Baby Mat Photo

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IT’S NOT a boy. Nor is it a girl. Not yet anyway. That’s a ways down the road. But seeing as baby showers are the ‘it’ event right now, I feel like I should plan ahead.

So who wants to host this sucker?

FYI: Online site Baby-Shower.com suggests you create a 10-week timeline. Hmm. Let’s make it 12 weeks. After all, you’ll need three months to come up with a hip theme, hire a live band and concoct a signature drink -- the ‘infantini’ or a ‘gin ‘n’ colic,’ perhaps?

‘Baby showers are becoming as sophisticated as weddings,’ says celebrity party planner Mindy Weiss, who worked with Nicole Richie on her ‘The Wizard of Oz’-themed shower at the Beverly Hills Hotel, which featured stuffed Totos and ruby red slippers as centerpieces and a yellow brick road edged with candy. ‘They’re not homespun and low-key anymore.’

Neither are the registries. Last December, Jennifer Lopez tailored a wish list with local baby shop Petit Tresor that would make Santa squirm. A $3,495 enameled Silver Cross Balmoral stroller topped her registry, along with a $289 suede play mat and $349 cashmere outfits. Jessica Alba -- like Isla Fisher, Christina Aguilera and Naomi Watts -- all registered at ultra-chic Bel Bambini in West Hollywood for the $249.99 Svan high chair. Sign me up too. (I can hang my clothes on it in the meantime.)

But, hey, let’s also think outside of the jack-in-the-box. Strollers are cute, but someone has to push them. How about a Moto Guzzi motorcycle instead? Don’t laugh. Kim Porter -- mother of P. Diddy’s twins -- requested an $88,000 R-Class Mercedes-Benz for her registry back in 2006.

And don’t think I won’t know who might shaft me with a measly breast pump or a burping blanket. I’ll have someone taking names and making notes, and we’ll have plenty of time. ‘Right now, it’s a big deal to open gifts and pass them around and ooh and ah, ‘ says Weiss, who estimates that a baby shower typically runs about three hours if the mother-to-be wants to play games, open gifts and eat.

In that case, Beyoncé’s little sister Solange’s baby shower probably lasted three days because she had 300 guests. Weiss recently planned a shower at which a gift display table shaved a good hour off the event. I like that idea. We can spend those 60 minutes doing the hora and the hokeypokey.

On to invites. According to Michelle Black of L.A.-based Lehr & Black -- who created Britney Spears’ baby shower invites -- ribbons, buttons, glitter and crystals are in vogue. ‘People are steering away from those traditional blue or pink invites,’ she says. As they should. Pastels are so passé. I’m thinking python pop-up cards. People are also ponying up about $35 to $45 per invite. And by the way, Richie had hers hand delivered to guests. What if we had mine delivered by llamas?

Of course, there’s no reason to outdo ourselves on the shower. Before you know it, we’ll be ordering 14-karat gold-leafed balloons for baby’s 1st birthday party. Last month, Suri Cruise had live butterflies, Wolfgang Puck food and a four-tiered cake for her 2nd birthday party.

Is it too early to book Cirque du Soleil? For the backyard?

photos: Silver Cross; Mindy Weiss; TheCookduke.com