryofgossip.


 
Comments () | Archives (36)

Uh, wait a minute. The very reason Tiger's "indiscretions have cost his partner companies an estimated $12 billion in market value, or about 2.3% in shareholder value" is because you and folk like you had "a gleeful time introducing [us] to the many nuances of Tiger’s lady friends, and it has been quite a blast discussing exactly what flavor of lying cad the golfing great truly is." And he owes _you_ money? Stories like this one are the very reason you have a job.

Are you kidding me? No matter WHAT Tiger has done, I find it very hard believe that his discretions ALONE are the ONLY reason why these companies have lost money. People aren't going to put that much effort into thinking about whether or not Tiger is the spokesperson for some particular item......Really, I am tired of the whole Tiger thing too - these companies really need to find the true reason they are losing money!!!!!!!!

Very funny article.

If the attack rumors are true and the genders were reversed, Elin would be prosecuted for domestic abuse and felony assault or attempted murder. While Tiger's infidelities are outrageously wrong, it's not a legal justification for Elin to resort to violence.

Thank God someone has said ENOUGH!!!!!! That man isn't the only golfer that has had an affair. I strongly believe Tiger has been set up the whole entire time. Starting w/ alot of the jealous golfer who cannot compete w/ tiger from the start to the women who could not get him down to the pitiful nanny who got him and now she is out for his money. I don't fill sorry for Tiger because he just got caught. But alot of the professional should start to wise up and try to keep the media out of there lives. There are so many professional atheletes that do and as well as celebrities. Some one need to ask them how they do it and get on with there LIVES!!!!!

All I can say to this is: THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING NOSEY IN OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES! Start investing in the right things like.....JESUS! You can put all your money on Him and He will NEVER let you down. Man will always let each other down but CHRIST NEVER fails. You don't need Tiger's mansion. You need a mansion in the sky!

I swear, Satan himself runs the media. It's his instrument of terror. The problem is medialoid--defined as the infiltration of tabloid journalism into traditional media sources, including the proliferation of sensationalism, triviality and disregard for privacy, with particular emphasis on news coverage of the sports and entertainment industries. Medialoid thinks they make the rules by which society must live. They think they define what is and is not free speech. They have no morals, no decency and no shame. What we have is not qualified reporters reporting on newsworthy topics but packs of bloodthirsty jackals always on the prowl for their next victim. Ka-ching! They hide behind the First Amendment while they tear down society by pandering to humankind's basest instincts. From their presumed position as the final arbiters of what people should think and what they should be thinking about, they smell blood in the water and circle the victim like a bunch of braying hyenas. Ka-ching! Ratings! Ratings! I hope you're all proud of yourselves. Michael Jackson…now Tiger Woods. Tiger isn't the one who should be ashamed—except before his wife. Medialoid should be ashamed for the disreputable way they behave when a high profile personality stumbles. Ugh. I hate the media. You all make me sick, including gossip mongers like Ministry of Gossip. I now have a personal policy that I will purchase no products of companies that sponsor gossip rags like this one.

Its disgusting to read the introduction of this article. The media has been nothing more than bashing of this player. Because of you're meddling it has caused one of the greatest golfers in the world to "hang up" his clubs. What makes you think he owes you money?? You have to pay the consequences of your actions. Congrats, Idiot!

too bad people won't stop yapping about tiger woods. they still won't shut their yaps about mikle jakson. jackson was a pervert who should have went to jail. woods should go to jail for cheating. million dollar losers. what a life. spoiled morons.

cute story.
i hope no one takes the article seriously but I'm quite sure there will be one or two, maybe even three, dimwits out there who do. For you folks who read between the lines happy reading.

As for Tiger all I can say is why on earth did he ever decide to get married in the first place ???????????

This is the most idiotic "in jest" article I have ever read.

Listen! The women involed in these affairs are just as guilty as Tiger! They absoulutely knew what they were getting themselves into..... i believe this is a complete money scandal and if you blame Tiger dont forget these women are as much as fault for his infidelity! I blame society for painting them as "victims" when they knew the circumstances before they ever became involved with a married man no one forced them it was there chioce......So are you looking to sue them too?

FORGIVENESS---EVERYONE IS HURT BY SOMEONE'S HUMAN FAULTS-THAT IS WHY JESUS WAS BORN-TO LIVE TO DIE FOR ALL OF MAN'S SIN'S---HIS GREAT BIRTHDAY WAS TO BE FOR HIS GREAT SACRIFICE OF HIS LIFE---I HEARD OF TIGER'S UNFORTUNATE STORY BEFORE CHRISTMAS AND FEEL SO MUCH HURT FOR ALL THE HUMAN BEINGS INVOLVED (ALL OF US!!!)---IT'S A NEW YEAR---EVERYONE """EVERYONE FORGIVE"""---"HE WHO IS WITHOUT SIN LET HIM CAST THE FIRST STONE"---AND "WHAT DOTH IT PROFIT A MAN IF HE GAIN THE WHOLE WORLD AND LOSE HIS OWN SOUL"---EVERYONE PRAY FOR FORGIVENESS AND HEALING AND RESTORATION---THERE IS ENOUGH SORROW IN THIS WORLD!!! GOD BLESS US EVERYONE!!!

You are such a loser! You blame someone else for your own big mouth? What the heck! You don't even deserve a single penny from your retirement fund! What about all the people you dragged into this mess? Should we SUE you instead for opening Pandoras Box? Grow up!You're such a loser you writer you!

Well you might not have as much financial acumen as you credit yourself with. If memory serves me, Florida is notorious for allowing a debtor to keep his home, even in bankruptcy. You are in a serious divot on that approach!

You're such a loser! That's what you get for opening your BIG mouth! You don't even deserve a single penny from your own retirement fund! Are we supposed to SUE you now for opening Tiger's Pandoras Box, I'm sure our shares got dented too from these companies we've invested in due to your actions? You really are a screwed up writer! Now I really wonder what other crap Los Angeles Times is publishing! Sheeesh! Grow up loser writer! To LA Times - get rid of this person!

Think it's bad in LA? You should try living nearby in Orlando. Constant barrage of helicopter blades thumping through the night air as they hover over his house in shifts. He owes me too. I want some sleep!

Too bad us naive Tiger fans who have collected Tiger memorabilia for many years can't sue him for halving the value of our collections! My collection is now worth 1/2 of what I paid! I should have known based on a variation of the bubble theory - let's say the sexual bubble theory - that the empire of King Tiger was going to implode someday.

I thought this article was funny, however, I'm getting more of a kick out of the reader comments.

Thanks for the laugh folks!

@Brandon You should see some of the ones I *haven't* published.

"Satire" and "humor" must be new concepts here on the Internet? LOL

Thanks to all, however, for burning up the Web checking out Leslie's post!

(P.S. This is Christie D'Zurilla from the Ministry of Gossip, Leslie's cohort.)

A great golfer who has unprotected sex with at least a dozen other women & still sleeps with his wife is a dirtbag. I'm not married but still would never buy any product he represents, he's trash!

Was this whole article just a vehicle to subtly plug some random attorneys? I mean come on, you even provided links to their websites. What's your cut of any new business they get?

Endorsements are stupid. Did anyone really look into management consulting with Accenture soley because Tiger Woods' picture is on a billboard or other advertisement? Dumb. Hey, lets give someone famous millions and hope that we will make millions in profit soley from that. Is that good advertising? I didn't know what Accenture really did until I googled them, Tigers image told me nothing.

Actually after all this came out I appreciate Tiger more than ever. This said its not like I pick a product because Tiger endorses it or decide to drop it because he decided to have sex with multiple women...
On a personal level, "way to go Tiger Woods!!!". As for all the bigots who criticize, its because they are stuck with no girlfriend or with a fat wife and have no chances of scoring some hot chick...

I have not checked with my investment company. I hope I am not being affected by this whole situation. Incredible!!! The media has created a big mess of the situation. We need to stop throwing stones to people. No one is perfect.

 
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