HAT: Heaven Admissions Test
You must answer at least TEN of the following questions.
Read this examination paper in its entirety before answering. You are reminded that you have three hours to complete this examination, and this is your only opportunity to sit this examination, so answer carefully and accurately. Good luck.
1. "Dubito ergo cogito, cogito ergo sum." Assess the implications of Descartes' supposition in relation to the doctrine of God's infallibility. Does doubt finally prove God's existence or his absence within this paradigm?
2. Identify your five favourite poems by Coventry Patmore, and defend your preferences.
3. Assume Douglas Adams, however jokingly, was right in postulating that the answer to the meaning of life was "42." Calculate accordingly the square root of the meaning of death to five decimal places.
4. Name every person you've ever hurt in your life-- and not just the ones you know you hurt, but all of them-- and explain the reasons for your actions. Postulate remedies for at least twenty of those people.
5. It is generally noted that nature abhors a vacuum. If this is the case, why do Hoovers continue to exist? What does this suggest to you about nature, and, indeed, about the future of reality TV?
6. Is evil a necessary aspect of human existence? Why or why not? Note: do not invoke Nietzsche in answering this; God is still pissed after the whole "God is dead" thing.
7. Is the Christian God heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, asexual, carnisexual, or herbisexual? Explain with references to indications of God's 'proclivities' that may be gleaned from the Bible.
8. God can see you when you masturbate. Explain why this does or does not bother you. Caveat: Do not argue that you don't; he knows better.
9. Your dead relatives also have front-row seats when you masturbate. Explain why this does or does not bother you. Again, do not argue that you do not masturbate, and think long and hard on your grandmother's face as you articulate your 'gendericity.'
10. Write your own version of Dante's Commedia. Where would you situate yourself in this version of purgatory, hell, and heaven, and why?
11. Turn the ink from your examination paper into either blood or wine (take your pick; this is supposed to be fun, after all!).
12. Justify triskaidekaphobia.
14. Express your deepest love in one word.
15. Express your deepest hate in one letter.
16. Is time past gathered in time future?
17. Prove that Avril Lavigne and Jerry Springer are indeed the same person.
18. Perform one act of genuine faith and love, and describe the emotions you have as you do so. Keep in mind, this has to be an act of true faith and love, and not just what you assume one is.
19. "Brevity is the soul of wit," Shakespeare indicates. Prove this with your examination paper.
20. Can you honestly say you've given more to the world than it has given you? If so, address your wrongedness in the form of a Johnny Carson monologue. If not, address your plenty in the form of a Van Morrison song.
21. Write an elegy for Hitler that does not invoke either jingoistic Teutonism, cheap patriotism, or vindictive anti-Semitism.
22. What is the secret of the Caramilk bar?
23. Caress the inner truth within you, and describe it. Remember, your grandparents can read your answers.
24. Have the guts: write your deepest desire, the one you most desperately try to pretend does not exist.
25. Explain the virtues of bukkake in the form of a poetic epistle.
26. Explain the last time you cried.
27. Explain the last time you didn't cry, but wish you had.
28. Write the perfect equivalent of a kiss.
29. Does malt truly do more than Milton can to justify the ways of God to man? Why or why not?
and
30. Write a funny and intelligent parody of this examination paper that turns the tables on God. Do this without invoking the age-old joke of the platypus.
THE END
- Christie St. Martin
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Good god, I've found my next ubiquitous MySpace survey.
Please let me know if ANYONE fills this out.
Posted by: AmbroseKalifornia | March 31, 2008 at 04:26 AM
I hope someone does and either puts it in the comments or links me to it. ;)
Posted by: Christie | March 31, 2008 at 04:30 AM
1. "Dubito ergo cogito, cogito ergo sum." Assess the implications of Descartes' supposition in relation to the doctrine of God's infallibility. Does doubt finally prove God's existence or his absence within this paradigm?
no.
2. Identify your five favourite poems by Coventry Patmore, and defend your preferences.
A Farewell
Departure
Faint Yet Pursuing
Magna Est Veritas
Deliciae Sapientiae de Amore
The other ones are just shit really.
3. Assume Douglas Adams, however jokingly, was right in postulating that the answer to the meaning of life was "42." Calculate accordingly the square root of the meaning of death to five decimal places.
fancy.
4. Name every person you've ever hurt in your life-- and not just the ones you know you hurt, but all of them-- and explain the reasons for your actions. Postulate remedies for at least twenty of those people.
Mom-born
Dad-born
wait for them to die.
5. It is generally noted that nature abhors a vacuum. If this is the case, why do Hoovers continue to exist? What does this suggest to you about nature, and, indeed, about the future of reality TV?
I met a girl once who called herself Hoover, there is no way nature could hate that.
6. Is evil a necessary aspect of human existence? Why or why not? Note: do not invoke Nietzsche in answering this; God is still pissed after the whole "God is dead" thing.
evil is like Putt Putt, you do it for the fun of it.
7. Is the Christian God heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, asexual, carnisexual, or herbisexual? Explain with references to indications of God's 'proclivities' that may be gleaned from the Bible.
He's definitely into chicks, from the Gene McDaniels song 100 Pounds of Clay:
He took a hundred pounds of clay
And they He said "Hey, listen"
"I'm gonna fix this-a world today"
"Because I know what's missin' "
Then He rolled his big sleeves up
And a brand-new world began
He created a woman and-a lots of lovin' for a man
Whoa-oh-oh, yes he did
8. God can see you when you masturbate. Explain why this does or does not bother you. Caveat: Do not argue that you don't; he knows better.
What bothers me is that he made my nuts so big.
9. Your dead relatives also have front-row seats when you masturbate. Explain why this does or does not bother you. Again, do not argue that you do not masturbate, and think long and hard on your grandmother's face as you articulate your 'gendericity.'
I actually saw my now dead grandfather get a lapdance from a woman wearing a Budweiser bikini, he's fine with it.
10. Write your own version of Dante's Commedia. Where would you situate yourself in this version of purgatory, hell, and heaven, and why?
right here, right now, this exam, purgatory.
11. Turn the ink from your examination paper into either blood or wine (take your pick; this is supposed to be fun, after all!).
done(blood).
12. Justify triskaidekaphobia.
There are 13 reasons why I can't.
14. Express your deepest love in one word.
pancake.
15. Express your deepest hate in one letter.
G.
16. Is time past gathered in time future?
yes.
17. Prove that Avril Lavigne and Jerry Springer are indeed the same person.
yes.
18. Perform one act of genuine faith and love, and describe the emotions you have as you do so. Keep in mind, this has to be an act of true faith and love, and not just what you assume one is.
indifference.
19. "Brevity is the soul of wit," Shakespeare indicates. Prove this with your examination paper.
no.
20. Can you honestly say you've given more to the world than it has given you? If so, address your wrongedness in the form of a Johnny Carson monologue. If not, address your plenty in the form of a Van Morrison song.
Don't want to discuss it
I think it's time for a change
You may get disgusted
And think I'm strange
In that case I'll go underground
Get some heavy rest
Never have to worry
About what is worst and what is best
Oh oh Domino
Roll me over Romeo
There you go
Lord have mercy
I said oh oh Domino
Roll me over Romeo
There you go
Say it again
I said oh oh Domino
I said oh oh Domino
There's no need for argument
There's no argument at all
And if you never hear from him
That just means he didn't call
Or vice versa
That depends on where ever you're at
And if you never hear from me
That just means I would rather not
I said oh oh Domino
Roll me over Romeo
There you go
Lord have mercy
I said oh oh Domino
Roll me over Romeo
There you go
Say it again
Oh oh Domino
I said oh oh Domino.
21. Write an elegy for Hitler that does not invoke either jingoistic Teutonism, cheap patriotism, or vindictive anti-Semitism.
nice mustache.
22. What is the secret of the Caramilk bar?
makes excellent packing material.
23. Caress the inner truth within you, and describe it. Remember, your grandparents can read your answers.
feels like sandpaper.
24. Have the guts: write your deepest desire, the one you most desperately try to pretend does not exist.
that they made candy corn on the cob.
25. Explain the virtues of bukkake in the form of a poetic epistle.
from Bukkake 2:3,
SORRY DUDE, DIDN'T MEAN TO GET THAT ON YOUR LEG.
26. Explain the last time you cried.
Crying Over You by Platinum Blonde always makes me cry.
27. Explain the last time you didn't cry, but wish you had.
when old man smokey did the hokey pokey.
28. Write the perfect equivalent of a kiss.
flying elbow from the top ropes, with tongue.
29. Does malt truly do more than Milton can to justify the ways of God to man? Why or why not?
You can't drink reading, so yes.
and
30. Write a funny and intelligent parody of this examination paper that turns the tables on God. Do this without invoking the age-old joke of the platypus.
See "Meet the Spartans" for all your parody needs
Posted by: stone | March 31, 2008 at 07:56 AM
1. Not really, because I can be without thinking. How about "I download, therefore I am" ? Stuff just doesn't queue itself up.
2.How about the poetry of Jim Morrison because its a bit more hedonistic ?
3. 1 - you die alone.
4. This list is still incomplete. I'll get back to you.
5. You need things (or people) that can suck golf balls through a garden hose. This would make interesting reality television.
6. Yes, its how we tell the difference between Green Lantern and Sinestro. The line between Grendel and Argent is a bit more blurred.
7. Dunno. God doesn't seem to be an exhibitionist and I can't recall God ever rocking up to a bar to brag to friends.
8. No, as long as God doesn't have a video camera and access to reality television.
9. No, as long as they don't have a video camera and access to reality television.
10. Saw lotsa places and I'm going to stay here now. Heaven - because I'm right.
11. I don't drink. Can I have a glass of water instead ?
12. You shouldn't laugh at Numerophobia. You will never get the exact change that way.
14. Computer
15. Y
16. Yes, like that big rolling rock thingee in Raiders Of The Lost Ark.
17. You'd give Arvil a "love tap" after a few drinks but you'd never touch Jerry. They are the ying and yang so combined they are one.
18. Happiness and fear.
19. How about I burn all copies of Shakespeare instead. Seriously, how crap was that guy ? It was like Days Of Our Lives for the 17th century and people go gaga over it.
20. I'd still prefer Jim Morrison. This is The End, Beautiful friend......
21. Angry, angry man.
22. The yummy caramel
23. I am
24. Thats I'm not good enough to play in the soccer World cup.
25. Ewww, yuck, yuck, done.
26. Watching Christopher Walken do a live reading of The Three Little Pigs. The tears were tears of joy.
27. Arriving at work today.
28. Driving at over 100 miles an hour.
29. Are we talking a quality single malt ? I don't drink anyway - I don't care.
30. The first question would be: "In the 1974 Sheepdog trials, how many were found guilty and why ?" Discuss
Posted by: Frank | March 31, 2008 at 07:00 PM