Sunday makeovers: "Presents" from mother

Every Sunday, help me turn fugly old stuff into stylish green stuff. Or at least try to.

You may think your mama gives you the worst holiday gifts, but you're wrong.

This year, my mama got me hi-rise granny undies -- in a 3-pack, no less. In pastel colors.

They are a lot like the undies Bridget Jones wears, except these have no slimming properties. They are just very large for no particular reason.

While I understand that the model in the photo still looks hot, I think we can agree that the hotness is not due to the granny undies.

Most of my pants don't even go that high. They are not super-low-rise pants. They are just not granny sweatpants.

No, these panties are not eco-friendly whatsoever. But that is the least of my complaints.

Lest you think that this year's gift from my mama was an anomaly, lemme show you what I got from her last year:

My mama gives me things I never knew even existed. Is there an entire subculture of people out there who enjoy wearing cheap blue knitted socks with the head of a girl with blond pigtails on it?

If you look at the pic carefully, you'll see these socks are for girls ages 9 - 11.

Last year, I was 28.

What is the meaning of these "gifts"? Be careful what you don't ask for? It's the lack of thought that counts? Develop a very large ass while shrinking feet?

No, it's not a money issue. My mama always includes a check for a few hundred bucks with her gifts. The check, perhaps, is the real gift. Koreans often give cash gifts.

It's not a passive-aggressive thing to show her dislike of me. My mama's a rather blithely social person who is rather desperate for approval and company, especially from her daughters.

My best guesses: Maybe she just has very bad taste. Yet I'm not sure how bad taste account for socks meant for pre-teens. Or maybe, since the money's the real gift, she sees occasions like birthdays and holidays as opportunities to unload unfortunate gifts she's amassed....

The undies, being brand new, will hopefully find a new home via Freecycle. What I need advice about are the socks. Is there some way to recycle and salvage these into something new and useful? Let me add that the blond heads are synthetically glued, not sewn, on --

Lastly: Here's a guide to eco-friendly panties.

Photos by Siel

Comments

[James]

"What I need advice about are the socks. Is there some way to recycle and salvage these into something new and useful?"

Start a sock puppet theater group?

[Siel]

Ha! Well, actually, I think one of my Stitch n Bitch books has knitting instructions for finger puppets -- and my mama runs a pre-school! Is a re-knitted then re-gifted present in order?!

[Aaron Mischler]

I think that you could put those socks in a competition with the CalTrans building for "ugliest thing in LA" and the socks would probably win. Good luck finding a use for them, I'm at a loss.

[kaleberg]

How about turning the socks into building insulation? Green builders are using old denim for this purpose; wouldn't wool (I hope it's wool) be even better?

[James]

Oh, on your granny panties;

I saw a cheeky documentary about the European sex industry, and these two Swedish guys had a business selling "used" women's undies in some of the seedier publications.

The "used" part was achieved with a drained can of tuna, a little aloevera, and some food coloring. They'd take out an ad with a picture of a hot looking Swedish woman, and the caption: "Hi, my name is Inger, would you like to buy my panties?"

They were making big bucks at it.

[Emma]

Actually, 9-11 is the sock size range that they fit. Average women's socks are all sized 9-11. (You can google it.) I can't explain the child face, nor can I explain the knitted part.

I'm glad, however, that they made sure we knew that they are Lady Socks. i wonder, however, how one knows the gender of one's socks.

[Haiku]

Wow, you are really mean, your ma gave you a check for "a couple of hundred dollars" and you put her up for public ridicule?

That is so much worse that having a mother who forgot to give you anything, but at least didn't give you a pair of stupid socks or panties you won't wear as a stocking stuffer.

BTW, "9-11" doesn't refer to age, but to sock size.

I am so glad I am not your mother.

[Siel]

The socks are 90% acrylic, 10% nylon. If only they were wool, or at least cotton :P Not sure how well acrylic or nylon works as insulation....

Emma -- Good to know about the size 9 - 11 thing! They may be ugly, but they at least would fit! I think the gender was assigned based on the name of the socks, which appears to be Sophia :P

Haiku -- I'm so glad you're not my mother either, and hope you're not anyone's mom. Hope the bitterness you direct at strangers is somewhat mitigated in the new year --

[James]

Haiku, I suggest you NEVER watch a Margaret Cho comedy routine.

You will be truly horrified!

That evil, evil, person has been known to tell funny stories about her parents, (read, hold up for ridicule), while they are seated in that very audience.

Strangely, her parents laugh rght along with the rest of the audience. Maybe they have a sense of humor. Maybe you should develop one.

[Summer]

Ha! Those socks are the best. I like the finger pupped idea re-knit, re-gift.

My grandma used to wrap up stuff from her shelf and give it to me for Christmas (no new resources!). One time I got a very dusty swan figurine that was three inches tall. I laughed my head off (afterwards) and then used the swan to decorate my fish tank - made me smile year round.

And Haiku - chill out dude. Siel's a good kid.

[Siel]

I'm just going to have to figure out if the socks can be successfully unraveled, considering the glue that's used to stick the head on, and those gummy things at the bottom of the foot that're supposed to keep the wearer from slipping. Will keep you updated on the puppet process :)