Men, women, sex and confusion

When things go wrong during amorous trysts, here's one reason why, hot from the labs of our vaulted ivory towers: According to new research, men frequently misread signals from women that they want to slow down, and women are often indirect in saying what they mean.

"When she says, 'It's getting late,' he may hear, 'So let's skip the preliminaries,' " says UC Davis professor Michael Motley, according to a release by the university. "The problem is he is interpreting what she said by trying to imagine what he would mean -- and the only reason he can imagine saying, 'It's getting late' while making out is to mean, 'Let's speed things up.' "

Motley's technical term for this, should anyone wish to bandy the term around at home: "faulty male introspection."

Motley's findings are based on surveys of male and female undergraduates. He investigated their reactions to 16 common "female resistance messages" -- and found that the subtle ones fall flat. Telling a man "let's be friends" as a brushoff was as likely to be interpreted as 'keep going' as 'stop,' " he found. Also unclear was the statement, "I'm seeing someone else." 

Men did clearly understand direct messages such as "Let's stop this," however. (The study wasn't examining cases of rape where a man might understand a message but choose to ignore it, according to the release.) And though women often opt for subtlety out of fear of hurting a man's feelings, Motley has also found that men tend to readily accept these more-direct messages.

The findings were published in the 2008 book Motley edited called "Studies in Applied Interpersonal Communication" -- a title not guaranteed, we fear, to send it zipping to the top of popular bestseller lists. It's due out any day.

--Rosie Mestel

Photo:  TommY Gunn, (from Flickr, Creative Commons license)

Comments

[Unknown]

"Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything in the house."

[Bonnie Lee]

Yeah, he should rename it to the title of your blog. Sure caught my interest.

[caveman]

CAVEMAN SAYS: Us men dumb .... not get basic signals from cavegirls. Men good only for hunting food. Cannot hear, speak, think well.

Seriously, is this generalized garbage acceptable to anyone other than the dolts in Oprah's audience. Lets say the reverse: women don't know how to act on men's sexual signals and can't figure out how to develop healthy interaction. That type of approach would get the writer a whole lot of abuse from angry ladies. Time for the male bashing to stop.

[Sebastien]

I love this. I truly find it hilarious when people they and use science to explain why guys are guys. Listen girls, we are not dumb animals, we just play dumb at times. We hear you loud and clear but I can say from personal experience that most men will do what it takes to not let the sexual encounter come to a close until we have finished. That is the bottom line. Women just seem to have more control over their sexual urges. Its not our fault, its the testosterone.

[kathrine]

sebastien -

When a girl puts on the yellow light, it's a precursor to a red light. It isn't a, "Well, I think I'd like to stop, but maybe if you floor it all of the sudden I'd be totally into this." So it sounds like your eyes (or all mens', according to you) are able to SEE the yellow light, but somehow the message of "SLOW DOWN" isn't making it from your eyes to your brain. When you (or all men, according to you) see the yellow light, you still think that it is okay to push.

So it sounds like you're the perfect example of a man who doesn't get it.... thanks for commenting!

[Lola]

I don't think the guy is saying men are dumb, I think he is just saying girls and guys interpret things differently....almost like we're speaking different languages. Sebastien, what you said about wanting to head for the finish line once you get started, well that agrees with what the researcher said...you misinterpret things based on your goal, and i am sure his book covers issues the other way around. I know girls misinterpret things all the time...like "meet my friends" to mean "I'm gonna propose soon." (jk, a generalization.)

[paidadvertisement]

This is a half-a* study. Doesn't age have something to do with it too?
not just because the body ages (hormones decline/vary between sexes, for example, it has been proven that women 's sexual peak is in their 30s as men it is earlier..)

Also, culture? Doesn't that make communication styles different. one sided experiement, and report

[Jessica]

Kathrine -

Last time I checked, it's still legal to drive through a yellow light. It's not anyone's job to read your mind or provide you with a happy ending to your fairy tale. A high pressure sales pitch is just that, and you can't fault a guy for going after what he wants. If a girl doesn't have the emotional maturity to say no, then what is she doing in the bedroom in the first place - it's for adults. If you want to play coy, that's fair game as well, but one would think a girl could take responsibility for the consequences.

Sounds like you are a typical woman who's too concerned with being liked to actually say the words 'Can we slow down, I'm uncomfortable.' Thanks for commenting.

Jessica

[allen]

Yes, subtle hints work on us, but not always. Even those of us that respect women still will go after what we want. Women should be subtle at first, but expect us to be persistent. Perhaps they ought not get so easily annoyed, for they can always give a strong signal or say "slow down" a second time.

[johnny99]

Telling is the researcher's label: "faulty male introspection." According to Motley, when women use ambiguous ("subtle") phrases, men misinterpret the intended meaning, but men correctly interpret unambiguous ("direct"). Fine. But the fact that Motley then blames men for the miscommunication is indicative of the researcher's bias and suggests that the study is an exercise in gender politics, not real science.

[Mike Long]

"It's getting late," is womanese for, "It's not time for bed."

[mandy]

Personally, I like it when a guy is direct (not aggressive and occasionally uses subtly) and goes for what he wants because I can be direct too. If I go for what I want honestly and directly albeit slowly, and he goes for what he wants honestly and directly, there should be some grounds for a relationship, communication, maybe companionship. That's all we really want anyway.

You may have heard that in Seattle, men are too afraid to flirt with women b/c the women shoot them down like rabid dogs. That's true and sad really. Too PC and nobody's flirting or romancing. Well, I do, but it's hard when the men are scared and reticent. Too many timid men here!!

[M Groesbeck]

I find the over-generalizing in both the article and comments (and I hope that the supposedly scientifically-sound study being described doesn't make the same set of errors) frankly disturbing. If communication styles (as well as, it seems, many men's unwillingness to consider any variation from their own) were quite so universal along gender lines and quite so absolutely determined by biology, we wouldn't see any individuals able to communicate and listen effectively or any cultures where more effective communication is the norm. As I could easily offer any number of counterexamples...it would seem that the differences described in the article (and we aren't given any indication of how prevalent the described patterns are) have to do with something other than pure biology, and are more flexible than the article and commenters would seem to indicate. That North American men are effectively trained from birth to pay attention to women's desires only as long as they expect some benefit from doing so, and that they are taught that the styles of communication that they are encouraged to adopt are superior, would seem to suggest that there's a degree of social conditioning here, and so the pattern may be changed. It's not a license for men to behave badly; it's just an indication that more often than not we fail to take opportunities to behave well.

[peter4263]

both sexes should say what they mean and act accordingly. enough bs.

[Robert]

It seems strange that men are supposed to understand and respond to female style communication but not the other way around. Hasn't anyone heard about tailoring their message to the audience?

This is familar ground. Hasn't anyone read the books of Deborah Tannen?

[Robert]

This is very similar to the work of Deborah Tannen. Both sexes will do well to tailor their comments to the audience and if that is your partner speak in their language.

I find it's true that "us men" prefur direct communication. I don't know about the rules in dating, I've been married almost 15 years.

[Yassmin]

Everyone communicates differently. While we can make generalizations in regards to sex, the bottom line is that we all communicate differently. Some males are very direct, while some are indirect. Same goes for females. What the research that has been done in this study has proven is that if you clearly state how you feel, it is received. Obviously! When you are intentionally unintentional with your words, another may not interpret them in the way you so desire. Wouldn't the goal be to speak as clearly as you can, to not be misinterpreted or misunderstood by another?

I am not a fan of the term "faulty male introspection" for many reasons. Mainly because it's just as much the person on the other line of communication's fault as it is the man for his faulty male introspection.

Girls (and I say this as one): become a little more secure with yourself and just saying what you fucking mean!

[life's funny]

To Katherine: Your comment in reply to Sebastien actually proves that women think differently than men. I have been married to my husband for 14 years. When I am driving and see a yellow light, I read it as "slow down...prepare to stop." When my husband sees a yellow light, he reads it as "speed up so I won't have to stop."

Men and women ARE different and have different perspectives. On the other hand, human beings - in general - are quite good at hearing what they want to hear.