Junk food fumbles for laughs in Super Bowl commercials [UPDATED]

People who aren't into sports (or pretend they aren't) often get away with watching the game by claiming it's the commercials they're interested in. I'm one such person, taking my bathroom and snack breaks during the game, and hoping for a commercial that will really make me laugh while everyone else is raiding the fridge. This year, I paid special attention to the food- and drink-related commercials, which were grouped into four unhealthful categories: chips, soda, beer and fast food.

The award for most creepy goes to Cheetos. The spot is shot at a scruffy coffee shop where a superficial girl who clearly doesn't belong in the Valley of the Unkempt and Artsy rambles on her cellphone to some other elitist snob about how "ugly" everyone around her is. The camera pans to the cartoon character Chester the Cheetah, who sports an oh-so-boho goatee and glasses. With a sinister smirk, he inexplicably helps set loose a flock of pigeons on the cafe's unwelcome guest.

The Bud commercials featuring the famous Clydesdales were completely inane, filled with failed horse jokes and a strange homage to early-American immigrant horse families. After seeing the Clydesdales bow down to the altered Manhattan skyline (in an almost unbelievable act of commercial crassness) during the Super Bowl that followed Sept. 11, you'd think I'd stop being surprised at how irritated the company's commercials make me.

Pepsi laid claim to the most commercials, none of which were particularly witty. One matched hackneyed pop culture imagery with a duet of "Forever Young" featuring (gasp) Bob Dylan and Will.i.am. Coke's most vivid offering showed humans turning into digital characters every time they picked up their cellphones, an image that hits a bit too close to home in today's hyper-connected world, and one that doesn't at all make me want to drink a caramel-colored, carbonated beverage.

Doritos bought a few spots as well, and their first commercial was the only one that made me chuckle (despite myself). It starts with a guy with some kind of depressing office job standing in front of a Doritos vending machine and staring into a snow globe. He tells a co-worker that the globe can predict the future, adding that it had just predicted there would be free Doritos that afternoon. Then he throws the globe into the vending machine, smashing it. OK, that's not funny. The punchline comes when his co-worker stares into the globe and asks it if he's going to get that promotion he's been gunning for. Without looking, he winds up and unwittingly tosses the globe directly at his boss. OK, that's not really funny either, but the commercial apparently won USA Today's Super Bowl ad meter poll, setting the bar for success very low, indeed.

There were also ads from Taco Bell, Chili's and Heineken, none of which were particularly memorable. The only effect this onslaught of junk-food ads had on me was making me want to eat a giant bowl of fresh kale. Which I did, posthaste.

Updated, 6:08 p.m. An earlier version of this post said that an ad featuring humans turning into digital characters was for Pepsi, but it was actually a Coke ad. We regret the error.

-- Jessica Gelt

Photo: Alicia Hansen / Bloomberg News

Comments

[Tim]

jtls: I wasn't arguing merit. I was arguing success of message :) It doesn't really matter who owns them, or even if their product is made in the U.S. It's all about what they've managed to get their target demographic to believe.

[Damo]

I wish Google News hadn't put a link to this column on it's homepage. I just wasted a couple of minutes reading a very bad take on the commercials, none of which were amazing, but many of which were pretty funny. Jessica, you ate kale after this? Where are you, north-western Germany (yes, I went to wikipedia)?Are you unaware of the meaning of the word "crass?" And the funny part of the Doritos commercial came right when you said it didn't, when he chucked the sno-globe into the vending machine.

The first commercial of the game ("Maybe we should stop ordering Bud Light for all these meetings") was the best of the night.

[Unanimous]

As Bill Hicks would say.. Marketers should all just go kill themselves. No, I'm sorry, eat the poison they sell you as food, and then take the drugs which they call medicine and watch grown men play ball games and pretend it's something important. Turn the tv off and read a book on human consciousness. It may just save your soul.

[jtls]

Tim Servinsky: Budweiser is now owned by a Belgian company.

[kms]

It is a sad commentary on our culture when once a year we rejoice in commercials which we deem merely "watchable." Corporations have lowered the bar to the point that when they actually provide tolerable advertisements, crafted with a modicum of care, we write about the experience.

[Tim Servinsky]

Though the ads didn't speak to me directly, I thought the Budweiser spots were absolutely brilliant. They nailed their target demographic.

Think of how they portrayed the Clydesdales in these not-so-subtle "Buy American" ads. They rode the 'buy American'/anti-foreign sentiment capitalizing on domestic economic fears amidst astronomic job losses. They pulled on all the right strings- son of immigrants, tradition, American-made... and they managed to incorporate humor to boot. I'm not a Bud--or even a beer-- fan, but these spots were very well-done.

[Dennis]

Well, ain't we just all so-fist-ti-kated. Pat yourself on the back for knowing how to spell kale. You and BO are the two people in the country concerned with how expensive arugula has become in the Whole Earth store.

[Darren]

Jessica - do you realize that the Doritos ad you referenced was shot by amateurs as part of a contest - in fact the two brothers that shot this were unemployed - they won 1 million. Not bad considering they were up against 'pros'.

[Al]

After seeing the Clydesdales bow down to the altered Manhattan skyline (in an almost unbelievable act of commercial crassness) during the Super Bowl that followed Sept. 11, you'd think I'd stop being surprised at how irritated the company's commercials make me.

Some peoples "commercial crassness) are other peoples outstanding tribute I personally still get choked up trying to describe that commercial to people who have never seen it. Hope you didn't have a difficult time getting the pigeon poop out of your hair

[FullFlava]

"Pepsi laid claim to the most commercials... One featured humans turning into digital characters"

This was a Coke ad, FYI.