Watch the Super Bowl, but make sure you mellow out

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Around any holiday we typically get a rash of Debbie Downer press releases filled with dire health-related warnings, such as: ‘Don’t let your kids eat any Halloween candy, it will rot their teeth and make them obese!’ and ‘Christmas trees can cause allergies!’ Such missives make us wonder if we’re really supposed to enjoy the holidays and special occasions, or just fear them.

We thought the Super Bowl would be immune to red-flag alerts, save for a few pitches on how to make healthful party food that doesn’t cause a 15-pound weight gain. We were wrong.

‘Anger can kill Super Bowl fans,’ reads a release we just received, ‘a non-invasive heart test can prevent anger-induced cardiac death.’

What might be the catalyst for such fury, you ask? According to the release, two studies ‘suggest’ that people with any form of heart disease who get worked up enough if their team loses the Super Bowl might suddenly keel over. That is, of course, unless they have a certain non-invasive heart test beforehand (the subject of the pitch) to determine if they’re at risk. If not, it could be the end zone.

While we can’t say for sure that some people haven’t had an anger-induced death after their team has lost, we sure hope that doesn’t happen on Sunday. And for those of you who think you may be prone to uncontrollable, heart-stopping rage but don’t have time for a heart test, in the final moments of the game you may want to go into a quiet room and do some meditation and yoga. Those have been shown in studies to make people feel a lot less stressed.

— Jeannine Stein