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 Shhh. Don't tell luxury goods behemoth LVMH that the economy is looking more and more like a waif. WWD reports that sales for the retailer jumped 12% in the first quarter of this year.
The Rage loves any woman who admits that she doesn't always wash her face and slather on La Mer before she snoozes. But when a celebrity admits to such hygiene laxity, she does a cartwheel. In this week's People, Kate Hudson says: "I like the leftover makeup in the morning. You've got to wash your face but there's always  the leftover eye makeup, I love that." Okay, maybe she washes. But she doesn't scrub enough if she has residual smoky eyes.
Sunglasses get broken. Sunglasses get scratched. Sunglasses get lost. All the more reason to spend less than $20 this summer on a pair that is, well, expendable. These Flat Top Aviator shades from Urban Outfitters come in great vivid colors (red, mint green, blue and yellow -- to name a few) and at $16, you can buy a pair for every day of the week. Photos: Louis Vuitton; Kevin Winter/Getty Images; Urban Outfitters
 Next week, Sigerson Morrison opens an outpost at the Malibu Country Mart. Expect the metallic sandals, crayon-colored skimmers and bushels of great flats. (Shoes typically run about $395 to $450.)
Who: Sigerson Morrison
When: May 7
Where: Malibu Country Mart, 23410 Civic Center Way -- Malibu.
 The call for Coachella shots yielded this hotter than Hades look from reader Hilary-Kendall Fix. The Shutter Shades -- get them here for $18 -- are a fave of Kanye West and the Rage digs her ruched bandeau top -- available from American Apparel for $11 -- and wayward suspenders.
Got a pick to submit? Do so and your style could be deconstructed too. Send to monica.corcoran@latimes.com.
Photo: courtesy of Hilary-Kendall Fix
  Once again, the Rage is drinking moonshine before 8:00 a.m. This time, it's the recap of the annual White House Correspondents Dinner, which drew luminaries like Heidi Montag, Lauren Conrad, Pam Anderson and Ashlee Simpson. In 1945, Frank Sinatra attended and performed. Oh, and never mind the fact that Montag's reptilian Svengali manager-beau demanded that he be her plus-one. Are the organizers so desperate that they would mete out tickets to appease lame reality stars? Wasn't Audrina Patridge available so they could tape a "Hills" episode with George Bush in a cameo? If nothing else, here's one fun fact: Donatella Versace, according to WWD.com, was looking for Madeleine Albright. She wants to dress her -- maybe in this short jumpsuit and swing jacket (right at Neimanmarcus.com)? "She's such a beautiful person," Versace reportedly said. "I love her."
Photos: I.Dreyvitser, WireImage.com
 The Disney spin control camp and teen superstar Miley Cyrus' handlers had anything but a quiet Sunday. Cyrus herself -- clearly, anticipating fallout from an upcoming Vanity Fair shoot in which she appears semi-topless -- has said "I'm sorry" to fans in a preemptive statement on Usmagazine.com. The picture, above, was taken by Annie Leibovitz and looks hardly scandalous. Cyrus and Disney have no right to cry foul. Anyone who has ever been on a celebrity photo shoot knows that there is an army of publicists and managers overseeing the photos taken and the overall image that will ensue. (Cyrus' people say that VF took advantage of the 15 year old.)
It's obvious that Cyrus is frantically trying to back-pedal from the recent photos of her in a bra that showed up on the Internet. See them here. The shots--think "Lolita" meets "Hannah Montana"--were hardly Rated R. She looks provocative, which is no sin for a teen. The Rage thinks that Disney et al. are doing a major disservice to this teenager's career by taking a holier-than-thou stance on Cyrus' image. She's 15 and girls that age are starting to understand their sexuality. To try and trap this adolescent in amber just to maintain her lucrative part as a role model to little girls is selfish and unrealistic.
When it comes to celebrities, a whitewashed image is just begging for graffiti. It's only a matter of time before Cyrus gets tagged.
Photo: Lori Shepler/Los Angeles Times; Annie Leibovitz for Vanity Fair
 Image writer Emili Vesilind -- who has the complexion of a unicorn and hopefully, wore tons of SPF -- hit Coachella this weekend and reports back with a fantastic style report and photos. She writes:
Man, it’s hard to look cool when the desert sun is boring into your brain with the tenacity of a Fall Out Boy single. But style-savvy concertgoers at the Coachella Music & Arts Festival, which descended this weekend on Indio, Calif., managed to look anything but withered.
Left: L.A. vintage sellers Jessica Willis, Jonathan Brown and Dechel McKillian turned heads in retro neon surf garb.
Ladies beat the heat in printed cotton mini-dresses (strapless, halter, tunic, freestyle) or short-shorts -- accessorized to the hilt with gladiator sandals, feathered barrettes, long chunky beaded necklaces, big floppy hats and Ray-Ban Wayfarer sunglasses. Fashion-loving guys opted for cropped baggy trousers with boots or high-top sneaks or T-shirts paired with skinny jeans, gussied up with fedoras or grandpa-style fishing hats.
Right: Kelsey Adams and Mandy Grassini from Em
Productions keeping their cool at the Anthem Magazine party.
But what would Coachella be without its fashion freaks? This year the rebels went native: There was a pack of roaming guys in Speedo bathing suits (see left -- cringe), a girl in a gold bikini teamed with gold hi-tops and a Scandinavian dude in nothing but a “Braveheart”-style kilt and pilot hat. Next year’s big statement? My money’s on chaps.
Got some bitchin' Coachella photos? Send them to monica.corcoran@latimes.com and maybe we'll post them here too.
Photos: Emili Vesilind
 "Lost." You have to suspend every shred of disbelief to accept the preposterous premise of this hit show. But don't expect the Rage to swallow the fact that Hugo "Hurley" Reyes, the amiable yak of a man on the island, has not lost an ounce since he became marooned. It's been three months on the island and Hurley looks as if he wanders off to all-you-can-eat buffet in a cave every afternoon. The Rage is bothered by the fact that the show's costumers and makeup artists meticulously apply sweat stains and stubble to make it all feel so real. Yet no one has thought to consider the fact that an obese guy played by Jorge Garcia -- walking everyday on an island in extreme heat and eating minimally -- would shed about 4 to 6 pounds per week.
By now, Hurley should be "Lost's Biggest Loser."
Photo: Bob D'Amico for ABC
My name is the Rage and I am a blush addict. Who can resist that just ran 4 miles or had 40
minutes of great foreplay flush?
WHAT: The new Benefit tint for cheeks and lips -- called Posie Tint--adds a subtle, pastel pink stain that will endure a tsunami.
HOW: Seriously sisters, this stuff stays on. If you used Benetint (the original cheek tint made from crushed rose petals), you know the drill: dot a drop of color to the apple of each cheek and then spread with a circular motion.
VERDICT: Hope and plenty of it in each drop.
BUY: Posie Tint only sells at Sephora for $28. The bottle will outlive you.
photo: Sephora.com
 Today, People reports that Miley Cyrus is the richest teenager in the world. By year's end, this 15-year-old will be a billionaire. But how much allowance does she get from her parents? A measly $300 per month. Apparently, it has been reported that Cyrus has no personal credit cards either. Total bummer.
According to a study by Teenage Research Unlimited, 11% of teens aged 12 to 19 have their own credit cards. A 12 year old with a Visa? Priceless. An additional 10% have access to a parent's card too. Another finding revealed that 61% of teens know how to write a check, but only 41% can balance a checkbook. Um, the Rage doesn't know how to make the numbers line up either. Fourteen percent of teens -- according to a 2006 study by the Charles Schwab Foundation -- owe more than $1,000 in debt.
Hey kids, maybe Miley can help you pay it off!
How much monthly allowance should a 15-year-old receive? Especially, if she screams: "I want it now, Daddy! Get me that golden goose!"
photo: Paramount Pictures.
 It's been leaked that one of the stars of the forthcoming "Sex and the City" movie must say "Ciao for now" and be buried in her best Manolos. Yes, alas, one of the women will die in the movie--so wear waterproof mascara. Clearly, the Rage would never gloat over the premature passing of anyone, but, hey, who do think should go? (You can rationalize this evil prognosticating with the fact that it is only a movie, right?)
Most bets are on Samantha because she has already battled cancer on the series--but a relapse would be almost too expected. Cynical Miranda seems like the one most likely to want to perish in a fiery bus collision. Then again, she has a kid and Hollywood hates to kill a mother. Charlotte--ever the Pollyanna--would go out with a Waspy whimper. Would anyone mourn?
The Rage thinks it has to be Carrie who must bid adieu to her shoe collection and gold lame hot pants for good. This movie needs to make us cry harder than "Terms of Endearment" and "Beaches" combined. Hence, the Rage predicts that Carrie will either fall down a manhole as she rushes to meet the girls for brunch or asphyxiate herself with a Fendi boa.
Care to wager on which vixen will meet her maker?
Photo: New Line Cinema
 Hey, Ma. Remember how we went to the Beverly Hills Hotel for brunch on Mother's Day last year and I gave you those chocolate truffles? Yeah, that was great. Now, get dressed quick. The early-bird special at Denny's ends in 20 minutes. Oh, and here's a Hershey's bar.
The National Retail Federation reports that consumers will spend a bit less this year -- actually, it's less than a dollar. Consumers are expected to spend $138.63 (down from $139.14 in 2007) on Mom's Day this year. Total spending will be about $15.8 billion.
How much will you spend on the woman who brought you into this cold world?
(This still from "Bambi" always gets me.)
Photo: Walt Disney Classics
 Last night, the Rage noticed that style siren Liza
Richardson (KCRW
deejay and music supervisor--see right) was sporting toeless boots. The beyond chic footwear by Sigerson Morrison, ($695) allows diehard surfers like Richardson to be both barefoot and booted simultaneously. The soft leather style features a buttoned up back and comes in a white leather version too. Richardson paired her black boots with white leggings and a black sweater. The effect? An almost eco take on the mod look of the 60s.
photo: KCRW.com.
 Has anyone else noticed that "Top Chef " contender Richard's ridiculous faux-hawk has gotten higher and mightier as the season wears on? It's like a
dollop of creme-fraiche and makes him look like the mascot for Bob's Big Boy.
Jennifer, too, sported the silly shark fin updo--hers was more spiky and reminiscent of beaten egg whites--until she got eliminated last night.
It's almost as if these two are mocking Tom Colicchio's bald pate.
The Rage suggest that Richard be required to wear a hair net in future episodes.
photos: Bravo.com.
Have a model meltdown party for the season finale of "Ugly Betty," when antagonistic amazon Naomi Campbell guest stars. Throw pizza at the TV, shred the couch with cuticle clippers and be sure to chug every time Campbell curls her lip. Here's a quote from the supermodel herself:
“I make a lot of money and I'm worth every cent." -- Naomi Campbell.
photo: Sascha Schuermann, AFP/Getty Images.
Today and tomorrow---from 10:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m.---lables like Mike & Chris (asymmetrical leather jackets,
anyone?), Daftbird (soft as a seal's bottom cotton), and YA-YA will be selling for wholesale or below downtown.
WHERE: The Cooper Building, 860 South Los Angeles St. -- Suite 1135
WHEN: April 24th and 25th.
WHO: Daftbird, Mike & Chris, YA-YA, Rich & Skinny and others.
WHY: No one pays retail in a recession.
 Gwyneth: Hi Mandy. I hate your shoes so much.
Mandy: Thanks, Gwyn. Me too.
Gwyneth: Are you actually doing errands in those monster trucks?
Mandy: Um, yeah. I'm really normal.
Gwyneth: Except for those shoes. They're almost as repulsive as my shoes.
Mandy: You can borrow them any time. Ciao.
Photo credits: Splash; Bauer-Griffith.
 The Rage can hardly wait to see "Baby Mama" and it got her thinking about her own fertility and family planning. Dealing with a surrogate sounds scary enough. And how much do these damn eggs cost anyway? Well, that depends on whether you want Einstein or Kate Moss. There was plenty of outcry when a fashion photographer was selling fashion model donor eggs for $150,000 in 1999. You would have to put that child to work at 13 as a runway model to recoup your outlay. But apparently, people still want gorgeous kids. On a current website called opt.com, there is a plea from a couple for an egg donor who resembles the IP Mom, who was a fashion and runway model. They ask for: high cheekbones, 5'8"+, angular features, and dimples. Whoa, now that's a tall order.
Then, there's the couple looking for a "high-IQ" egg donor -- preferably a 21-year-old Asian MIT student with 1500 SAT score -- who are willing to spend $35,000. See ad here.
The Rage would opt for neither. Who needs a genius baby whose first word is "alchemy" and can play the cello before he can crawl? He won't be satisfied with a Lego set at age 3. And even worse would be a little girl with high cheekbones and an innate desire to pout, fly first class and drink Moet.
How about some average ova -- perhaps smart enough to do the Wednesday N.Y. Times crossword puzzle and attractive enough to get a prom date or two?
What would you pick if you were in the market for some fresh eggs? The next Stephen Hawking or Naomi Campbell?
Photo: Universal Pictures
 The Rage is going to Cannes and will be blogging from a quaint apartment with WiFi in the old section of the city.
Today, the Cannes festival released the poster for the 61st annual film extravaganza. C'est awesome!
The poster, designed by Pierre Collier, uses a photo taken by David Lynch. If the Rage was a man, she/he would forever envy that combustible tantrum of hair atop the director's head. Like a chemical reaction exploding from a beaker, Lynch's hair always qualifies for the Science Fair prize.
Photos: Cannes poster, David Lynch/Pierre Collier; Lynch, Mel Melcon / Los Angeles Times.
 Got flat hair? God hates you. Love your little black dress? Enjoy Hell.
When the Texas polygamist story broke, America got a shocking glimpse of the sect’s eerie-looking women. With their overachieving pompadours that any Elvis-impersonator would envy and petit four-hued prairie dresses, it felt like watching a box of Easter Peeps come to life.
But now we all know that there’s nothing sweet or cuddly about their costumes. It’s a uniform to ward off Satan.
The higher the bouffant, the closer to God. And the candy-colored dresses are designed to strip these ladies of any shred of individuality and set them apart from the rest of us women.
"The color red is reserved for God and black is strictly for Satan," says Rebecca Walsh, the Salt Lake Tribune writer whose recent column on the polygamy costume drew a defensive letter from an unidentified female inside the Texas sect.
"I think dresses are romantic," she wrote of their frocks. In explaining why women wear their hair up, she added: "Hair left hanging is hot on the neck." Um, maybe it’s not the hair. Women must wear long white underwear — from neck to toe — throughout the year. And you complain about Spanx?
That rip curl coif is a whole different story. Though it’s unclear as to why, loose tendrils and bangs are forbidden. Oddly, these women are sworn from even a swath of makeup but can apply gel or hair spray to keep those holy pompadours in place, says Walsh.
Don’t all these do’s and don’ts and sartorial sanctions sound awfully similar to the tyranny of fashion? In fact, it’s probably only a matter of seasons before we see "polygamist chic" on the catwalks. It’s already in the stores. Perhaps inspired by Chloe Sevigny’s polygamist flair on HBO’s "Big Love," the Gap offers pin-tucked pioneer blouses. There are also ankle-grazing chambray skirts that will hide a Haagen-Dazs addiction and a year’s worth of leg hair. Oh, and don’t forget that Jean-Paul Gaultier showed his take on Hasidic attire back in 1993.
"The oversized frump frocks with the ’40s/’80s hair screams Comme des Garcons," says Simon Doonan, Barney’s New York creative director. "And when it’s not screaming Commes des Garcons, it’s screaming Heatherette."
The dramatic hair, too, more than whispers, "couture." Already, a headline in the U.K.’s Guardian declared: "One perk of being in a polygamous cult: Great Hair." One stylist admired the unicorn chignon and exclaimed, "They could be models at Dior."
Only if Satan is designing for the house of Dior these days.
Oh, and wondering why polygamist wives don't cut their hair? Because they can wash their husband's feet with it up in Heaven. To read more fun polygamist fashion trivia, check out this article in the Arizona Republic by Jaimee Rose.
Photo: Tony Gutierrez / Associated Press
 WWD.com shows off a zany bridal look on its front page today. The shot -- featuring a girl who looks like her Cheshire Cat just got run over by a truck -- is part of their bridal package, which also reports that Vera Wang is launching a "bridal lifestyle" website. What the heck is a bridal lifestyle? The Rage was not one of those gals who fixated on the wedding day table linens or fretted over which shade of nail polish to wear on her toes. The whole idea of adopting a bridal lifestyle is inane and seriously deranged and it's that very mentality that drives some women to spend three to six months planning an event that will take about six hours. Make that five hours, since some guests will get too hammered to recall the last hour or two. This picture, taken by John Aquino and Steve Eichner, seems to imply that all those tantrums over bridesmaid dresses and where to seat Uncle Lou the drunken perv amount to this: a bridal breakdown that would make any girl regret forever that she opted for the lavender top hat instead of the cerulean blue bowler. Sob.
Photo: John Aquino and Steve Eichner for WWD
 Britney Spears was reportedly putting on makeup when she crashed her white Mercedes last week. Was anyone else utterly unflummoxed? But she's not the only woman driving while applying. The Rage has seen ladies fumbling with mascara on the 10 East and even once spotted a woman plucking her chin hair while she made a left on Fountain. (This blogger is certainly guilty of painting her lips while driving, but reserves plucking all errant hairs for parking lots.) In 2006, a woman in England was fined $100 for putting on blush while she drove 40 miles per hour. A recent study at Hunter College revealed that one in ten drivers distract themselves while driving by putting on makeup, eating something unwieldy like a burrito or drinking a beverage, or smoking. Even more telling: Farmers Insurance conducted a survey that found that 18% of women use cosmetics while behind the wheel, while 1.3% of men apply makeup too. Say what? Apparently, 8% of men and women style their hair as they tootle along. But the Rage's favorite stat? The study revealed that 5.5% of men shave while commuting and 2.1% of women admitted to shaving too. (Check out this Giclee print by Dynamic Graphics of a woman who can do it all. $49.99 at art.com.)
Should primping while driving be illegal?
Photo: art.com
 It's only a matter of time before a designer like Marc Jacobs sends models down the runway wearing polygamist chic. No doubt, you have seen the women of the sect marching in and out of the courthouse in their pastel, prairie-inspired billowing gowns. Their hair -- in odd bouffant updos that seem to defy gravity -- is spinsterish, but also akin to elaborate couture coifs we see at the Paris shows. (This AP photo by Tony Gutierrez feels like a catwalk shot.)
In 2000, John Galliano showed a collection for House of Dior that was inspired by the "homeless" -- models wore plastic clothespins and empty whiskey bottles as accessories. Seven years earlier, Jean Paul Gaultier showed the front rows his take on Hasidic style, with men striding the catwalk in the sect's traditional attire and hairstyles. As for the polygamists, a great article in the Salt Lake Tribune by columnist Rebecca Walsh explains why the pompadour is so important -- the higher the wave, the more righteous the woman. Now, that is fascinating. The prairie-meets-Easter-parade look hearkens to the early Mormon pioneer days.
The notion that these women wear uniforms to stand out is not unlike fashionygamists' insistence on all carrying the same "it" bag to distance themselves from the have-nots. With the current trend in huge purses, it's the bigger the bag, the more stylishly righteous the woman.
Who wants to bet the Rage that some designer is shouting "Get me a thousand yards of pale pink muslin!" right now?
Photo: Tony Gutierrez/Associated Press
 The Rage has always been transfixed by ex-Elle editor Nina Garcia's tanned, perfect shins. While she sat on that chair on "Project Runway" and delivered her mostly boring and less than insightful critiques of contestant's efforts, those glistening shins squealed: "Fashion editor! Expense account wasted on salads and more salads!" Now -- as any "Project Runway" fanatic knows -- Garcia is no longer at Elle magazine and some are wondering if she will return to the show for the last season on Bravo. Executive producer Harvey Weinstein says, "yes." The Rage wonders, "Why?" Garcia has yet to mentor anyone like Tim Gunn (yes, she knows he is not a judge) or make us laugh like Michael Kors (It's farty!"). Really, what does Garcia contribute to the show? And worst of all, would it kill her and Kors to have one cat fight? The two agree on almost every outfit, which is not only odd but also very unfashionable. Having worked at InStyle for seven years, the Rage knows what happens when editors attack. It's bloody bitchery at its finest.
Note to Nina Garcia: Be bolder and more thoughtful in your reviews and verbally sideswipe Kors every now and again. Oh, and how do you make those shins shine?
Photo: Bravo.com
 After Kanye West's mom died suddenly after plastic surgery, the Rage wrote a story about how kids feel about their parents having "work done." The consensus among plastic surgeons was that parents should be honest with their kids about procedures and not hide the fact that they are getting physical overhauls. Now there's a book called "My Beautiful Mommy" written by plastic surgeon Dr. Michael Salzhauer. It's aimed at helping confused kids understand why Mommy got a new nose and higher cheekbones and a smaller butt and a bigger chest and...
Already, the book is being skewered and it looks pretty horrific from the cover. (It would have been a smart choice for a child psychologist to write this book, actually.) But really, after talking to many doctors, it would appear that there is a need for such a book. Set aside your preaching about how parents send out the wrong message when they get Botox and nose jobs. The reality is that plastic surgery figures continue to mushroom -- in the past ten years, the overall number of cosmetic procedures has jumped 457%.
Maybe the next book should be titled: "Mommy Spent My College Money on Lipo."
Photo: bigtentbooks.com
 Models have always been as thin as bacon strips. In the 1960s, Twiggy made collarbones and sharp elbows a must-have accessory. In the 1980s, a more curvy -- though extremely fit -- Cindy Crawford brought on a brief celebration of the "healthy model." With models dying from starvation recently and the fashion industry on the coals, French lawmakers have passed a bill that, in essence, will fine anyone who causes "excessive thinness" to be fined $70,000. (Now, that's a lot of croissants.) The Wall Street Journal reports that the bill is actually more directed at websites that promote anorexia than, say, modeling agents who bark at their clients, "You need to lose about 16 pounds by tomorrow!" The LAT has a more in depth look at the issue here. The Rage loves models too, but wants to know when the U.S. will take its cue and fine outlets and people who incite "excessive fatness." Currently, about 31% in America are considered to be obese. About 25 million children are obese and 85% of the country consider obesity to be an epidemic. Call the Rage a fascist, but shouldn't Pizza Hut -- there's cheese in the crust too! -- and companies that promote Paul Bunyan-sized portions be accountable too? It's ironic that the French are trying to fatten up their thin while the U.S. keeps putting on the pounds.
Should our government do like the French and take a stance against obesity?
Photo: Pizzahut.com.
 The Rage always suspected that prom queens and quarterbacks fizzle out soon after college. Early bloomers -- who enjoy adulation and popularity in the high school cafeteria -- don't develop the skills needed to function as adults. They don't realize that "great hair" and "killer biceps" don't cut it on a resume. Now, Psychology Today reports that the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor confirms this suspicion. According to the study, 29% of people who did well in high school were not financially independent as adults. And 20% had not met their goals. (To be prom queen forever?) They revisited the former students at ages 22 and 26. "What's scary is that it's unpredictable," says John Schulenberg, Ph.D., professor of developmental psychology at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor, and the study's lead researcher. "We used to think that if things were going well in high school, they'd continue to go well." (Anyone who saw "Say Anything" -- see movie poster, left -- knew that the Lloyd Doblers would inherit the earth.) The Rage, a former fat kid, is relieved that she didn't make the cheerleading squad in 6th grade and failed a few subjects.
Photo: Twentieth Century Fox/Gracie Films
 They sure do grow up fast across the pond. First, it was the pole dancing kit for kids that was removed from the shelves after parents complained. Now European supermarket behemoth Tesco has to answer for a padded bra geared to the 7- and 8-year-old demo. Um, when did 7-year-olds start needing support anyway? The bra itself is padded and designed in a low-cut shape for girls who prefer plunging necklines -- again, sadly inappropriate. (This shot from "Taxi Driver" -- with Jodie Foster playing a teen prostitute -- suddenly seems prescient.) The Telegraph reports that a Tesco official said: "It is a product designed for girls at that self-conscious age when they are just developing." Developing what? A taste for cleavage and lascivious stares from perverts?
Photo: Columbia TriStar
The Rage wrote this story because she loves nothing more than to spend a Thursday night with a bottle of Pinot and the myriad possibilities on eBay. Among her drunken purchases? A vintage Oscar de la Renta dress that was a size 14 (not a 4 -- whoops!) and a set of highball glasses from the 1960s engraved with gold tennis rackets. Hiccup.
"IT'S THE VODKA NIGHTS that really get me into trouble," says Kelly Krause, with a sigh. "I once woke up and I had spent $700."
 Not on martinis. Krause, an independent film publicist with L.A.-based firm mPRm, doesn't need a bar stool for her idea of a bender. On Mondays, she sips Pinot Grigio, watches "The Hills" and then visits SeenOn.com to buy accessories from actress Lauren Conrad's wardrobe. Friday nights involve vodka tonics and a hot date with NeimanMarcus.com.
About those Tory Burch flats? "I own several pairs, and I don't recall buying one of them sober," she says.
BUIs -- those who buy under the influence -- may be the Internet's dirty little secret. (Then again, how dirty can you feel when you wake up spooning your keyboard?) And with retail e-commerce up 19% to $136.4 billion in 2007, according to the U.S. Department of Commerce, it's not shocking to realize that some people are boozing and browsing.
Over at the online boutique Shopbop.com, traffic doesn't spike after happy hour. In fact, according to the Reston, Va., online research firm comScore, e-purchases made by women in the evening hours total only about 22.6% of all online retail sales. But Internet sellers know all about consumers who click on a Marc Jacobs dress and slur, "Hey there, frock. I want to take you home tonight."
"People definitely do it all the time," says Shopbop spokeswoman, Alle Fister. "It's click, click, click after a few cocktails."
Across the pond, Brits are much more upfront about the phenomenon. There's a book called "Shopping While Drunk: Confessions From Modern Life" and a U.K. research firm named Conchango deemed the syndrome BLOTO (Buying Loads of Tat Online) in 2005. The firm also found that 7% of people polled knew someone who shopped while intoxicated.
The appeal of the BUI is as clear as a shot of Stoli. With every glass, inhibitions and judgment soften. Much like drunk-dialing an ex, the impulse to buy becomes an urge that quickly blurs into a must. Suddenly, that $850 David Yurman amethyst and 18K gold ring doesn't seem like a silly splurge. It's a reward.
"I looked at that ring and thought, 'I work hard and I deserve it,' " says Denise Weaver, co-founder of Spin Shoppe Canvas, a PR firm.
Weaver usually hits the e-racks at 9:30 on weeknights while sipping Pinot Noir or a Petite Syrah. "I never would have treated myself to that ring if I wasn't buzzed, and I love it."
A glass of courage
OTHERS are emboldened by a few drinks to flirt with outfits and accessories they would typically avoid. "When I drink and shop, I always think I am a size smaller, and I go for much funkier clothes than my usual black dresses," says Krause. "I buy plaid or polka dots. I once bought a canary-yellow dress."
Fittingly enough, it's "Last Call" -- NeimanMarcus.com's perpetual blowout sale that offers merchandise up to 70% off -- that hooks many BUI offenders. Weaver dabbles in American Apparel online and EBay, too. She sometimes can't recall where she made her last purchase.
"These boxes show up, and I am, like, 'Oh, my God. I did it again,' " she says.
That would never happen to Alana Zinn. She doesn't e-stumble from one retailer to another and click on strange sites. Like someone who frequents a neighborhood bar, she has a favorite stool.
"I have a wish list at eluxury.com, and after a few cocktails with my friends, I go home and I search it," says the advertising director of Revolver magazine, who admits that she has been sipping and shopping for about a year. "It's still an impulse buy, but at least I chose it when I wasn't intoxicated."
Then again, what's to stop you from getting utterly soused and splurging on Lanvin shoes anyway? Any retail remorse can be easily erased with a click, as nearly every online retailer accepts returns -- no questions asked. It's that option that keeps most BUI offenders from unplugging their keyboards before they uncork a bottle.
"It's fun, and it's the only thing you can do after a few drinks and not have any regrets," says Krause. "You don't wake up in the morning and panic and think, 'What did I buy last night?' "
Photo illustration: Kirk McCoy/LAT
Are you a BUI offender? Name your poison and the resulting purchases, please.
 George Clooney wouldn't chuckle at the old saw, "Wanna buy a watch?" He might throw a punch. Why? A couple of scamsters in Milan were recently busted for trying to sell a men's fashion and accessories collection branded as "Exclusively GC" and designed by George Clooney. [Rage note: "Exclusively GC" sounds like a bar mitzvah deejay's handle.] It was initially thought that the prank was an April Fool's Day hoax. But police found watches and garments in Milan that would have gone on sale next week if the scam hadn't been stopped. Um, did these Italian chowder heads ever consider the fact that a George Clooney fashion line would get some publicity? And it might get back to the actor? Clooney told reporters in Rome: "If someone tries to sell you clothes or watches that are based on me, don't buy them."
Photo: Bob Marshak / Warner Bros.
Brad Grey, Jeffrey Katzenberg, David Geffen -- all three men are larger than life on paper, but would make for a very disappointing totem pole. In essence, they're short. According to a blissfully funny  story in the UK Times, Selfridges in London reports that heels on men's shoes are moving on up, so perhaps our more petit moguls can get a leg up on the trend. Jeffery-West's Decadent and Dandy collection -- see a style pictured left -- are apparently the best sellers. Over at Bugarri shoes, they use sophisticated technology to up a man's height by 2 to 4 inches.
But in this town, the width of a man's wallet always trumps his height, so the Rage doesn't expect to see L.A. CEOs getting a rise out of these shoes.
Photos: Jeffery West; Bugarri
 Want to own a voluminous Prada skirt fussed over by Miuccia? The design house will be auctioning off its original prototypes from the spring/summer 2008 line. (Ed. note to Kat: I can't wait to read your thoughts on this.) For three weeks on Tuesdays, beginning on April 15, the Prada website will offer bidders one week to cash out for skirts, trousers and accessories. There are only 10 items in all. All the proceeds go to an Italian foundation devoted to medical research. The Rage has always marveled at the artistry of Prada. The clothes even behave like canvases -- case in point: she owns a skirt that is not incredibly flattering, but it renders her a walking MOCA, if you will. But what to do with a size 0 skirt that made its way down a runway on a very, very skinny model? Does it become a piece of fashion porn that a collector will caress on occasion? Or do you hang it above the fireplace? The Rage would suspend it somewhere -- like an art installation -- and let it twirl in the breeze.
Photo: Prada.com
Yet another reason to drink gin before noon and shudder: Both Bill Clinton and Michelle Obama contribute 1,000 word essays to Us Weekly about their spouses. The link to the teaser is here -- the issue is on newsstands now and the stories are probably a few pages past the exclusive interview with Nicole Richie's colonic guru. Sip. Shudder. Repeat.
Internet discount retailer Bluefly has spawned a moody, hormonal teen. B*fly, a new addition geared to the Clearasil set, offers Joie, Generra, Free People and other junior-minded designers. But will those sullen, selective kids bite? (Teens these days are more label conscious than ever and will babysit every night to afford a Gucci bag or a Chanel cell phone holder.)
U.S. teens have spent $1.65 trillion over the past ten years--according to Teen Research Unlimited in Chicago. They spend about $70 per week too. That means it will take one of them a little over a month to save up for Tom Ford sunglasses, which sell on b*fly for $224.99.
How much do you let your teen spend on accessories?
photo: Universal Studios.
About that Birkin that you picked up online for $2,000?
Hermes has tidily won a lawsuit against eBay France to the tune of $50,000 for selling counterfeit Birkins and Kelly bags. This is an interesting case for many reasons because eBay doesn't sell directly. In essence, this suit puts the onus on the online auction house to regulate the authenticity of its sellers' goods. (The Rage once bought a Ferragamo purse on eBay that was touted as "guaranteed authentic" for $230 that arrived and smelled suspiciously of burnt rubber. She threatened the seller with dismemberment and was reported to eBay for e-assault. She never did get back her money.) In 2004, Tiffany & Co. purchased 200 "Tiffany" items on eBay and found 75% of them to be fake. It will be interesting to see if eBay in America tightens its policies. Counterfeit make up, hair flat irons, and other goods sell on eBay regularly.
Have you ever been duped on eBay?
photos: Hermes.com; ebay.com.
 Now through April 15, web site Blue Genes is offering 30% off all its stock--from the Jenni Kayne dresses (see left, reduced to $585 from $836) to the J Brand denim and the Erickson Beamon jewelry.
Just be sure to enter "spring30" as a promo code to get the discount.
Go to shopbluegenes.com to start spending that tax return. photos: Blue Genes.
 Bravo: it looks like you are "out." A press release from Lifetime and the Weinstein Company announced that come November, the hit show will air on Lifetime. Um, would that be after or before the made-for-TV movie about the devious bi-polar nanny who seduces dad and pushes mom down the spiral staircase? Has anyone else noticed that every Lifetime movie involves a bad, seductive nanny? It's like "Poison Ivy" meets "Mary Poppins" 24-7 at Lifetime. "Poison Poppins."
Anyway, it's a weird choice for "Project Runway" to leave its brethren -- "Top Chef," "The Real Housewives," etc. -- for the estro-network. Here's Lifetime CEO Andrea Wong's take: "Having watercooler movies, dramas, and reality shows like ‘Project Runway’ is what Lifetime Television is all about. We welcome The Weinstein Company, Heidi Klum and Tim Gunn to the Lifetime family for many walks down the runway to come.”
Will a young designer get to push Heidi off the runway to get to Tim Gunn? The Rage will surely tune in.
photo: Bravo.
 The Rage sits and contemplates a quick death by her own hand. Why? The TIME 100 -- Time magazine's most influential people of the year -- is top-heavy with cultural lightweights like Britney Spears (58,898 votes) and Madonna (15,876 votes). Perez Hilton has 49,836 votes -- maim me now! Korean pop star Rain (148,973) tops the list, while huzzah! for Stephen Colbert who comes in at 22,259.
Sadly, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama and the Dalai Lama don't make the top five. If Britney Spears is truly influencing our world, it's time for another ice age. Brrr. You can cast your vote here.
Photo: Lori Shepler for LAT
Not for nothing, but what exactly is this ad for Emporio Armani underwear trying to convey? David Beckham--in one of those rare and inexplicable moments of repose in which every abdominal muscle strains to be counted and admired--looks down at his, er, package and pouts like a lost laddie. The ad, for the line that sells at Macy's for $22 for the cotton boxer brief (pictured), makes the Rage wonder if Beckham was worth the millions he got paid to pose. Did his zipper snag him somewhere? Does he wish he was a woman? Someone, please explain.
photo: Mert Alas and Marcus Piggott for Armani.
 No doubt, Gabriel Byrne's performance on "In Treatment" has spurred patients to eye their therapists in a whole new, sultry light. And, according to Psychology Today, the healer may have too. How does a therapist find a date? Not easily, says this one:
"Local bars and hangouts are filled with clients or potential ones and the internet isn't really a good choice either because of the self-disclosure and need for a picture. What a lonely mess."
Photo: HBO
 RETAIL help has gone to the dogs.
Last Sunday afternoon at the Beverly Boulevard boutique Joseph Walker, a high-strung, scruffy terrier bounded out from behind the counter to greet shoppers. He circled and sniffed warily. Would he bite? More important, would he take a check? No human appeared to offer any assistance.
At Polkadots & Moonbeams on 3rd Street, the saleswoman stood sentry at the dressing rooms and gushed about each emerging outfit. When I slipped on a Milly cocktail dress that was a size too small, she stopped and loudly declared, "That fits just right."
Why is it that certain salespeople come on like linebackers and others can't be bothered to come back from their lunch breaks?
Last year, the Retail Customer Dissatisfaction Study -- conducted by consultancy firm Verde Group and the University of Pennsylvania's Wharton School -- found that nearly a third of consumers can't find a salesperson when they shop. And of the shoppers who do locate a clerk, 25% report that they get completely ignored. Pushy and insincere sales staff were cited as problems too.
"We have a mix on the floor. Some of our salespeople tend to be as aggressive as they can be," says boutique owner Fraser Ross, whose employees at Kitson on Robertson Boulevard work on commission. "But I don't want them to tell a shopper that an outfit looks good if it doesn't because she won't come back."
Ross also notes that his older customers, who are 40-plus, require more hand-holding. (Probably because the store sells short-shorts and halters better suited to the young and nubile.)
Customer profiling is nothing new. But it's just as easy to categorize sales associates. Meet the "flimsy flatterer," who will compliment your right collarbone to sell a necklace. She typically begins every sentence with "I love your . . . " and has been known to shout, "That thong totally matches your eyes!" from across the floor.
Even worse is "the passive-aggressive bully" who doesn't deem you worthy of a once-over. Jennifer Gerson, associate editor at Jezebel.com, visited the Prada store in SoHo dressed down, and then again dressed up, and called her outing the "Pretty Woman" experiment. Her "hobo" attire garnered nary a welcome, but the Prada-ites pounced when she reappeared wearing Vivienne Westwood.
The "put this on pusher" lurks outside your dressing room with sartorial suggestions and foists them under the door. She usually taps her foot and cajoles with come-ons like, "I can't wait to see you in that dress" or "The lighting is so much better out here."
But, for me, the "clique of coyotes" is the most terrifying, actually mimicking the animal's attack plan. One salesperson will affably approach you and take you under her paw. She will even shield you from other help, as if she were a jealous newlywed. But once you exit the dressing room in those skinny jeans, she and her associates circle like wild dingoes and nip at you with comments like "Brilliant!" and "I can't even . . . "
Gerson refuses to be bullied by coyote clerks. "I never ask a salesgirl for feedback," she says, preferring to consult a stranger instead. "I will say, 'You don't know me and you will never see me again. How does this look?' "
Come to think of it, who needs clerks? I prefer the shop dog. Give me one bark for "Looks great." Two for "Let's try the blue one."
photo: Touchstone Pictures.
 Hautelook.com - the online sample sale site - offers shoe fiends a reasonable fix. Ballet
flats, in tweed, zebra and leopard print, are on sale for $58 (regularly $165) and short chic boots by Stuart Weitzman can be had for 50% at $198.
You must sign up to buy, but registration is free.
LaRok sale on Monday; dresses by Gold Hawk -- a fave of Madonna and Jessica Alba -- hit the sale racks on Tuesday.
photos: Hautelook.
 It's bad enough that the price of eggs are up 25% and milk has hopped 20% in cost. There goes that omelet. Now, WWD reports that an amalgamation of causes (high oil prices, bigger labor costs and the weak dollar) have ratcheted up the price of knitwear by 20% for fall. That's sad news for sweater-philes like The Rage and makes her wonder if it's time to pick up "Mother of Purl: Friends, Fun and Fabulous Designs at Hollywood's Knitting Circle" by Edith Eig and Caroline Greeven. This Missoni cardigan ($1,230 at net-a-porter.com) would be a bitch to stitch, but wouldn't it be oh so worth it? And isn't it hard to snack and knit at the same time?
Photo: Net-a-porter.com
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Shhh. Don't tell luxury goods behemoth LVMH that the economy
is looking more and more like a waif. WWD reports that sales for the retailer jumped 12% in the first quarter of this year. 
the leftover eye makeup, I love that." Okay, maybe she washes. But she doesn't scrub enough if she has residual smoky eyes. 
