Red Bull's new cola disappoints, naturally

When a four-pack of the new Red Bull Cola arrived in my editor's mailbox, he kindly passed it off to us plebeians in the bullpen. I was the most excited of all because I consume Red Bull with almost anything (read: vodka, jagermeister, breakfast cereal…). We cracked open our slender 12-ounce cans and began to chug, anticipating an afternoon spent cranking out fresh copy at warp speed.

"This tastes like Heidi Montag's tears," said one of my co-workers. Disappointment set in almost immediately as I realized: Red Bull Cola has no taurine. It's as befuddling as it sounds. The only caffeine it contains is derived naturally from coffee beans. It has about 10 milligrams more caffeine than either Pepsi or Coke, but that's still about 30 milligrams less than regular Red Bull, and about 50 milligrams less than what it takes for us to start making some bad decisions.

"Why a cola from Red Bull?" asks the drink's pamphlet. "Why not?" it answers. Well, Red Bull, I'll tell you why not. Because you're Red Bull. Your sole job is to lift the world's 21-year-old Tri Delt alumnae onto a fleeting wave of tooth-rotting adrenaline.

And what's with the all-natural ingredient list? It reads like the bulk bin roster at my local food co-op: kola nut, clove, cinnamon, cardamom, pine, vanilla, ginger, mace, licorice, cacao, mustard seed. Mustard seed? Really? I expect zero purity from the Red Bull brand. I want it to initiate slow-speed car chases down Cahuenga Boulevard on Friday nights, not gently remove the toxins I work so hard to maintain in my bloodstream.

A 12-ounce can retails for about $1.50. Beyond tee-totaling final-exam-takers, I'm not sure who this drink will appeal to.

--Jessica Gelt

Photo: August Brown / Los Angeles Times

Comments

[Sam]

This review is honestly based on nothing at all. Just because its from a company that makes energy drinks doesn't mean it needs to be a chemical slurry that will kill you in a couple of days. I love the fact that its natural. Some facts that prove your review is horrible: 1. Its an acquired taste, like energy drinks 2. Caffeine diesnt need to be at an extremely high dose in drinks, thats what coffee is for. 3. I like the taste compared to Red Bull or even Coke or Pepsi. Its not an insane amount of sweet, just right, almost slightly spicy (not hot, flavorful). Come on, give a drink a chance and not just throw it on the ground and curse the ground it fell on because its not what you expect from a brand that normally poisons people

[NM]

I agree why do you seem to disparage it for being all-natural? Is that what we've come to as a society? No wonder we're seeing all these diseases no one can even diagnose and/or figure out why rates are skyrocketing for...we put **** in our bodies and it's catching up to us.

Did you not catch the washington post report that said up to 33% or more of big name products containing high fructose corn syrup also had MERCURY in them? When i go to buy a drink my first worry is whether or not im putting something toxic in my body.

Taste is second. and you know what this doesnt hit you like a ton of bricks like regular red bull but it tastes amazing when you get used to it and pick out the individual flavors. too bad more people dont buy this cuz it woul lead to a much-needed soda revolution. BOYCOTT HCFS!

[hs]

who has the last laugh now?

[Aaron Carlisle]

Jessica Gelt, get a real job cause you suck at reviewing. No where on the can or the box does it say its an energy drink. So why expect it to give you the same boost as regular red bull. The only thing disappointing about red bull cola is your review.

[david hall]

I like it. It doesn't taste like regular Red Bull because it's NOT. Why doesn't Sprite taste like Coke? It's a DIFFERENT product. Compare Red BUll cola to Coke. It's much lighter and clean tasting and refreshing. GREAT STUFF!

[HJ]

I have to say that I love the stuff for its taste. Caffeine content is fairly irrelevant to me. In fact, I kind of dig the fact that it doesn't make me shake the way original Red Bull does.

[mombus]

Hmmmm. I disagree with the review. I love the fact that I can identify all of the ingredients in this cola - and find them at a store. Finally, a cola I'm willing to put into my body. And... I LOVE mixing it with Bacardi Limon!! Yummy!

[Kbomb]

Sounds like a downer of a drink. Why tarnish a good thing?

[Jenson Button]

I don't like regular Red Bull, but this Red Bull Cola is really good. I highly recommend it. Get it. Drink it. Love it.