Slowing my roll with Drank Extreme Relaxation Beverage
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More than a month ago, I received two ominous-looking 16-ounce purple cans of Drank Extreme Relaxation Beverage in the mail. It is interesting to note that although I have absolutely no problem slamming back several cans of Red Bull in an afternoon and riding a jittery, amphetamine-like wave of manufactured energy straight into the evening, I was strangely afraid of Drank and it’s self-professed mission to ‘slow’ my ‘roll.’
When I want to relax I just add vodka to my Red Bull, so Drank -- with it’s witches brew of valerian root, melatonin and rose hips -- seemed unnecessary. The cans sat in my refrigerator for weeks. When bedtime rolled around I’d look at them, but become disturbed by how many times I might have to get up to use the bathroom if I drank a can before bed. And I definitely wasn’t going to drink it during the day. This resistance to daytime use of a relaxant was also odd for me, as I used to have a Xanax prescription that I heartily enjoyed when the sun was out. (What? I had anxiety issues.)
Then Drank came out with Drank Deuce, a 2-ounce baby bottle of the beverage in super-concentrated form. Somehow that seemed more manageable. So one night while I was watching ‘Against All Odds’ on Netflix and Jeff Bridges was making steamy love to Rachel Ward, I knocked one back.
It tasted slightly bittersweet, like the sweat from a can of grape soda. I brushed my teeth immediately and returned to bed.
Fifteen-minutes later the film became oddly gripping. James Woods had Bridges in his office above the Palace on Hollywood and Vine. He sneered at him and said, ‘What the hell made you think you could handle Jessie? I bet you used to bring her home flowers.’
That’s when Bridges replies, ‘No, you don’t have to do that when you’re living in the jungle. You just take her outside and show her what tree you’re going to do it under tonight. Hell, we had lots of trees.’
I laughed but my laugh felt sluggish. I grabbed the remote control to rewind the magical scene when it occurred to me that my hands felt far away from my body. I leapt out of bed, only it was more like a slow-motion leap and I didn’t actually get out of bed. I just kind of rolled on my side and laughed some more. When I finally got up and padded to the bathroom I checked myself out in the mirror and noted that my eyelids resembled half-drawn shades, I also looked kind of cute.
Sadly, this goofiness didn’t last long, it faded, the way all things do when they are introduced into your body via some kind of nonorganic substance that probably shouldn’t be there in the first place. I slept fitfully, but my mouth was a bit dry in the morning. I’m not sure if I will drink Drank again, I’m also not sure how much of my reaction to it was power of suggestion. (I am highly susceptible to suggestion, just ask my doctor, and my ex-boyfriend, and my mother.)
Still, Drank is gaining traction in an otherwise super-caffeinated market, with Time magazine running a story about it earlier this year (taking note of the fact that the name Drank has its roots in Houston’s hip-hop scene) and Fox news writing that some who use it are comparing it to ‘weed in a can.’
I wouldn’t go that far, but it will chill you out and make whatever movie you’re watching a touch more engaging. Lets just hope the local convenience store doesn’t start shelving Drank directly next to Red Bull. That’s one combination I don’t want to know anything about.
-- Jessica Gelt
