Musings on the culture of keeping up appearances

All the Rage

Category: Royal weddings

Why not ask what Kate Middleton won't be wearing?


Speculation on every aspect of the royal wedding dress reached a ridiculous level Tuesday morning on "Today," when Meredith Viera breathlessly shared the tidbit that, based on recent pre-wedding preparations (I think it was something about a protective runner being laid down on the floor of the church), "We at least know one thing Kate Middleton will be wearing ... [a dress with] a train!"

Wow, really? Surprise, surprise, didn't see that coming. But Viera's comment made me realize that despite the swirling rumors (from the most prevalent -- that Alexander McQueen's creative director Sarah Burton designed the dress -- to the seemingly inane -- that Middleton designed and made the dress herself) the news blackout has become the new black for the fashion flock.

Which means that the safest ground for speculation -- as far as I can see it -- is to begin with a list of what Kate Middleton won't be wearing when she walks down the aisle on her big day.

My short (make that skort) list includes:

-- a skort

-- a yellow track suit a la "the Bride" in "Kill Bill"

-- a Spirit Hood

-- John Galliano

-- PajamaJeans

-- a turkey-burger-print bikini

-- anything bearing the Ed Hardy tattoo wear "Love Kills Slowly" design 

-- a Norwegian OnePiece

 --a Chuck Norris "Royal Flush" T-shirt

Got one that belongs on the list? Feel free to share it in the comments section below. With any luck, we'll have the options narrowed down by the wee hours of Friday morning.

-- Adam Tschorn 


Interactive: Your guide to the royal wedding

Photos: Among the things Kate Middleton won't be wearing to her wedding are (from left), the yellow track suit Uma Thurman wore in "Kill Bill" (Credit: Andrew Cooper/Miramax Films), a skort (Credit: Adidas) or anything bearing the Ed Hardy "Love Kills Slowly" tattoo design. (Credit: Kirk McKoy / Los Angeles Times)

Royal Wedding Round-Up: Royal condoms, royal ghosts and the bouquet disappointment

William_and_Kate_condoms William and Kate toilet seat covers! William and Kate condoms! What is this wedding coming to? And now to add to the indignity, there’s rain in the forecast.

Today our trolling through the desperate reportage on this wedding includes a list of ghosts the couple might meet on their wedding day and speculation on whether or not Kate will toss her bouquet; but first, a word about those condoms -- Booth Moore mentioned them in her recent round-up of wedding gewgaws but we've since found out more.

Item 1: Crown Jewels: Condoms of distinction: Nothing says romance like a special collector’s edition of condoms with a picture of Prince William and Catherine Middleton on the box.  Although the company’s website promises “a royal union of pleasure” the small print warns that the condoms are a novelty item and -- here's the news -- not actually suitable for contraception or protection against STDs.

Item 2: Wedding ghosts? The Morton Report, a new website by celebrity biographer Andrew Morton, just launched with an all-royal-wedding line-up.  There was a disappointing story about Kate and Will’s favorite music (it turned out the writer didn’t really know), and a look at the wedding “ghost” list (get it?), which was a look at the ghosts the couple might encounter along their wedding route.  According to writer James Clark, they need to be especially wary of the ghost of an angry beheaded valet in St. James Place. Boo!

Item 3: The non-bouquet toss.  To toss or not to toss? It was probably never a question. Following the royal tradition started in 1923 by the Queen Mother, Kate will leave her bouquet at Westminster Abbey’s grave of the Unknown Warrior.

-- Deborah Netburn


Royal wedding: Party favors, comic books and the London Chamber Orchestra

Royal wedding round-up: Wedding dresses of royals past; Kate will not 'obey'

Photo: Royal novelty condoms. Courtesy of Crown Jewels


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