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Tremendous research identifies ideal candidate to purchase Dodgers; hope I don't have to sell the Accord

December 17, 2010 |  8:07 am

That's right, I’m thinking about buying the Dodgers.

Why not? Everybody else seems to be.

Steve Garvey wants to do it. Larry King is thinking about it. Dennis Gilbert and Mark Cuban have reportedly considered it. Brewers owner Mark Attanasio and Red Sox owner Tom Werner, who both call Los Angeles home, could be interested.

Jamie McCourt said she can buy out Frank McCourt. Frank may be forced to buy out Jamie.

Everybody seems to be thinking about buying the Dodgers. It’s just so fashionable, would you want to be left out?

Apparently, all that’s necessary is to put together an investment group. What could be so hard about that? I know people who know people. Heck, got a guy in my Rotisserie League that always seems to have a wad of 20s. And he brings beer to the draft. He’s flush.

Actually, his team always reeks. I need knowledgeable baseball people. Check that: I need a bunch of baseball ignoramuses, so I can be Supreme Blue Commander.

What, you really think I would do a worse job operating the Dodgers? Am I not the guy who said don’t sign Andruw Jones and to absolutely never trade catcher Carlos Santana? Anyway, pretty sure that was me.

Listen, everybody wants in. And the funny thing is, they’re not even for sale! Frank said he’s hanging on to the Dodgers no matter what you think, at least until finally passing them on to his kids.

Of course, by then his kids will have been paid so much money by the Dodgers for not working for them, doubt they’ll be interested. Plus, they’ll probably inherit a few side-by-side mansions each. Like they’d have the time or interest.

So everyone is scrambling to get in line for a team that’s not for sale. While the country is still coming out of the Great Recession, which also happens to be the tagline to the Dodgers’ 2010 season.

How’d this happen? In 2003, News Corp. couldn’t unearth a local buyer. Some might say they couldn’t find a buyer. At least not one with actual cash to put down.

Now the value of the club has almost doubled in six years and everybody and my mother wants to buy the Dodgers. Hey, wait, my mother has a reverse mortgage. My investment group is blossoming by the minute.

When it became apparent that the McCourts’ offer to purchase the Dodgers was so leveraged they didn’t have enough moola to buy a Starbucks franchise, Eli Broad belatedly stepped forward and said he’d buy the team if the McCourts’ bid wasn’t deemed acceptable.

Major League Baseball, in all its wisdom, turned the local billionaire down and went with the cash-strapped McCourts. And you actually think I’d have trouble getting approval?

A couple more investors, and this baby is rolling. How hard could it be? Peter O’Malley already said he would help transition in a new owner, though after all those years of telling O’Malley what to do, that might be awkward for me.

Whatever, I’m feeling it now. Just like everybody else in town.

-- Steve Dilbeck

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