Charlie Sheen as a Just Chill beverage spokesman?

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After being fired from ‘Two and a Half Men,’ Charlie Sheen’s hypothetical return to his “normal” job is no longer an option. Beggars can’t be choosers, but fortunately for him, an opportunity has fallen into his hands. A beverage called Just Chill, advertised as an “alert relaxation stress relief” drink and alternative energy beverage to Redbull, has offered him $3 million to be their spokesman.

The brand’s general manager, Russell Fager, mused that it would do Sheen good to calm down and take the beverage’s slogan “live above the noise” to heart. ‘It is obvious that Sheen needs to relax. We’ve watched him spiral out of control and accompanied by treatment, we think Just Chill will help him focus on whatever his next steps turn out to be.”

However, the contract stipulates that Sheen consent to a 30-day in-house rehab treatment at his “Sober Valley Lodge” home, avoiding any media appearances for that month. But without drugs and media attention, would he still need an ‘alert relaxation stress relief’ drink at all?

-- Max Diamond