If I ran the Oscars: Ann Magnuson lets loose

In this interview series, we ask some famous freethinkers to recast the Oscars in their own image. As awards night draws near, let’s bring the season to a conclusion with our returning mistress of ceremonies, actress, writer and performance artist Ann Magnuson.

Ann, welcome back. So tell us: which performers and films are going to win the Oscar this year?

Throughout Oscar history, it is understood that this year is so-and-so’s “time.”  It’s pre-ordained, like a commandment brought down from Mt. Sinai. Last year was Jeff Bridges’ “time.” This year is Colin Firth’s “time.”  So to better reflect this immutable fact, the telecast needs to borrow from one of Hollywood’s greatest showmen, Cecil B. DeMille:

We hear, “And the winner is…” then cut to a long shot of the audience. An ominous wisp of Technicolor green smoke appears -– the same effect from DeMille’s 1956 version of “The Ten Commandments,” when the firstborn of Egypt are slain by God’s not-so-fickle finger of fate. The smoke creeps dramatically toward the nominees. Then, the audience parts like the Red Sea, and the winner is CGI’d out of their seat and whisked into the press room, bypassing the stage altogether, because it’s the Almighty Media who trump even God’s power in this day and age.

It would also appear to be Annette Bening’s “time,” though Natalie Portman is also a shoo-in, having won all this year’s best actress awards. So, if we’re lucky, the votes will be split between Portman and Bening, and a big “upset” will occur. This telecast is sorely in need of that. We need more deep gasps and visible shock from the audience. Secretly, I’d love to see Michelle Williams reap the benefits of such a split, but her talent is so mega that her “time” will eventually come.
 
It would also be great to see Melissa Leo win, because it might ensure more leading roles for Middle Aged Actresses Who Are Not Meryl Streep. (We all love Meryl but, c’mon, aren’t we a little tired of seeing her land every part in her age range? Toss Jessica Lange a bone already.)

Alright, excellent start. But if you were in charge of academy votes, which performers and films would go home with an Oscar?

Honestly, of all the nominees, I’ve only seen “The King’s Speech,” which I liked. I’ve been meaning to watch “The Social Network,” but every time the opportunity arises, I opt for another Fred Astaire movie, or an obscure Joseph von Sternberg silent.  But let me go on record as saying David Fincher should go home with Oscar gold, because I worked with him in “Panic Room” and hope he casts me in another one of his movies. Besides, it’s his “time.”

We’d all like to see Banksy win (for “Exit Through the Gift Shop”) to see who shows up to collect the statuette. I’ve been told that Banksy is really Damien Hirst, a rather sad, disappointing and, frankly downright obscene thought. Whoever this guy is (and it could be a gal, but that would be too much to hope for), you know “Banksy” will make some kind of an art piece from his Oscar, so for that reason alone he/she/they should win.

If I Ran the Oscars: Exene Cervenka puts the red carpet on a budget

In this interview series, we ask famous free thinkers to recast the Oscars in their own image. Please direct your attention to today's presenter, speaking to us via e-mail: Los Angeles music-scene great Exene Cervenka (X, Knitters, Original Sinners).

Which performers and films are going to win the Academy Award this year?
I don’t know who will win, but why can’t they all win?

Which films and performers from the past do you feel deserved the Oscar but didn't receive one?
“Galaxy Quest” and “Idiocracy.” Also, Bill Murray for all of his movies, but especially “The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou.”

Which award categories would you add? Which need deleting?
Best animal in lead and supporting roles. I’d also add strangest performance.

What part of the telecast would you remove? And what would you replace it with?
I’d replace all of it with a cartoon about self-esteem so people would watch it.

Which part of the Oscars would you never change?
Best song.

Do you have a favorite song nominee from the past?
Elliot Smith for “Miss Misery.” He was up against Celine Dion for “My Heart Will Go On.” I read an interview where he said how gracious she was to him.

The fashion parade on the red carpet seems to have become as important a part of the ceremony as the awards themselves. What dress code rules would you mandate there?
Put everyone on an even playing field. Give them each two hundred dollars. They have to get their outfit and jewelry from either a thrift store or an independent designer who is out of work or broke.

Who would be your dream host or dream presenters? Musical performers?
Dream host: Lewis Black. Presenters: Josh Freese, Phil Alvin and Bristol Palin. Musical performers: Frank Fairfield, Skating Polly, Jimmy Webb, George Jones and Hazel Dickens.

Who would receive your honorary Oscars for lifetime achievement?
Viggo Mortensen.

Do you have a favorite (good or bad) Oscar moment from the past?
Streaking in the '70s and Michael Blake’s win for best screenplay for “Dances with Wolves.” All good.

And lastly, Exene, let’s give you an Oscar for all your hard work this year. Let’s hear your acceptance speech.

“Thank you. I accept this award on behalf of free thinkers everywhere. Sí se puede!"

Exene Cervenka will perform songs from her new album, “The Excitement of Maybe” (Bloodshot Records), on March 9 at the Redwood Bar & Grill.

-- Paul Gaita

Photo: Exene Cervenka. Credit: Maggie St. Thomas

If I ran the Oscars: Comedian Jimmy Pardo wants his Mandy Patinkin

In this interview series, we ask famous freethinkers to recast the Oscars in their own image. Our current presenter: comedian and host of the “Never Not Funny” podcast Jimmy Pardo.

Jimmy, which performers and films will the academy voters give the Oscar to this year?

It seems inevitable that "The Social Network" and "The Kings Speech" will take home 90% of the major awards.

But if you were in charge of academy votes, which performers and films would go home with an Oscar?

Ryan Gosling not being nominated for "Blue Valentine" is just crazy. I also think "Glee" should be nominated for best picture. While technically not a movie, it is also technically not funny, but that doesn't stop the Emmys from putting it in the best comedy category.

Which films and performers from the past do you feel deserved the Oscar but didn't receive one? 

Al Pacino should have won supporting actor for “Glengarry Glen Ross.” It would have been neat for both actor awards to go to the same person (he won best actor for "Scent of a Woman") that year.

Which award categories would you add? 

I'd add “best hairpiece" and watch Nic Cage, Johnny Travolta and Joe Pantoliano battle it out!

Which need deleting?

Delete all but the big six, but keep it at three-plus hours, and don't ever let the band play someone off ... just let the person talk and talk and talk.

What part of the telecast would you remove? And what would you replace it with?

People say the musical numbers should go, but I think the entire show should be done as a musical ... a rock opera, in fact. Call Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice!

I also think there should be a moratorium on the phrase "I want to thank the best cast and crew I have ever worked with." It's insincere and unbelievable.

BAFTA Awards: 'The King's Speech' is crowned with seven wins

 
It was no big surprise when the British period drama "The King's Speech" won seven Orange British Academy Film Awards on Sunday evening at the Royal Opera House in London.

The surprise came when Tom Hooper, the film's director and recent recipient of the Directors Guild of America Award, came up empty handed. It was David Fincher who won best director honors for "The Social Network."

Still, it was "The King's Speech's" night. The historical piece about George VI's attempts to rid himself of his stutter before becoming King of England, won outstanding film, outstanding British film, lead actor for Colin Firth (he won the award in this category last year for "A Simple Man"), original screenplay for David Seidler, supporting actor for Geoffrey Rush, supporting actress for Helena Bonham Carter and score for Alexandre Desplat.

"The King's Speech" is also nominated for 12 Academy Awards and is the favorite to take home Oscar's biggest prize.

Besides Fincher's win for best director, "The Social Network," the drama about the founding of Facebook, also won for Aaron Sorkin's adapted screenplay and editing.

"Toy Story 3" earned best animated film honors, and Roger Deakins took home the cinematography prize for "True Grit."

"Inception" won three awards for production design, visual effects and sound, while "Alice in Wonderland" won for costumes and makeup and hair.

Sweden's "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" won outstanding film not in the English language and writer-director Chris Norris of "Four Lions" won outstanding British debut by a writer-director or producer.

Outstanding short film went to "Until the River Runs Red," while "The Eagleman Stag" won for animated short.

Tom Hardy of "Inception" won the Rising Star honor and, as previously announced, the "Harry Potter" franchise was given the outstanding British contribution to the cinema honor. Veteran actor Christopher Lee won the British Academy of Film and Television Arts' Fellowship award, the organization's highest accolade.

— Susan King

Photo: Geoffrey Rush, left, Colin Firth and Derek Jacobi in "The King's Speech." Credit: The Weinstein Co.

If I ran the Oscars: Musician Dan Hicks picks 'Freaks' and Jerry Lewis

 
In this interview series, we ask some famous free-thinkers to recast the Oscars in their own image. Please put your hands together for our next presenter, music iconoclast Dan Hicks.

Dan, which actors and films will get Oscars from academy voters this year?

Colin Firth for best actor; Natalie Portman, best actress; Helena Bonham Carter for supporting actress, and Geoffrey Rush, supporting actor. As for movies, it’s between “The Social Network” and “The King’s Speech.”

So if you were in charge of academy votes, which performers and films would go home with an Oscar?

Most of the entire list in question #1, and Mark Ruffalo in "The Kids Are All Right."

"The King's Speech" is a high contender in my book to sweep -- much more deserving than the "Crash" win of 2004!

Which films and performers from the past do you feel deserved the Oscar but didn't receive one?

Tod Browning's "Freaks" for best film, and Jerry Lewis in "The Nutty Professor" for best actor.

Which award categories would you add? Which need deleting?

I would delete best song and focus entirely on the music and score -- one film that was overlooked in this category was Bernard Herrmann’s music for "Taxi Driver."

Also, let’s add the award for shortest film credits!

What part of the telecast would you remove? And what would you replace it with?

The part where Randy Newman wins an Oscar -- just kidding! Replace it with Peter Coyote reprising his year 2000 backstage commentary as “The Voice of Oscar.”

Which part of the Oscars would you never change?

When the orchestra signals that an acceptance speech should be wrapping up -- and Jack Nicholson sitting in the front row.

The fashion parade on the red carpet seems to have become as important a part of the ceremony as the awards themselves. What dress code rules would you mandate there?

There is no need for dress code rules -- this is America -- a person should be able to wear what he or she wants to the Oscars.

Well said. Who would be your dream host or presenters? Musical performers?

My dream host would be Chris Rock, accompanied by Richard Belzer. And would love to see more stars from bygone eras as presenters.

Who would receive your honorary Oscar for lifetime achievement?

Richard Gere.

Do you have a favorite (good or bad) Oscar moment from the past?

When Bette Davis was presenting the best actor award in 1986 and forgot to include jazz musician Dexter Gordon among the more celebrated nominees.

And lastly, let’s give you an Oscar this year for all your hard work. Let’s hear your acceptance speech.

"I've heard of non-actors receiving Oscars, but this is ridiculous! This is going to look good on my mantle next to my 1958 high school Junior Achievement plaque for best business acumen. Perhaps I should make room for more Oscars -- I think I've got the bug! Next time I won't try so hard, so some other guys will have a chance."

-- Paul Gaita

Photo: Dan Hicks. Credit: Jenee Crayne

If I Ran the Oscars: Comedian Jon Manfrellotti takes a shot

In this interview series, we ask a host of famous free thinkers to recast the Oscars in their own image. Please direct your attention to our next presenter: actor-comedian Jon Manfrellotti, who steals scenes weekly as Manfro the bookie on TNT’s “Men of a Certain Age”:

 Now that the nominations have been released, which films and performers do you think the academy voters will pick to win the Oscars this year?

For best picture, I think it’s going to be “The Social Network.” Everybody and his brother is on a computer, so now they can go online and tell each other, “I TOLD you it was going to be ‘The Social Network’!”

They’re probably going to give best actress to Natalie Portman. She made a weird face into the camera, and had a lesbian scene, so she’ll get it. On the men’s side, it’ll be Christian Bale for supporting actor, because he lost weight, and it’ll probably be Colin Firth for “The King’s Speech.” You gotta feel bad for a king who lisps.

So if you were in charge of the academy, who would go home with Oscars this year?

Me personally, I’d give it to Jeff Bridges, because I love him. I think he’s great. I know he won last year, and he’s playing the same character but this time with an eye patch. But he still pulled it off. And Hailee Steinfeld blew me away. She was phenomenal. But man, where do you go from there? Better go right into rehab and get it over with.

Which films and performers from the past do you feel deserved the Oscar but didn’t receive one?

Glenn Close should have won for “Dangerous Liaisons.” She lost to Cher in “Moonstruck.” Come on, was Sonny stuffing the ballot? And “Raging Bull” lost to “Ordinary People.” It should have been called “Ordinary Movie.” You talk about a boring movie -– instead of anesthesia, they should show “Ordinary People” before surgery.

If I ran the Oscars: Pop maestro Kristian Hoffman goes for broke

In this interview series, we ask a host of famous free thinkers to recast the Oscars in their own image. Next to the podium this week: singer-songwriter-artist Kristian Hoffman, whose past efforts include the Mumps and collaborations with Rufus Wainwright, Dave Davies, Klaus Nomi, El Vez and Ann Magnuson.

Kristian, which performers and films will the academy voters pick to win the Oscars this year?

Judging by the past, it will be like Obama's healthcare plan -– pleasing nobody, angering many, but with a very small amount of inarguable, Oscar-worthy, meaningful-adjacent sentimental wins that everyone can agree on as minor triumphs. Colin Firth, anyone? Especially because he not only overcomes his "impediment," but he also concurrently sends his entire nation into war, which the whole world apparently loves!

So if you were in charge of academy votes, who would go home with an Oscar?

I think Jeremy Renner ("The Town") should go home with ALL the Oscars, 'cause he's just as cute as a button. Loved him in "28 Weeks Later"!  But please God, save us from Christian Bale in "The Fighter" –- he's the new Jim Carrey, and that's not meant as a compliment! The scenery he chewed in that film could have saved a million starving wannabes all over the planet.

Which films and performers from the past do you feel deserved the Oscar but didn't receive one?

Gosh -– where to start? "Whistle Down the Wind" (1961)? "Performance" (1970)? For sure "The Chronicles of Riddick" (And I'm NOT joking: for pure B-movie repeat-viewing spectacle, I’ve worn out that DVD more times than "The Women.") Can you NAME another film from 2004? 

How about "Perfume"? Only the greatest movie of the last 20 years (besides "Precious," I guess)! 

Here's some (not FDA-approved) food for thought: Each of these perennial favorites of mine have "Night" in the title -– "Night of the Hunter," "Night of the Iguana," "Nights of Cabiria," "Nightmare Alley" and "Night of the Living Dead." Yet all are, with certain pathetic exceptions, criminally Oscar-free.
 
I also think Milla Jovovich deserves an honorary Oscar for being inexplicably alluring and watchable no matter how low the "Resident Evil" franchise stoops.  

And, obviously, Gabourey Sidibe was robbed! And I thought Julianne Moore should have won for "Far From Heaven."

Let’s talk about the ceremony itself. Which award categories would you add? Which need deleting?

As a musician, I would certainly add one for "Musical that LEAST embarrasses the music it claims to represent." Then there would be no "Grease," no "Walk the Line" -– the world would just be much better off.

However, "Velvet Goldmine" could be a sleeper and, of course, "Beyond the Valley of the Dolls" would have been the "Goldfinger" gilded nude corpse of Oscar glory! "The Cool Ones"! "Wild in the Streets"! The "T.A.M.I. Show" would have been the un-ironic winner.

There should also be an award for the film that most charmingly and seductively advocates the noble position of destroying organized religion. "Golden Compass" is the obvious family favorite, while "Agora" was a rather more stentorian but still fetching second.

What part of the telecast would you remove? And what would you replace it with?

I would remove all the seats in the auditorium and replace them with a full bar and free condoms.  I would also remove all the security, so riots and actual personal injury were possible. I'm tempted to remove any host who ISN'T Ricky Gervais.

Of course, I would remove the orchestra cuing the recipients to stop their "thank you" lists, because that's the only thing ANYONE cares about. However, they COULD have a picture-in-picture of the producers (and sponsors) hand-wringing and swearing (with signers for the hearing-impaired) during the "thank yous," and another camera on the celeb audience members leaving for a bathroom break. In fact, they should have a PIP in the bathroom during the acceptance speeches.

Which part of the Oscars would you never change?

The musical numbers! They make cringing a participation sport. 
 
Well said. The fashion parade on the red carpet seems to have become as important a part of the ceremony as the awards themselves. What dress code rules would you mandate there?
 
Full body scanners, and doctors with pool cues pointing out all surgical enhancements and marking them with indelible Sharpies.

Who would be your dream host or presenters?

Magician Rob Zabrecky would be a dream host because he would make anyone who bored him disappear. Ex-Sex Pistol, now DJ, Steve Jones would make a great presenter.
 
How about musical performers?

Too late for the Cramps –- they should have done "Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!" every year! Perhaps they should have Prince Poppycock interpret all the nominated songs.

Who would receive your honorary Oscars for lifetime achievement?

Roman Polanski, Eve Arden, Rita Tushingham and Orson Welles.
 
Do you have a favorite (good or bad) Oscar moment from the past?

Favorite: The intolerable "Saving Private Ryan" being shut out of the best picture award by the rather twee bit of fluff "Shakespeare in Heat" -- I mean, "Love."

And lastly, Kristian, let’s give you an Oscar this year for all your hard work. Let’s hear your acceptance speech.

"Thanks! Where's Jeremy Renner?"

-– Paul Gaita

Photo credit: Rocky Schenk

Kristian Hoffman and friends will perform songs from his new album, “Fop,” at the Steve Allen Theater on Feb. 4.