5:05 p.m.: The red carpet is open, and the countdown to Britney Spears' appearance has begun. How times have changed. Only one year ago, Spears showed up at the MTV Video Music Awards, and -- by all accounts -- appeared to destroy her career. But a couple guest stints on "How I Met Your Mother" later ('she acted sort of OK!!!!'), and everyone seems to have forgotten about all the craziness and complete lack of talent -- other than the ability to look pretty while dancing. Yay. Thus begins the 'what will she do now' hype, which the Los Angeles Times is not immune to, and the only real thing that passes as drama for tonight. So now that 2008 is The Great Britney Comeback, what can MTV do for an encore in 2009? Surely producers are already plotting some 2009 Brit stunt.
5:10 p.m.: MTV tells us that all the stars' cars are affixed with GPS devices, so everyone's arrival can be tracked as they make their way to the Paramount Pictures gate on Melrose and Bronson. This sounded exciting. We dashed to MTV.com to see if there was some type of fancy map with moving cars. No, they're wasn't, but maybe the pre-show will cut to a graphic of all the cars making their way through Hollywood? In fact, Katy Perry is nearby, MTV tells us. The cameras cut to Perry's car. Hmmmm. As far as we can tell, the GPS consists of a giant paper sign that says "Katy Perry" affixed to the hood of the limo.
5:15 p.m.: T-Pain is arriving with a "circus" to hype his album "Thr33 Ringz." His circus? An elephant, a drummer and what may or may not be a member of Slipknot.
5:17 p.m.: Country tart Taylor Swift is doing red carpet interviews and talking fashion. Swift herself is decked out in a sparkling gold dress. We've already made this joke.
5:24 p.m.: MTV's GPS tells us Panic at the Disco is nearby. Panic at the Disco's GPS system? A giant placard on the the hood of the car.
5:26 p.m.: Katy Perry tells us she "doesn't have a whole lot of money." Kids, stay away from those major label deals. And keep your publishing.
5:34 p.m.: Coffee break. "America's Best Dance Crew."
5:43 p.m.: Paris Hilton & Benji Madden, with some pink paint on their Twitter-friendly limo, "BFF."
5:45 p.m.: Swift and the Jonas Brothers, and Swift is practically speechless, playing the part of every teenage girl in America.
5:50 p.m.: Ashlee Simpson on how to show up at the MTV VMAs when pregnant: You have to "pick a dress that doesn't stick to your stomach."
6:01 p.m.: Spears and "Superbad's" Jonah Hill, with Spears showing off those "HIMYM" acting chops in a sub-"SNL" bit about Hill thinking they're on a date.
6:02 p.m.: Spears opens the show! By saying one sentence really fast and reading from the teleprompter without flubbing her lines and then walking off stage and not tripping and looking good in her dress! She's back!?! Welcome to the 25th anniversary of the awards, she says, and we're off.
6:05 p.m.: It's the light-stick-waving gang from "Batman & Robin," and on comes Rihanna, dressed for a screen test to a sequel for "The Outsiders," singing a version of "Disturbia" that references the Eurythmics and the White Stripes.
6:11 p.m.: British comedian Russell Brand comes out attacking U.S. politics, and fires off a round of jokes directed toward Republican vice president candidate Sarah Palin and her pregnant daughter. A wee bit heavy on the American political jokes, me thinks. Brand then moves to mocking the Jonas Brothers and their supposed virgin status, and brings his routine full circle. "Eight years of Bush are what the Jonas Brothers are going to have to cram into their bachelor parties." The tween parents must be loving this.
6:18 p.m.: Winner best female video: Britney Spears' "Piece of Me." Spears topples the No. 1 single of the summer, Katy Perry's "I Kissed A Girl." But do we really even need to give out awards at these things? Everyone remembers the best picture winners at the Oscars, and the album of the year winners at the Grammys, but does anyone recall who won a "Moon Man" at the 2005 MTV VMAs? Is that stuff even in Trivial Pursuit?
6:27 p.m.: Demi Moore (Demi Moore?) introduces best male video, celebrating the 25th anniversary of the MTV VMAs by wearing an outfit straight out of the '80s. Chris Brown wins for "With You."
6:30 p.m." The Jonas Brothers performing "Lovebug" acoustically, singing it outside on Paramount's New York backlot. It looks like they're on the set of "Sesame Street," but then it gives way to an all-out Disneyland-meets-"A Hard Day's Night" onslaught of tweens.
6:35: p.m.: Cut to Katy Perry singing "Like A Virgin." Classy post-Jonas Brothers move. But we only get about 40 second of it, and then it's that bad Jerry Seinfeld/Bill Gates commercial.
6:40 p.m.: Poor Katy Perry. She loses to Britney, and then cuts her two songs shafted by commercial breaks. And she showed up at the awards wearing what looked to be a diaper.
6:41 p.m.: Michael Phelps! "A true American hero" says Brand, introducing Leona Lewis to kick off a disaster of a medley with Lil Wayne. This is a mess from the start. Wayne's "A Millie" is loaded with too many expletives to even translate on TV, and then T-Pain arrives to join Wayne for "Got Money" and obliterate any sense of groove. Kanye, you must have some glow-in-the-dark effects that are more impressive than all of this, no?
6:47 p.m.: Some sort of award is given to some people from "America's Best Dance Crew." Two minutes of life, wasted.
6:48 p.m. Best dancing in a video: The Pussycat Dolls' "When I Grow Up."
6:56 p.m.: After a long commercial break, we're back to see Danity Kane and Pete Wentz reminding viewers to vote for best new artist, and are treated to a bit of Danity Kane counting the votes. Finally, something the girl-group is actually suited to do.
6:58 p.m.: Paramore is said to be performing a few miles away in West Hollywood at the Whiskey A Go-Go, but then they're not, and are just performing on a set that kinda looks like the club's stage. Paramore sings "Misery Business," and Hayley Williams is strutting like a hair metal star as she powers through the song's choppy riffs and clunker of a chorus. Poor Katy Perry. She gets chopped by a commercial break, and she has to endure a full Paramore song?
7:07 p.m.: Russell Brand with another joke about the Jonas Brothers' promise ring. Really, the fact that they wear promise rings isn't really funny.
7:09 p.m.: For those keeping score at home, Linkin Park won best rock video for "Shadow of the Day." Watch it on mute.
7:11 p.m.: Miley Cyrus is doing the new commercial for Rock Band! Oh no, that's the show.
7:13 p.m.: Pink is performing on the Jonas Brothers set, but she's blowing stuff up, cuz she's older and all. She tears off a blue dress for an all-leather outfit, performing on a stage with mini pyrotechnics. The song is still a Joan Jett throwaway.
7:20 p.m.: The Ting Tings! For about 10 seconds. How was that worth it for the act? So they got to perform to a bunch of drunk VIPs and journalists?
7:24 p.m.: Slipknot comes out with Christopher Mintz-Plasse (McLovin), who's pretending he's drunk. The bit is actually kinda funny, and Plasse was wearing a Slipknot mask, but quickly becomes not-so-funny when Slipknot quieted the room by threatening to beat him up. Then Lil Wayne won for best rap video.
7:27 p.m.: Jordin Sparks, sticking up for promise rings. The "Idol" kids bring some heartland values to the event.
7:29 p.m.: T.I. sings "Whatever You Like," cruising around the backlots. Then cue the Numa Numa dance, and on comes Rihanna to duet for "Livin' My Life." She comes off better here than she did during "Disturbia," as there are no glow-sticks, and her cool-as-ice approach immediately cuts through the sample of O Zone's "Dragostea Din Tei."
7:39 p.m.: Christina Aguileria giving "Genie in the Bottle" a bit of rock 'n' roll makeover before she covers Katy Perry's "I Kissed A Girl." Oh wait, never mind, that' Aguileria's new single, "Keeps Getting Better."
7:42 p.m.: Russell Brand starts apologizing for mocking the Jonas Brothers' promise rings, and the Jonas boys actually look somewhat hurt.
7:44 p;.m.: Best new artist goes to Tokio Hotel, beating Katy Perry, Taylor Swift, Miley Cyrus and Jordin Sparks. Bit of a surprise to see the glammy pop-punk band take it. Maybe Universal had its interns working overtime on the text messaging.
7:50 p.m.: This Travis Barker/DJ AM thing is thankfully confined to the commercial breaks. Not even LL Cool J can save that thing.
7:52 p.m.: Paris Hilton arrives to hpye her new MTV show, which was already name-checked once in this blog, and that's more than needed.
7:53 p.m.: The Britney comeback continues!!!! She wins for best pop video. "This little Moon Man is cool," she says. She thanks God for the second time, and add her label this time around.
7:54 p.m.: Lupe Fiaco performs "Superstar," in what is instantly the most compelling live moment of the show, but then it's interrupted by a Taco Bell ad behind him.
8:00 p.m.: To the commenters who are upset about the Russell Brand's political jokes, here's some Kid Rock to even things out for you, with his Skynyrd-sampling bundle of fake American nostalgia "All Summer Long."
8:08 p.m.: Kanye West to be performing a new song. So for those on the West Coast looking for a reason to DVR the show, and wondering what to fast forward to, pretty much just the Kanye performance that closes out the show.
8:10 p.m.: Britney cannot win video of the year. Britney cannot win video of the year. Britney cannot win video of the year. Britney cannot win video of the year. Britney cannot win video of the year. Britney cannot win video of the year. Britney cannot win video of the year.
8:11 p.m.: Britney wins.
8:12 p.m.: Wow, MTV. How desperate are you to have some sort of star back? Pathetic.
8:13 p.m.: Kanye singing"Love Lockdown." So what, Herbie Hancock wasn't available to debut some new jazz interpretations of pop songs?
8:17 p.m.: "Love Lockdown:" Kanye almost approaches singing in the song, which is sparse, based on a vintage, jazzy piano line, and slowly builds, thanks to an arsenal of drums. It doesn't end the show with a bang, but instead gives the MTV VMAs some actual art.
8:23 p.m.: Perez Hilton is interviewed, and confessed he voted for Britney three times. People vote on these things? They're not just engineered with record labels as promotional gifts? Huh, one would never know, as the 2008 MTV VMAs were about little more than setting up a comeback for Britney Spears, although she did little more than walk around and not flub her lines. But the best performance of the evening goes to Kanye, followed closely by 10 seconds of Lupe Fiaco, followed closely by the Rihanna/T.I. pairing. But did anything happen tonight that will be talked about tomorrow? Maybe a bad promise ring joke or two, but nothing that made me forget about the horrific lose by the Chicago Cubs earlier in the day. Till next music awards.
