Predicting the Dodgers’ season: Take it to the bank

This article was originally on a blog post platform and may be missing photos, graphics or links. See About archive blog posts.

Here are 25 things I absolutely guarantee will happen with the Dodgers this season. If they do, be sure to sing my praises. If they don’t, I never wrote a word of it:

1) Clayton Kershaw (pictured at right) really will emerge as an ace. And he’s left-handed and just turned 22.

2) Before the season is out, Matt Kemp will be romantically linked to Miley Cyrus, Kim Kardashian and Kate Gosselin.

3) Blake DeWitt will go through a slump by mid-May, Joe Torre will send him back to the minors and play Ronnie Belliard and Jamey Carroll, which is what I sensed he always really wanted.

4) Ronald Belisario will be called up before the month is out. And then not be admitted to Dodger Stadium by a security card because he forgot his ID.

5) The elephant in the ballpark, the McCourt Divorce, will only grow as a distracting story. No one in management will really say what they’re thinking: His failure to land another starting pitcher will cost us the pennant.

6) Casey Blake will grow his beard back the first time he goes into a slump.

7) Vicente Padilla will go the entire season without starting a bean war or turning his teammates against him. Risky, I know, but going with my gut.

8) When the Giants come to town, mental midgets without an ounce of creativity in their souls will continue to chant ‘Giants suck’ and think it’s really clever.

9) Jason Repko will land with another team, be called up by May and prove a valuable fourth outfielder on a contending team. OK, I’m really not predicting this, just hoping.

10) Manny Ramirez won’t last the week without finally talking to the media again. Coincidentally, he returns to form at the plate.

11) Jamie McCourt will buy a ticket to a game at Dodger Stadium and then ask Frank McCourt for additional spousal support to cover the cost.

12) The average length of a game every time knuckleballer Charlie Haeger starts will be 30 minutes longer than those he does not.

13) Hong-Chih Kuo will return to the bullpen and then be shut down with a sore elbow. Oh, come on, you gotta give me one easy one.

14) Eric Stults will be lights out in Japan and win its version of the Cy Young, the Sawamura Award. The Dodgers will try to re-sign him, but he’ll tell them, ‘No, thank you.’

15) Torre still won’t ask Manny to cut his hair. The Joe Beimel Rule dies.

16) Josh Lindblom will be called up mid-July and won’t leave the rotation for the rest of the year.

17) Kemp will be romantically linked to Lady Ga-Ga, Megan Fox and Whoopi Goldberg.

18) James Loney still won’t hit for power, but he’ll drive in 100 runs.

19) Dodger Stadium, third oldest park in baseball, will continue to be its most beautiful.

20) Larry Bowa, age 64, will still show more fire than anyone on the team.

21) Andre Ethier will follow his career year with another career year.

22) Vin Scully will announce he’s coming back for another season, and for a moment, all will be right in the world.

23) Jamie McCourt will announce that ‘Project Jamie’ lives, but her presidential campaign will die a quick death when she’s reminded voters just have this thing about candidates who haven’t paid any taxes for six years.

24) Torre, who’s directed teams for Ted Turner, the Busch family, George Steinbrenner and the McCourts, announces he’s starting a new foundation to support battered managers.

25) The Dodgers finish three games back of the Rockies and miss the playoffs.

-- Steve Dilbeck