Season 8 begins: The 20 real rules of 'Idol' auditions

At long last, the tears of Idol Nation through a long, cold off-season can stop. Season 8 is here. And once again, the gang heads off on the audition tour -– searching for the face in the crowd that will walk in the footsteps of Cook, Archuleta, Underwood, Daughtry, Sparks, Barrino, Clarkson and Scarnato. 

For all of them, it began with a brief, terrifying moment before the judges. Below are the Secret 20, the real rules for any singer looking for a ticket to Hollywood from the big four.

1. Contestants may come from any of the 50 states, so long as it falls geographically between Arizona and Georgia.
2. Contestants must have logged at least 45,000 hours singing in front of the mirror, at family dinners and in church.
3. Any contestants who have received praise for their singing in public are not eligible.
4. Contestants must know with metaphysical certitude that they are destined the be the next American Idol.
5. Contestants must, however, exhibit great surprise and blush deeply when they receive praise from the judges.
6. Contestants must arrive at the audition looking approximately 75% to 82% worse than they plan to look three months hence. Extra points for stringy hair, skin conditions and slouching posture that can be corrected during the middle rounds.
7. Contestants must arrive with a very close family, preferably including one grandparent who played a critical role in their upbringing.

8. Contestants are encouraged to arrive in the midst of heartbreaking family tragedy.
9. Contestants are notified, however, that their tragedies will ultimately work against them when the novelty wears off.
10. If auditioning in the “Painfully Bad” category, contestants will register shock and disbelief at their failure to earn a ticket to Hollywood. When leaving the studio, they will be certain to curse the judges for their blindness to true talent.
11. Contestants should at all times exhibit deep religious beliefs but be careful not to name the religion that they feel deeply about.
12. Contestants with a modeling past may use their appearance to earn a ticket to Hollywood via flirting with Judge Cowell. However, such contestants will exit the season at 18th place and never be heard from again.
13. Likewise, brawny male contestants singing romantically to Judge Abdul will be granted a ticket to Hollywood, where they will be quickly eliminated from the competition.
14. There are slots for a maximum of two sibling pairs and one pair of identical twins to make it through auditions. In Hollywood, they will be asked to stomp on their sibling’s dreams and permanently destroy their family when one sibling is quickly sent home.
15. The “No Goths” regulations remain in effect.
16. If planning to win the competition, do not come intending to audition but merely to support a sibling or friend.
17. Nonetheless, be metaphysically certain that you are the next American Idol
18. In pre-interviews, it is important to emphasize that you are grounded, family-oriented and a down-to-earth wholesome young American.
19. Also, make it clear that your life will be ruined if you are not on the show.
20. Do not get to close to Ryan Seacrest. He acts like your friend now, but when your time on the show ends, his will be the last voice you hear.

Which rules have I forgotten?  Please let me know in the comments section.

--Richard Rushfield

Photo credit: Fox

Comments

[David]

Is this supposed to be humor ?

[Cold in PHX]

No, it's the truth.

[kristin]

Funny, but true.

[Sanjay]

In the foot seps of Archuleta, Cook........... SCARNATO?????
what the hell did she do?

[William]

The Goth rule was broken last night by Jason Castro's brother.

[Maya Elena]

Rule 21. Only 370 some contestants will actually be auditioned by the three judges, the other 20,000 contestants will be sent home without being heard. So make sure to look a) unusally ugly b) super pretty or c) wear a yellow sport coat and orange pants while holding a banana.