Should Batman relocate to Los Angeles?

Just for fun, here's the story I would like to be writing today....

LOS ANGELES -- In a stunning development, Batman announced today that he was leaving Gotham and would soon relocate to the Los Angeles area.

In a short statement released to the media, Batman wrote: "It's time to reinvent myself. The days may be bright and sunny but the nights are about to become very, very dark."

Sources close to the Dark Knight said he had been ruminating on such a move for quite some time, but the tipping point came when the New York State Police recently wrote him a ticket for lane-splitting on the Batpod on the Taconic State Parkway. Lane-splitting on motorcycles is legal in California.

Sources close to the Dark Knight cited several other considerations. The most important is that  the violent crime rate is slightly higher in Los Angeles than in New York, according to preliminary FBI data for 2007.

Mobility, too, is rumored to have played an important part in Batman's decision. "If you can't get there, you can't crack some goon's rib cage in half with one lovely punch," said one source close to the Caped Crusader.

Although the Los Angeles area ranked worst in the Texas Transportation Institute's annual rankings of congestion, the New York/Gotham area wasn't far behind in the No. 16 slot. But recent news reports have shown that traffic is down slightly across some parts of the region and that Batman is closely watching a proposal in L.A. County to raise the sales tax to build many more miles of subway and light rail.

"Look, everyone knows there is no place more cinematic to beat the snot out of some thug than on a train," said another source close to Batman.

But some in the Superhero community say that other consideratinos have come into play -- and that Gotham has long posed difficult challenges because of the often jammed bridges and tunnels required to enter the island upon which it sits.

Los Angeles, on the other hand, does not pose such geographic hurdles. And while traffic is bad, Batman apparently feels that it moves sufficiently well in the late night hours that it won't prevent him from chasing criminal elements around town.

In particular, Batman is said to have closely studied the most recent Caltrans traffic volume data and found that a route such as the 2 Freeway -- long considered a best-kept secret by locals -- is carrying less than half the number of cars as other Southland freeways. The 2 connects L.A. with La Canada-Flintridge, where large homes remain relatively cheap by Gotham standards and the hilly location could make an ideal spot for hiding secret lairs. The old Bronson Caves, pictured at left, in the Hollywood Hills are also said to be available.

The same source, however, said Batman does have deep concerns about the Santa Monica Freeway. "We looked at the Caltrans data and that thing is a mess almost all the time," the source said. "I definitely think it could be a problem, but Batman has shown a way of rising to the occasion."

There are complications, however. When The Times asked the California Highway Patrol recently if Batman would be eligible to use HOV lanes, the CHP responded that it remains far from certain that the Batmobile or Batpod is even street legal. CHP spokesman Tom Marshall wrote in an e-mail:

"First of all, the CHP and DMV would have to decide whether the Batmobile is street legal to drive in any lane of our roadways. If it is ruled to be street legal, Batman, like any lawman, would have to follow the rules of the road, which include no flying of the vehicle...

"A law enforcement officer can use the HOV lanes when responding alone to an emergency call, but not just to patrol. Of course to be considered a law enforcement officer Batman would have to do more than don a cape and mask. He would have to become certified at a minimum through the Peace Officer Standards and Training, not to mention attending a government-certified police academy. You don't learn a lot about law enforcement by hanging around a cave in black leotards."

Marshall did hold out the possibility that Batman could use the carpool lanes -- if, for example, he was to adopt a crime-fighting partner.

It also remains to be seen what the reaction is from the law enforcement community. The Los Angeles area has historically been home to relatively few superheroes -- although Iron Man has set up camp in Malibu -- and police here have a history of not welcoming outside scrutiny. On the other hand, the Los Angeles Police Department has been involved in several high-profile scandals over the years in which officers were accused of doling out vigilante-style justice.

In a statement, Los Angeles City Attorney Rocky Delgadillo said creating a partnership with Batman raises several issues:

"It's important to keep in mind that Batman doesn't have any inherent superpowers -- he's just a rich guy who can buy a cave and a whole bunch of gadgets.

"If we gave Batman a pass, then we'd have to do the same for all the other captains of industry.

"In terms of creating a legal framework under which superheroes could operate, we'd start with one fundamental principle: they have to be real superheroes.

"Superman, Aquaman, even the Wonder Twins, would hit this mark ('activate in the form of an ice gang injunction...') -- but if we draw the legal line at Batman, then we risk the prospect of [former L.A. mayor] Dick Riordan moving to a cave in Brentwood, and running all over Los Angeles in spandex....we can't take that risk."

Of course, there are other aspects of the environment here that Batman could find inviting. There are sufficient hours of darkness throughout the year in the Southland because of its location in the Pacific time zone and the frequent marine layer should allow for good viewing of the Bat signal from many locales.

And, said another source, there is something else:

"Don't assume he's always fighting crime. This guy likes the ladies and with that car and that bike, I would imagine he won't be lacking for company at breakfast, if you know what I mean." 

Editorial note to readers: The quotes from Tom Marshall of the CHP and the office of City Attorney Rocky Delgadillo are real. I asked them to play along with my working thesis and they graciously did. The other quotes from 'sources' are the product of my imagination, for better or worse.

-- Steve Hymon

Top and middle photos: Warner Bros.

Cave photo: Ringo H.W. Chiu / For The Times

Batmobile photo: David Banks / Getty Images

Comments

[Bart Reed]

Batman weekend gross: $155,000,000
Subway 1/2 mile: $150,000,000
Light Rail 2 miles: $170,000,000

[Spokker]

The Batman story doesn't bother me. There's no news on the weekend anyway. But the daily gas price watches are kind of annoying. Like the guy said, this is a transit blog. If we wanted to find out where the lowest gas prices are we'll head over the unsustainable living blog.

[WestAngelino]

Seriously? This is on the transportation blog? The page has really been "dumbed down" with stories about Batman, cheapest gas locations and being passed by Smart cars. I really miss the content from the previous writer. The blog used to be about big projects, rail lines, freeways, subways, development projects, etc. What happened to the focus on strategic thinking in the LA basin?

[Svetik Savishna]

Did you see the movie? I was pissed off when they were filming because I hate detours. In Chicago we treat celebs and hollywood filmakers like they should be treated -- as Inconveniences!

The new Batman was AMAZNG! I didn't even want to leave my seat to pee! I'm cynic down to the core and have little interest in any films that are too Hollywood, or cheesy effects. Real-life/ people action and/or period films get my juices going. However --This film was the greatest of the Batman films.

Okay I think I got little too excited in the opening sequence when they slided out of the Chase building at 300 S. Riverside onto the old main Post Office.
Maybe I gave extra kudos because my heart was made joyful in seeing a Chase building's window destroyed and blowed out like that.
(Chase is an evil machine-like entity)

About Batman moving to California -- I can see him In San Diego. However...a small happy city like San Diego does not need a caped crusader. No! Jerks!

You Californians make me sick! Always happy and able to partake in year-rond outings. No Rain, lots of sunshine converting vitamin D into cholesterol which becomes the precursor to steroid hormones.

Be satisfied with your perfect weather and mountains, forests, ocean, deserts, scenic coastal highways and Knotts berry Farm!! Do you have any idea what I'd do, just to get some boysenberry pie?! Do you?

Chicago is Gotham City. I am a jaded Chicagoan and... I'm movig to San Diego

Chicago is Gotham City -- we have the exciting mix of new and century old architecture, lighting and city.

The day Batman is cruisng around a hollywood town with flourescent lights and Palm trees is the day I disown him. Batman has soul - Gotham -- Chicago has soul. There is no place in a city serving as an entertainment industry city filled with unfriendly self-involved people.

IF I SEE ANOTHER FILM WITH JESSICA ALBA WEARING BLUE CONTACTS -- I AM GOING TO RIOT AND PERSONALLY GIVE AWAY BOOTLEGS OF THE FILM!

I ALSO INTEND TO RIOT IF THE WHITE SOX LET GO OF CARLOS QUENTIN! He's from California -- and he belongs to us now.

The End

[Svetik Savishna]

Why would you even dare imply Batman leave a city with such stunning architecture and history for an overrated, overpriced, polluted and crowded cest pool such as Los Angeles.

Los Angeles is for Jerks and Lesbians!!!

[Gloworm]

The only crime is that I just payed money to see this crap. This is the worst and most desperately hyped trash of the year. The only good reviews I'm reading seem to be industry insider sites or marketing heavy boards. Man, they really turned Batman from a great work of fiction to a gruesome piece of junk and slapped a label on it.

[Marshall]

Love that Rocky pimps the Wonder Twins in his quote.

[Tommy]

"Outside of the usual entertainment media, the consensus from the general public is that this new movie is a plotless, terribly acted rip-off."

Um, no. I don't know which "general public" you are referring to, because every review site I've seen that has reviews from the public is giving The Dark Knight outstanding marks. Check out these sites for a small sampling:
www.rottentomatoes.com/m/the_dark_knight/
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0468569/
http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/1809271891/user

[The_Main_Street_Avenger]

Outside of the usual entertainment media, the consensus from the general public is that this new movie is a plotless, terribly acted rip-off waste of money and 3 hours of your viewing life, so that tells me I should keep hold of my cash and wait for something else better to come along. No contest.

[Marcos El Malo]

@Joe

Why would he do that? Batman has NO connection to Bruce Wayne, heir to the Wayne fortune and owner of the mansion located in the San Rafael section of Pasadena.

(Not to mention he'd probably have to use the often congested and antiquated 110 freeway more often than the 2. Wait, i take that back. He could hop on the 134, and it's less than two exits to the ramp to the 2 freeway.)

[A.]

Steve, I think you left out a few important reasons Batman should relocate to L.A.:
1) Here, he could wear a color other than black. 2) He could meet his long-lost siblings outside Mann's Chinese Theater. 3) We have a much stronger appreciation for cool cars than NY/Gotham does.

[Tommy]

So this is what happens when a Batman geek becomes a traffic geek?

LOL, good stuff, Steve.

And to Alex, lighten up!

[jehjeh]

Steve,

Thank for wasting my time with a Los Angeles traffic and crime rate report, that everyone already knows about, masked as a story leading people to believe that the producers may be thinking about moving production and the story to our city.

Joe from a previous post,

Stately Wayne Manor burned down in October of 2005. Do a little research. See link below.

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2005-10-06-wayne-manor_x.htm

[jehjeh]

Steve,

Thank for wasting my time with a Los Angeles traffic and crime rate report, that everyone already knows about, masked as a story leading people to believe that the producers may be thinking about moving production and the story to our city.

Joe from a previous post,

Stately Wayne Manor burned down in October of 2005. Do a little research. See link below.

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2005-10-06-wayne-manor_x.htm

[J]

Not to get all "comic book geek" on you, but are you under the impression that New York and Gotham are the same city, or are located in the same area? Because that is not actually correct.

[James McDouglas]

Let's just make sure that that Robin in the passenger seat isn't really a blow up doll.

Those rich captains of industry can be pretty kinky.

[Rich Gordon]

Great work getting the "official" quotes! Loved it!

[Alex]

Dear Steve,

Please find another line of work. This belongs in a 7th grader's Creative Writing class, not in a paper as good as the L.A. Times. Do a service to yourself and to your colleagues, who acknowledge that there is too much violence, chaos, and turmoil going on in the real world that goes unreported, while articles that have 0 merit in both the artistic and the journalistic sense (such as this one) are still put to print.

If your job says "report on traffic", then you report traffic. You weren't hired to write stuff like this, and it is easy to see why.

On the chance that you were put up to writing this, being the traffic reporter and therefore getting minimal respect around the office, then I would suggest that you grow a pair and either write something worth reading or leave the paper for another one that will value your talent. This has got to serious.

On Behalf of Everyone who is Not Amused,

Alex

[Joe]

Any truth to the rumor that he'll be operating out of the iconic old Wayne Manor - located in Pasadena, just west of the Arroyo Seco and south of Colorado Boulevard?