PREACH IT! 'Jersey Shore' news at this hour -- you know you want some
The apparent assault on the show’s tiniest and tanniest cast member, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, first went viral in a promotional video days ago. Now reports indicate the puncher is -- wait for it! -- a Queens gym teacher named Brad Ferro. He was subsequently arrested. Ferro has reportedly been moved out of the classroom and into a nefarious-sounding “reassignment center.” MTV is also under fire for releasing the video in the first place. No amount of sausages and peppehs can repair the pain.
Need more “Jersey Shore”? Of course you do. Bust out the hot pink corsets and the Parliaments! It’s a recap of the newest episode! In case you dipped off last night, here’s what you need to know about who was vibin’ on what in Seaside Heights.
J-WOWW was indeed coherent when she tongue-kissed Pauly, OK? Because she said she wasn’t, when she totally was. Despite all that, she is a total relationship expert, and Ronnie comes to her for advice on how to deal with the Situation. Which is also turning into a situation.
Here’s the precise situation. The Situation is standing in front of the T-shirt store. The Situation still wants Sammi, who is looking very pretty today, I must say, even though she vibed wit' the Situation in the previous episode only to turn around and blow him off to get with Ronnie.
Snooki’s favorite food is pickles; the other guys like to watch her eat them. She has a mesmerizing mastery over pickles; they stay very put in her pink princess talons. Snooki will also, like, make out with a girl, I mean, if that’s what you want. If that’s what you’re into, you know, whateva.
You are watching, right?
“I am all about you,” Ronnie tells Sammi. And oh, “I don’t cuddle.” He does, however, hold hands with Sammi when they go out. And they do it in front of the Situation. The Situation still thinks Sammi is looking very lovely today.
J-WOWW thinks she needs to tell her boyfriend, Tommy, about what she did, but says she doesn’t remember doing, with Pauly.
“I think he’s kind of a sucker, if you ask me,” Pauly says. No one asked you, Pauly. Just cook the peppehs.
Angelina’s two friends Alana and Elena come over. They want to party, but then Angelina’s boyfriend seems cold over the phone, and that makes Angelina all shifty-eyed. Angelina and the boyfriend agree to meet later, but, seriously, there’s something shifty about the situation. Not to be mistaken for the Situation. He totally wishes.
The club is called Headliners, and it’s classy, not trashy. Everybody is going. Vinny puts on a shirt, vest and tie. Pauly opts for Body Heat cologne. Shots downed! Let’s go! Snooki is ready to get it on with her friend Mike, who is not the same Mike who is Angelina’s boyfriend. Oh, whoops, snap. Hold on. Not Angelina’s boyfriend anymore. Ouch.
“Isn’t this guy going through a divorce?” some guidette remarks about Angelina’s now ex. That revelation totally confuses poor Snooki. Or Snickers. Or whatever. He tries calling later; Angelina won’t take the call. Could be on account of it’s a telephone that looks like a duck.
J-WOWW isn’t telling Tommy what happened with Pauly. Which is fine, because, really, it’s a TV show. How is he gonna find out?
Vinny shows up for work on time; Angelina does not. Some dude in a porkpie hat chews her out; she doesn’t care. To be honest, good for her. The whole idea of even having to do shifts at a T-shirt shop and “work” for one’s “keep” while at the same time providing free on-camera entertainment for MTV? Yeah, no. That’s called the Second Shift, dude. Arlie Hochschild. Read it, people. Angelina’s outta dere.
“I was always the one to abuse you, it was the best, though,” she tells the Situation. Right. Completely the best. Don’t forget to take all your trash bags with you. “Angelina’s a half-ass firecracker,” the Situation cracks. “It just fizzled out real quick and made a loud noise.”
They all make a champagne toast to No More Drama. And then J-WOWW calls her boyfriend and tells him what she did with Pauly’s tongue and -- other parts. The boyfriend hangs up.
“She’ll feel less guilty now when she hooks up wit’ me,” Pauly intones.
Snooki’s friend Ryder arrives. They dance all by themselves at a bar; Ronnie and Sammi decide to go play games -- on the boardwalk! Get your filthy head out of the filthy gutter! They invite the Situation, but he chooses to be all salty about it instead. He mentions that Snooki and her friend are now in the hot tub upstairs and maybe he’ll go up there. Sammi looks unimpressed.
She and Ronnie disappear into the locked “guest room” after their boardwalk date; we are later told they “talk” the whole night. Ryder and Sammi make out in the hot tub in front of the Situation and Vinny. The Situation then makes out with Snooki.
Nobody makes out with Vinny.
Hey, all right! Sausages and peppehs! I was wondering where they was at. Too bad they’re not going to get cooked; the housemates burn the grill instead. They use the fire extinguisher on the grill and then announce they’re cooking on it anyway. Episode finale: Club Karma, yo! Ronnie and Sammi take it to the next level; they say sweet things to each other, then Ronnie goes off to dance like a smurf, very close to another girl. Sammi ripostes by giving another guy her number. J-WOWW informs Ronnie, and Ronnie stone cold walks out of the club.
Sammi is ready to clean someone’s clock.
The Situation keeps kissing Snooki.
What will happen next? I mean, besides Snooki getting punched at a bar? Who knows? Meantime, a toast: To more, more, more drama.
-- Leslie Gornstein
Photo: We like where this show is going, top. And yeah, on the right there, that's a car crash. Because we couldn't find a train wreck. Mm hmm. Credits: Christie D'Zurilla / Ministry of Gossip, top; Gerry Broome / Associated Press.
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